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How to get a response from a female on #OkCupid

*waves* Hi, I'm @JenFriel ... and I've been on OkCupid for the last 5 months. Yep, 5 months .... every day ... I've seen a lot of profiles, and read a lot of messages. Here are some of my top picks on what will get you a response from a female on OkCupid.

First off, lemme just start by establishing the female constant on OKC, and dating sites in general ... chicks rule. We don't have to go searching for guys, they come to us. You're constantly the hottest chick at the bar. It's amazeballs. So that being said, going in, you're going to have to do some leg work to pick us up. Get over it. We're worth it.

* Rule Number 1: Have a CLEAR shot of your face set as your default. *insert exhibit A*


Screw the filters, the expert lighting, just use photobooth, or set your phone on 5 second delay, place it on your desk, and smile. It is that easy. The set size for a thumbnail in an email is so small, and your number one job is to have your face take up as much of it as possible. I messaged a guy once that I wasn't even attracted to, and thanked HIM for having such a beautiful default picture. It was composed entirely of his face with a genuine smile. So beautiful.

All I want to do is see your face. I will judge your attractiveness. Be as neutral as possible while sustaining all of your already endearing genuine qualities.

That being said, remove all hats, sunglasses, spirithoods, or whatever from your default picture.

This makes me so irate, you have NOOO idea how many profiles that I see where the dudes are wearing sunglasses. Again, the thumbnail is so small, and your job is to pick me up. How can you do that if I can't see what you look like? You can still upload the pics to the album, but set your default as just one clear shot of your face. Period. End of sentence. This is as black and white as it comes. My first instinct looking at someone who has hats and sunglasses on in their default is, this person is hiding something. Is that the message you are trying to convey?

Didn't think so.

* Rule Number 2: Fill out the personality profile. I literally cannot comprehend why anyone on a dating website would not do that, but again - I've seen it multiple times, and they did not get a response. How am I supposed to know if I have anything in common with you? I have hundreds of guys messaging me everyday ... I will absolutely not even entertain the notion of even CLICKING on your profile if you haven't filled out the personality portion, let alone actually messaging you back. HAHA! No fucking way. Get over yourself. I suffered through it, you can too.

* Rule Number 3: Do not cut and paste the same email to all the girls on OKC that you think are hot. I get so many generic emails on OKC, it blows my mind. Here's one ...

I'm a LIFECASTER that quotes the Matrix and The Big Lebowski because I dig brevity, and I explain that I travel the country in celebration of Unapologetic Awesomeness ... the only adjective that came to mind was "interesting?" REALLY?!?! ... REALLY?!?!?! Furthermore, I state VERY CLEARLY in my profile that I am NOT looking for a relationship. You're saying that you're not the kinda guy that wants a one night stand when I'm flat out telling you its not off the table. This just makes no sense!!!

Here's one that got a response:

Total awesome sauce. Flattered without being fanboy, he clearly read my profile before emailing, and ended with a cutesie "ciao bella." Me gusta. Simple. Simple. Simple. I will email this guy back.

Put time into an email. Read the chick's profile before, glance through her pictures ... find something that you can relate to and bring it up.

I have a picture of me skydiving on my OKC profile. Here's a good example email a guy could send in response to seeing that ...

Hey Jen, I saw that you went skydiving! That's awesome! I'd love to go, did you do it around here?

It's literally that easy. One line, two lines, no more than a paragraph.

* Rule Number 4: Have a variety of pictures in your album.

OKC is great, you can have an entire album to lure a potential mate with. My pictures up there are some of the best moments of my life ... spinning the wheel on the price is right, flying cross country with Billy G of ZZ top, skydiving, and the moment I heard from the creator of FourSquare. I'm weird, but shit like that just happens to me. It's my constant ... what is yours?

Do you run around and play with monkeys all day? Are you an athlete? Yoga guru? Show me all the different sides of you!!!

I LOOVEEE it when I flip through a profile and see a skydiving pic, because I know if you were crazy enough to skydive, you could definitely be crazy enough to at least be my friend. I want to see you in your default picture, in the album I want a glimpse into your world. Don't judge it, just let it be! Do you work at Coffee Bean? Awesome! Show me how hot you can look in that apron, or how much fun you had that one time you and your friend juggled bags of beans in the back. I don't know! It's your life! Tell your own story!!!

A couple heads up though for dudes, limit the drinking pictures. A beer in your hand is fine in one pic ... a beer in your hand in all of them and the default is you doing a keg stand ... that's prolly not gonna happen.

Also, limit the amount of girls in your pictures. You might think it's cool to throw up a picture of your BFF Jackie, but some girls can be intimidated by it and not message you back. It's a handicap. It's guys that care about the hot chicks you are with ... we ARE the hot chick, we honestly don't care.

Alrite, so what did we learn to sum it up?

1. Have a clear default picture set. No sunglasses, hats, spirithoods, or filters. Just you.

2. Fill out the personality profile as much as possible. The metrics increase your chance of finding a good match, dude, come on! Just do it!

3. Can the generic emails, keep it real, and keep it simple.

4. Your album should tell the story of your life in pictures. Own it.

If you guys ever have questions too, or want me to look at your profile just hit me up! I'd gladly help!

Twitter: @JenFriel


Find me in a coffee shop via FourSquare:

or drop me a love note on OKC:



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Reader Comments (4)

I had to laugh when I read this. This should actually be your entire OKCupid profile ... It's you in a nutshell! Brutally honest, to the point, light-hearted and you always get the sense that something deeper is on your mind, in this instance, it's calling people out for ... not being brutally honest ... love it :)

December 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIan

hahaha thanks so much for reading ian!! love you!!!! xo

December 12, 2010 | Registered CommenterTalk Nerdy To Me Lover

I want to reply to one of the tweets above, for the sake of conversation. Men don't know what to write in the initial message for the same reason they don't know what to say to a woman on the street, at Starbucks, or in the grocery store. A woman might not understand that reason, because as you say, she doesn't send initial messages. She only responds. The suggestions above are outstanding. Thanks for sharing, all.

Women should read Jen's article, too! So many with poor default pictures (or none) and generic, cookie cutter stuff in the profile. Nobody believes of themselves that they are a liar, a cheat, or into head games.

The personality profiles are a fantastic value add that gives on line dating a leg up over bars, in my opinion.

December 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBob

im really excited to have signed up on this site, i hope its helps me a lot because i used other dating sites like christian mingle and those sites suck because i get blocked by girls there, so i found okcupid and i really enjoy using it:)

July 15, 2013 | Unregistered Commentercarlos miravete

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