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Saturday
Nov192011

#OpenLetter: Dear men, pictures of your penis do not turn me on (nsfw)

I wish this post wasn't necessary, but after receiving YET ANOTHER unsolicited penis picture, I have to make a public plea ...

DEAR MEN,

actual photo. wait, is that back hair? ewweeeeeePlease stop sending me pictures of your penis. It does not does not DOES NOT turn me on. In fact, women are not stimulated sexually by visual means. This is why growing up I used to READ porn versus actually looking at it - we are mental freakazoids. To get into a chick's pants, all you really have to do is penetrate her noggin before her lady bits. Hence why the root of the female orgasm lies in emotional connectivity ... etc. etc. All this being said ... STOP SENDING ME PICTURES OF YOUR FUCKING PENIS!!!

I don't care to see it.

I don't care to look at it.

I am SO grossed out at this ENTIRE situation that I fired off a NASTY email on OKC to the dude that sent it to me, and should this EVER happen again, I will have ZZEERRROOOOOOO problem publishing said pics to this entire audience which should especially be humiliating since 99% of you keep your fucking faces in them as well.

I'm disgusted, and not even in a fun kinky way of hey! now let's bone! I'm COMPLETELY turned off and disgusted disgusted disgusted.

Excuse please, while I grab a pair of tweezers. Someone's going to need them!

 

THIS IS FAIR WARNING, NEXT PICTURES GET PUBLISHED YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!

Actually, come to think of it - I might not even publish it since perversely speaking that might turn them on. I think what I'd do is put the pictures on an iPad, take them to a nursing home and show them to some horny 80 year old women and livestream their reactions. Could be pretty rad, actually - hahaha!

Fine, so maybe I won't publish directly - but I will also submit to www.isanyoneup.com to guarantee the image stays on the interwebz for some time to come. Will totes be awesome explaining to your kids one day how daddy's pee pee got online.

Oh fuck me that's funny. Oh my b, you're not going to get to fuck me cause you're ...

#buhbye

 

References (18)

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Reader Comments (5)

STOP SENDING ME PICTURES OF YOUR FUCKING PENIS!!!

Better than a peeing penis, though, isn't it? Maybe a little? Speaking of little ... ha!

November 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJMBell

"In fact, women are not stimulated sexually by visual means."

Umm, so who keeps buying the naughty firemen calenders? Who is keeping the male stripper industry afloat? The articles in Playgirl can't be that good.

Not that I think it is okay for these degenerates to send you pictures of their wedding tackle, nor can I picture any woman responding in a positive manner to unsolicited penii in their inbox (I keep sending them anyway, I have poor pattern recognition) but this "fact" you keep quoting seems a little fictitious.

December 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRancidMonke

Fictitious? You mean dicktitious!

@moids

January 21, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMoids

Special thanks to @moids for classing up the comment section.

January 31, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRancidMonke

I sometimes upload unsolicited penis pictures to guyswithiphones.com. I may not appreciate the 'gift', but the audience there does.

March 7, 2012 | Unregistered Commenters

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