(I feel like this one was a given, but mom and dad if you're reading - please stop. thanks! love you!)
Among my many groups of friends, I am always the sex-pert. Everyone asks me everything about sex, and all the finny ninny goings ons. I don't consider myself a seasoned expert, but I am absurdly curious, and have most likely googled a lot of obscure shit, AND I'm freakishly candid so I have no problem telling peeps what I found. That being said, one of the things that I just have to shed light upon is the female orgasm. From my guy friends, to my girlfriends there are DEFINITELY some serious misconceptions.
I can have an orgasm through intercourse, which only about 30% of women can. Not being special, just being awesome - I can pinpoint the fact that it came from emotional maturity and a general comfort within myself through and through.
I lost my virginity at 16 (I was about to move to NYC and for some god awful reason thought that people would be able to "smell" that I was a virgin, and I would end up doing something stupid. So I totally just boned my prom date, and then didn't have sex again until I was almost 19 because he was just so damn big, I was like ummmmmm no. PAINFUL!), but I didn't experience my first orgasm from sex until I was 24.
I've masturbated since my early teens, so I always knew that at least for me, I could have an orgasm. Yay! Crazy to think that people can't even experience that ... but hey, man - it happens.
I remember the day incredibly well ... I was dating the mentalist at the time, and I was just head over heels, yay life this is it for me kinda kooky crazy. I felt unbelievably comfortable with him, because he was in fact a mind reader; I felt like I couldn't hide anything from. The freedom was liberating.
We were on the couch, and I'm assuming because I was able to control the rhythm by being on top I was in fact able to reach orgasm. It was insane ... it was intense. I knew I was getting close, my arms started to tense, and I felt this incredible rush, but it's SUCH an emotional thing for a chick to have an orgasm in front of someone, I cannot stress that ENOUGH! It was in that moment, for the first time, I felt like I really could just let go with this person and have this experience in front of him.
When you masturbate as a female, you never really know "what is right?" It's very different with women since we are physically all so different down there. And when we're having sex, we're always in our heads of how our body looks in whatever crazy sexual position you are in, what we sound like ... its super lame. Right there in that moment, I did not care and I did not think - I just felt ... BAM! It was also the perfect storm for me hormonally as well. My brain was secreting endorphins from being in love, and I was nearing my period so my body was CHARGED.
I remember right after, I felt so excited literally - haha, but also so vulnerable. This was something I had done alone in my room with the doors locked. Now someone saw that? There was definitely a moment of shame, but that was immediately taken over by this surge of power. This moment of holy shit! I can totally have an orgasm from sex! Let's do it again!!!
Studies have shown in both sexes, activity in the amygdala, which processes fear and anxiety, was reduced during an orgasm. I felt SOOOOOOO comfortable with this person, that my brain was literally for the first time, able to allow this experience to occur. Nuts.
What I wasn't prepared for, was the next stage ... the release of oxytocin. See, when a woman reaches orgasm (ESPECIALLY the first time in front of another person), a bond is created because of a chemical that is released in her brain called oxytocin.
Per psych central: In humans, oxytocin is thought to be released during hugging, touching, and orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and may be involved in the formation of trust between people and generosity.
I was screwed. Literally. HA! I was not only COMPLETELY blind by all the going ons with him and other women, my body could only respond to him sexually. When I masturbated, I thought about him (which is weird, because normally for me, there is a distinct separation between what you watch when you masturbate and the person you are in the relationship with. Fuck though, if they wanna watch some porn too, even better! But it appeases a very different desire, and I am of the strictest belief that watching porn is completely natural, and not cheating. Like at all. Even just typing that felt completely absurd.), and clearly I wasn't having sex with anyone else. I had given him this power that he was the one person that was able to make me have an orgasm. Intense.
Then when we broke up, I went through 70,000 stages of denial, and wondering wtf is going on. Again, being cheated on, or as he puts it, in a one sided open relationship is weird. Because of the chemistry that was pumping through my body I was COMPLETELY blindsided. Dude, the Easter Bunny could have been sitting behind me boning the tooth fairy, and I would have believed that more. The result was a severe severe severe sexual depression. I lost my orgasm - no joke. I quickly had rebound sex, (sans orgasm) but then was left in this weird haze of void. I couldn't masturbate because it just felt so different, and I sincerely wondered if I ever could even have an orgasm again. Worst. Time. Ever.
Flash forward about 7 months, over the summer I dated this guy for a bit and he was incredibly well endowed. Like, I'm not even kidding you, he should prolly have his own line of dildos. We had been spending a lot of time together, and I was totally falling for this dude ... but you add something like that into the equation? And GOOD LORD you have a recipe for awesome. We were in Vegas, and I remember so clear the first time that it was yep, this is happening. I honestly felt so grateful to this guy because of the fact that I was able to reach orgasm with someone else. I took my own power back!!! Orgasms from intercourse returned!!! BIG DEAL! BIG BIG DEAL!! Had less to do with him, and more to do with the way that our bodies were very compatible. Very compatible. It was great, but bless the dudes heart - he did a few things that weren't kosher in my book from a personal boundary standpoint, so alas! I ended it. Sucked, but at that point, I was just glad that I could have that experience with more than ONE PERSON in this world. That is way too much power to give to someone. But hey, you live, you learn.
Moving on a bit more ... I recently dated this guy that again, head over heels, what magical tree did you come from, and are there more of you - type thing ... and bam! Orgasm. This time though, it was different.
I've never been a fan of oral. Love giving, receiving was always pretty meh in my book. It tickled and got me really excited, but I never ever ever thought I would be able to orgasm from it - I needed more pressure. One night we didn't have a condom, so sex was a no go. I, however, was like literally feeling delirious from being so turned on; he started going down on me. I kid you not, I reached an orgasm in less than 5 minutes. He's very in tune. He didn't go down there thinking he knew what to do, he sort of explored and watched my reactions to various stimulants. Dude, so fucking hot. HAHA! I carry that visual with me every.single.day. RAWR!
So, what's the take away from all of this?
You need to have a conversation with your partner about things that turn you on. You HAVE to be in tune to each other's bodies and movements. You may think you know what works for someone, and come to find out - it doesn't. That doesn't make you a bad lover, it just means you two are going to have to vibe each other out, and even talk about what does work.
There's no shame in it - never apologize for pleasure. Articulate it!
You have to do you own homework as a female and figure out what turns you on, what revs those engines so you can then find a partner that you want to share that with. DO NOT EVER FAKE AN ORGASM!! You are denying yourself and your partner this chance to experience something great if you do.
You have to feel incredibly comfortable with your partner, as again, fear and anxiety are reduced during orgasm; but bottom line, you gotta OWN IT! Own your sexuality ... explore it, it's trial and error FOR SURE! The more repressed you are of your sexual desires the more you are denying yourself a fulfilled life. I know people have their own religious and blah blah blah whatever hang ups, I'm not talking to you people ... for everyone else, OWN IT!!!! Life is too short man, and the female orgasm is a very very very good thing to experience. Changed sex for me, COMPLETELY!!!! And people are oddly way more attracted to you because you have this allure and this unshakeable confidence.
So rad. Yay life!