Gather round kiddies ...
I have a pretty awesome story to tell you all.
I was saving it for something. Not quite sure what, not quite sure how ... but this was one of the most epic adventures I have ever had. I sincerely think I waited so long to tell it though just to not get the dude in trouble. None of this was legal.
And here's the song ...
Last year at CES (2010 ... just in case you thought last year was still this year. See what I did there? That's called clarification. jiggaaaaaaaa!), I was a total crasher. I had no place to stay whatsoever. Like seriously - didn't have more than $10 to my name, got my pass for free, got a ride from a friend. Knew I needed to be there, just didn't really think long and hard enough on the rest to have all of it make sense. Hotel room? PPFFTT!!! It's Vegas! Everything is always open, I'm sure I can figure something out.
Surprise, surprise, I ended up figuring something out. The duderinos I drove out with offered me some floor space, and all seemed pretty groovy. That was until one night I had a meeting with some Microsoft mucks that ran super late - like crazy super late. We didn't have dinner until 9 or 10, then they had passes to this event that they wanted to introduce me to some people ... it was totally one of those. I knew if I went to this event with the group after I'd potentially lose out on being able to crash on my friends floor because they were all going to be asleep. I made a choice in that minute to just go for it, and figure the rest out whenever I could. What was the worst that was going to happen right?
The event was totally awesome, had a blast - met some REALLY cool peeps, then everyone called it a night. I was stone cold sober as you will only catch me nursing a single drink at a work event. See this way people think you're loosened up as they see a drink in your hand, but little do they know you've only taken 4 or 5 sips of it throughout the evening. I didn't even have money for a cab ride back to where my friends were - so when the night ended I just started walking. At this point, there weren't a lot of people on the street and the entire vibe just seemed so dodgey. I will admit this was definitely not my smartest moment in life, but I just sort of grinned and beared it by walking through as many casinos as possible to avoid the back alleys. Dude, Vegas scares the bejesus out of me. The BEJEEEESSUUSSSSSSS!!!
I decided to crash in this one casino for a moment, out of just sheer exhaustion. I had been walking at that point for almost an hour, mind you STILL WITH my big backpack and all of my stuff from CES. Again, no hotel room - no place to put your things. At dinner, and at the event I had the bellhop, after I was shit out of luck. I was this walking target of please, rob me! It's CES ... I prolly have a lot of nerd gear that's worth a lot of dough and heyyyyy we're in a recession.
Looking back, I cannot believe I was so dumb. I'm literally embarrassed typing this, my parents are going to kill me. Was walking out the front door of the casino down the driveway when the bellhop comes up and says ma'am lemme get you a cab! I said, no thanks, I'm just going to walk. The cab driver slams it in reverse, and rolls down his window ... he goes, this is Vegas, you can't walk. I'll take you anywhere, free of charge, just please get in. Free? MUSIC TO MAHHH EAAARRRSSSS!!!!
Got in the back of the cab, and he goes where can I take you? I said, well, I dunno. It was now 4am, and one of the dudes in the room had a flight at 6am, so I knew I could at least gain access to the room then. I said, anywhere you'd suggest going to kill two hours?
He fully turned his body around, I swear I will never forget the look on his face, and says - wanna go for a ride?
Clearly understanding the sexual innuendo he was trying to convey, I smiled knowing all well he was inviting me for a ride along in his cab, not his cock. He leaned over and opened the passanger door up front, I grabbed my bag and crawled in. He said he had to first go and drop something off at his girlfriends house, and then we'd start going along on rides. He rounded the corner, put the car in park - and got out. I IMMEDIATELY grabbed my Droid, snapped this pic and sent it in a picture text to my friend with the following message:
"If I die, this is the man that killed me. If I live, I will have the greatest story ever."
He got back in the cab, and never noticed I took the picture. He told me that I had to come up with a story as to why I was there. I suggested I could be a reporter, or some sort of journalist documenting the Vegas night life ... he immediately shot that down. He goes, in this town, no one likes a reporter. I said, well - how about I can be running a diagnostic test on your meter to check for any irregularities? PERFECT, he said.
He told me that very few people ever get to experience what I was about to experience. Apparently, it is super illegal in Vegas to have a ride along, and in fact they have stations to check for ride alongs outside some of the more popular stops.
At first we just drove around, he showed me literally all of Vegas. I asked him if he ever feared the clientele that steps in, as I'm sure he had to go to some pretty sketchy areas. He turned and said, you know the people I fear the most? I said, who? He replied, you all. You, the people I pick up at the massage parlors at 4am and drop off at the convention center at 6am. Murderers, rapists, crack heads - you know where they stand. You people though, you're the worst - your insanity is repressed, THAT is dangerous. Tangent: He actually didn't use the word "repressed," I don't remember the exact word he used, but this man's English was so crikey, for the sake of storytelling and to not drive you all insane, I am going to use more than two syllable words.
He made perfect sense. I half smiled, half laughed, half well, wait - that's too many halfs. You get the picture. I asked him how he got into this business, and if he likes it. He said it was one of the most lucrative positions he could have with his kind of record. I said oh yeah? What were you in for? (see what I tried to do there ... speak his LINGGOOOO.) Assault. For how long, I asked. Too long, he replied. If memory serves me correct that dude was in there for a decade. He was no spring chicken that's for sure, and he had told me he had been in and out of jail his entire life. He said he had a bit of a temper, and was trying to work on controlling it but felt helpless. I replied with, I understand - while secretly I was thinking ... please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me.
He goes, you ready for some riders? I said ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!
We pull up to the Spearment Rhino, and wait. Ever notice how hard it can be to get a cab in Vegas? Yeah, well if you're a single chick - they don't want you! You're more likely to get picked up if you're a couple, but if you're a single dude ... you are PRIME RIB!!! Here's why ... the cabbies work a hustle. Mind you too, this is 4am - and I can't speak for every cab driver, just what I know I saw with my own eyes. They pick up the single dudes from the Spearmint Rhino, or other strip club, but that one was the most popular, (good LORD there were a LOT of cabbies outside that thing!!!) and then take them to a massage parlor off the strip where the hustle begins. This Vegas taxi cab driver was a pimp. No other word for it! He would pick up the single dudes from the strip club who were clearly horny, take them way out of the way of their destination via this back road, stop the meter, and give them a show. The second the cab stopped, and the meter stopped guys would sober up a bit and say, this isn't my stop ... as a pair of boobs were placed outside their window. Literally, the girls were in fur like coats and were COMPLETELY naked when they approached the car. They did a little dance for about :30 seconds or so, while the cabbie tried to coerce the rider to go inside and have a little fun. After the :30 seconds were up, two more girls would be standing in the doorway, just incase the rider wasn't into one girl in particular, it was implied that there were plenty more inside.
All throughout the night, time after time, not a single rider went inside the massage parlor. At one point, 3 dudes thought about it for a second - but literally every.single.time. they would turn to him and say, how much for her? Mind you, I'm fully clothed in like corporate dinner businessie attire, you have chicks with their tits and ass LITERALLY in plain view, and you want the nerdy girl up front?
YEP!!! Every fucking time guys will go for the girl next door. Amazing.
So you thought that was the end of the hustle? Absofuckinglutely not! At that point, the cabbie would offer for the girls to be delivered to their hotel room instead. Watching this guy pimp these chicks out was UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. He related to them in such an endearing way ... I remember this one kid, who barely looked 21, he goes - I understand man. This is prolly your first time with a real woman like this. Why not have her come up to your room where you're more comfortable. She'll take good care of you. At that point, the rider agreed, he got dropped off at his destination - and then this card was exchanged. It is some MASSIVE loop hole in hooking in Vegas that if cash is never actually transferred, you're good. Checks and clearly credit cards aren't accepted either. HAHAHAHA!! Which slot would you slide it in? *ZING*
I didn't understand what I was seeing with this card transaction, but I'll tell you what I found out about it later on.
The rider left the car, and the cabbie immediately popped back on his cell phone and called the girls. He said he wanted to send two over as an upsell, as this dude got dropped off at the Wynn. Translation: He had dough. Besides, come on, he's a total sexual n00b. It's Vegas and two hot chicks just showed up at your door that are the surest of sure things. Are you really going to turn that down? Fucking genius!
I asked how much he made off of that sale, and he smiled and said "too much."
The night went on, we picked up a few more riders - then his cell phone rang in a different ring tone, and it sounded important. He picks up the phone, knowing it was one of the girls - and apparently they had gone to the room, gotten him off and now he was refusing to pay. Both girls ended up staying, but only one did the uh, deed. It was incredible too hearing how the cabbie talked about the entire scenario. Did he cum? Did he get off? Are you sure? Did you see him cum? Then get the money!!! He HAS to pay!!!
Remember, this man spent time in prison for assault and has a temper; not someone I'd advise you want to fuck with.
The girl put the cabbie on the phone, the anger subsided and he remained cool and calm. Hey dude, everything okay? Heard you had quite the wild party over there! He informed him that he had two girls in the room, and he had to pay for them both. They went back and forth for a few minutes, and the cabbie got so angry, but realized if he could just get the girls out of there with at least one of the payouts, he could get back to work and not have to deal with this mess. The guy said he would pay, the girls got the cash - and back to work everyone went.
The cabbie was amazing too, he knew he could get return customers, so he always gave them his info and said here, put it in your cell. Didn't even give them a business card or anything with his number. Captured it immediately in their phone. He goes call me "Lucky Vegas." Fucking classy.
The sun started to come up, and my time spent with the cabbie was nearing an end. He said he had a few ideas for an app that he was interested in talking to me about, and I said I would follow up with him when I got back home. Of course, I never did - but I thanked him profusely for the experience. Talk about learning the hustle from a straight HUSTLER!!!!! That man was a genius. Fucking genius when it came to his overall rapport with the riders. Absolutely insane!!!
And oh yeah? The card thing. Later that day, after I got a couple hours of shut eye, I flagged down a taxi cab driver and asked him if he had ever heard of these cards that they give drivers. He said he wasn't sure what I was talking about. I told him that I just did a ride along and that the guy hustled these dudes and sent chicks up to rooms with this card? He goes OOOHHH!!! You lucky girl!!!! You got to see that?
He then told me that apparently those cards are an indicator to the hotel to get the girls access to the room. The riders gave the cabbie the room number, but apparently this card gets them access into the hotels. I don't know if it was a universal one or not - but apparently too it prevents the cabbie from being charged as a pimp. The girls KNOW to pay his ass, but because no legal tender hit his hands it was some weird loop hole. That part of it, I don't know - but if you're ever in Vegas, flag down a taxi cab driver and ask him or her. I'm sure they can explain it WAY better than I can.
Hands down one of the greatest experiences in my life. Best people watching EVVEERRR!! Oh, and one last thing. Watch the chicks at the Spearmint Rhino that have collars or chokers on. They might be hiding a little more than you're looking for in their bikini bottoms. HAHAHAHAHA!! Totally not kidding, saw with my own eyes! Crazy!