Yep. (If you're new *waves* hi welcome. My name's @JenFriel - and I have gone out on 103 dates from the nerdy website OKCupid in 9 months in an attempt to find and document the organic root of attraction. Read this - it explains. Oh and Mom and Dad - feel like this one's a no brainer - but don't read. K ... thx ... bye)
Alrite, you ready for the song??? Heerrrreeeee we go ... won't be shocking ...
So, first - let's take this back a bit. I love people, no like straight up - I went out on ONE HUNDRED AND THREE DATES in NINE months and never got sick of it. I have an UNBELIEVABLE passion for what I do, and for understanding people. Sexuality is clearly a huge part of that as that is where we share our rawest and most carnal desires.
I knew when I was 6, and felt a little tingle from Jordan Knight from NKTOB that I wasn't a lesbian. No like literally - I am a total horn dog. HAHAH!! I love me some dudes, I can't deny that ... but in the same breath, I can't deny how unbelievably beautiful women are. I like watching girl on girl porn, and even had my first threesome when I was 19. (Tangent: Gnarly scenario, BTW - I was "guest starring" with this couple, and he wound up leaving his chickadee after we boned and totes tried pursuing a relationship with me. So fucking weird. I was like NOOOO!!! Never talked to the chick again - and last I heard they were kaputzville. Sad face.)
Compound my organic curiosity with the fact that I am actually exposed to the most beautiful women in the world living in Los Angeles and attending the parties that I do; it's hormonal overload.
I knew I wasn't a lesbian, but I couldn't rule out the fact that maybe I was bi. I enjoyed myself in the threesome, and have had more since - so is that what being bi means? How does someone know when the lines of sexuality are all so blurred?
I had no idea, was feeling very confused. I remember only telling one person that I thought I might be bi - a friend of mine from NY. He was like, right on! Or something around that ... haha ... but I remember reading the text in the Facebook chat as I wrote that sentence: I think I might be bi - and being spooked. That was such a label. Am I going to be the poster child now for nerdy bi females? Am I going to have to officially "come out?" What am I "coming out" of? I don't even know if I am or not!!! It was incredibly overwhelming.
Furthermore, the fact that I was documenting my experiment I was scared I was going to be called out for searching for females before I was even comfortable telling people about it.
See, on OKC you can view who has viewed your profile - if I started reading female's profiles they would see, click my profile which had my disclaimer, and boom - called out. Scared. Scared. Scared. I was doing something so public, but I couldn't deny my curiosity.
One day, I just said fuck it to everyone and everything. This is me, I can't preach owning it while living in fear of being called out. Total bullshit and would make me a COMPLETE hypocrite.
Fuck it. Fuck it. And fuck you. I have nothing to lose - let's go.
I got on OKC, and changed my match search from boys looking for girls to girls looking for girls.
Then, the search began.
It started off the same as my search for guys did, I filtered based on match compatibility. I wondered if their algorithm would be the same for same sex - what about if one of the parties is just merely curious? Does that change things? So crazy.
I was shocked when I was searching that I was actually 90% with a lot of females. I think more like a dude, so it wasn't shocking to me at all that I was 75% with the majority of men on the site - but I didn't expect an even HIGHER number from females. CRAAAZZZYYYY!!!
I then started emailing some of the girls with the higher match percentages.
HAHA talk about the shoe being on the other foot - I was on the receiving end of all of my OKC emails. I very very very rarely emailed a boy, they all came to me. How the fuck do I pick up a chick? OMG I am so ill equipped for this ... okay, focus, you can do this.
I might not have known how to "pick up a chick" but I knew by being one what made me respond to something:
1. It couldn't be generic - they had to specifically pull something from my profile.
2. It had to include some sort of open ended question.
I started emailing.
I had no idea what I was looking for in men, so what the hell do I look for in a woman? I had a few messages sent back and forth - but then I got scared. I felt like I was cheapening them and doing this weird disservice. If I were gay and someone came up to me asking to experiment, would I be offended? I kinda feel like I would - but then again if you don't ever try, how will you know? UGHHHH!!! STOP THINKING BIG BRAIN!!!!!! Just do it.
I sent out one last email sort of laying everything on the line.
"Hi, my names Jen. I'm conducting this social experiment, but I found that in my experiment I may be attracted to females as well. I'm a nerd, so I can't not explore this part of my personality, but I'm not really sure if anything is there. I just wanted to say that I think you're super hot and would love to talk about hanging out if that's not weird because in my profile it says I'm straight, but I'm really just not sure anymore."
Response: BWAHAHAH!! You are nuts. Sure, here's my Facebook profile. Hit me up there.
She called me nuts! OMGGG!!! SHE GETS ME!!! I AM NUTS!!!!!
I immediately Facebooked her, and we started chatting. This chick was so fucking cool, man. Also in the smallest world ever category, low and behold, one of my very very very good friends she was also best friends with but a year after me (if that makes sense) - hahaha she totally flipped. She's like you know her? I was like OMMGGG she and I have the same tattoo. Yeah, LA is a crazy small world. So, we bonded super fast - and she made me feel so comfortable with everything.
We then agreed to meet.
It wasn't a date date per say - she was going out with a bunch of chicks and invited me to come along. No dinner, nothing - just girl time. So radddd!! My kinda girl already ... just keep it real.
We got to chatting, and I totally fell for this girl. It wasn't the same thing with a dude where you get the feeling of butterflies, and the same omg omg omg I'm totally picturing boning you right now - it was this sense of peace. I knew I could explore things with her; she has a very calming presence. Plus too, this woman is just beaauuttiifullll ... like crazy. crazy. beautiful. I felt INCREDIBLY comfortable with her right off the bat.
She bought me some drinks, and we got to talking about the world. She ordered a beer, and I was like dude, you're totally after my heart right now. HAHA! Love chicks that drink beer!!!
Then, a little bit later I called it a night. I had to go somewhere the next morning pretty early - so I had to be super lame and leave before last call.
I went back to the apartment I was staying in, and felt pretty kosher. Wasn't really sure what I had just done - but knew I wanted more.
We kept talking back and forth the next week on Facebook chat and agreed to go out again the following Saturday; she wanted to go clubbing. Now, normally, I am so not a clubber. I used to be in my early 20s and was totally "that chick" tearing up the dance floor - now I'm a lot mellower and just enjoy a good dive and a good brew ... but I really liked this chick, and if she wanted to go to a club - done! I'm there.
Put on my dancing shoes ... aka ... still rocking my Vans ... and went to Voyeur in Hollywood. Now, if you've never been that is very literally one of the hottest clubs in LA; it's a burlesque show. So, the entire time you're there there are chicks in nets above you rolling around naked. No, like literally - I couldn't believe it. I had never been before, and my mind was totally blown.
She had a table, and a big group of friends, so we all just started kicking it. I sat in the back and just kinda watched everything and watched her work her magic. She would come and sit next to me every few minutes just to make sure I was okay ... but I just sort of drifted off into my own little world mesmerized and intoxicated by the sexual environment.
Then came 1:30 - last call. Dude, LA clubs are so so lame for closing so early. She offered hitting up this mansion at the top of the hill for after hours. DOOONNNNEEEEE!!!! I couldn't wait to just get this chick to a quieter environment and start talking to her. She was so fucking cool, man ... so down to Earth. Yes yes yes and more yes.
After hours mansion parties in LA are literally the most ridiculous thing on the planet. You never ever know who owns the house, but magically they are never there - and I mean we are talking about the most BALLER houses you have ever been in in your entire life with the most INSANNNEEEEE views of the city. There's usually someone DJing, and a fire going in the fireplace.
Ever see the If You Seek Amy video from Britney? Kinda like that ... loads of beautiful people just having the time of their life.
Anyone that goes to after hours is usually pretty drunk and looking to hook up. It's an INCREDIBLY sexual environment without being creepy. Everyone might not know everyone but the fact that you're there means you know the one person that is hosting, and if they say you're cool ... then you're cool.
I got talking to a few of the people, but pretty much spent the night living in my own little world just sort of watching. A few people would come up to me and ask if I was with the chick, and every time I would let her answer; I didn't say anything. Yes, technically speaking I was her date for the night - but I wasn't really sure ... but frankly, I didn't care. She was hot, I was tipsy, and people were totally boning in various rooms of the house.
We sit down on the couch, and one of the chicks comes up and grabs my panda spirithood and starts dancing.
No like literally ... she put my spirithood on, stripped and put on a show for everyone.
As hot as that may have been, I was still just completely enamored with this chick. I kinda watched the chick dance in my spirithood, but I was more enjoying the conversation she and I were having. She enjoys talking about consciousness and even drinks a bit of the Buddhist kool-aid. I was like what fucking planet did you come from? And are there more of you!
Then, she kissed me.
Now, as a female ... kissing a female is a very different experience than kissing a dude. Women are so soft, and the amount of pressure that is applied from their lips to yours is a completely different experience. No, like literally - night and day.
She then moved on a bit more downstairs, and dude it was so hot. Like so so hot ... buuuttttt we were both kinda fucked up at that point from drinking, so it was hot and heavy making out to cuddling to falling asleep. We were on the couch, and not that I would have had a problem just getting it on right then and there as that was pretty much what everyone else was doing - it was still neither the time nor the place.
(Tangent: I asked her this too, what does "getting it on" for two females mean? Is it like scissoring? Does insertion of something have to take place? Think about it. If we both just fingered each other that would only be 3rd base - even if oral was involved ... still just 3rd base. What is going home for two females? I'm still really curious about that.)
It was weird though, when we were making out I just didn't feel that same level of sexual arousal that I get from when I have a threesome. See, when you have a threesome the chicks are kinda like the appetizer, and then the dick is the main course. I get off from penetration, so I kept wanting that bit of ... something! Strictly making out with a female just wasn't doing it for me. And dude, trust, she's fucking hot - so if this isn't happening ... I just ... don't know.
We woke up the next morning, and I went home. We proceeded to chat back and forth, and even hung out with her again - but I just didn't feel that same sense of arousal in my noggin that I get when I am with a guy. I came to the conclusion that I am not in fact bi, I am just a swinger without a swing partner. I love love love people, and I love love love making out with chicks - but at the end of the day what is going to get me off is a dick. I can't deny that part of my brain where arousal is stored that is stimulated specifically upon penetration.
I'm sure I'll have more threesomes in my life, and she and I are totally still good friends, but at least now I can say confidently that upon conducting research that I am in fact straight but with a fierce curiosity and a weakness for soft lips and a nice set of boobs.