OMG, nerds - I am at a breaking point in my dating life. Like seriously ... I just can't take this shit anymore. Hold on, here's the song that goes with this post btw ...
So, I've spent the last 30 days traveling around 4 different cities for various functions. (In Chicago I was speaking at a conference, in Boston I was filming a TV show, then I went to NYC for meetings, and topped it off with a trip to DC to visit my brother and the condo he bought over a year ago.) It kinda messed with my noggin, but I think in a good way.
I have decided to stop all forms of casual sex.
I'm serious on this ... I've been thinking about it all day.
I never used to be this person that had one night stands, or viewed dudes strictly for pleasurable purposes.
The inner animal and hopeless romantic in me are at CONSTANT war. I can't help it - I am so so so so so unbelievably realistic when it comes to dating, but I can't hope at the end of the day that maybe I'm wrong.
I don't know how to get close to people. I really really really don't. It's funny that this is the only truly intimate relationship I have in my entire life, and it's um ... not that intimate.
I'm an INCREDIBLY expressive individual, so that part I got down ... but I don't know how to share that with people, and specifically a guy. The second a guy gets really into me I start jonesing and will make myself disappear. THENNNN the ones that I get REALLY into are totally emotionally unavailable and end up fucking me over royally.
There has to be babysteps into this, right? Step 1. Meet a good guy. Step 2. Open up to said good guy. But how do you even recognize step 1 when it arrives all while you are so clouded and confused. Seriously, I have met some AH-MAZING dudes in the last 2 years, and pushed them all away. I just couldn't deal - this site was my number one focus.
But then also too, I have yet to TRULY find that one dude that is equally as passionate as me about what they do. Guys have trouble understanding half of the words that come out of my mouth, and then the remaining half they get is fueled by passion, but they have no idea what to do with it. I take risks, and do weird shiznat in this space - it doesn't make me special, just awesome ... but also incredibly lonely. I get things really fast and rather than waste time explaining my vision to people I just fucking do it.
UUUGGHHHHHH!!! It just fucking sucks that all of these qualities that make me KILLER in business completely impede my personal life.
Guys want to hunt - but I am a hunter. I don't want to sit around and wait for a dude to approach, if I think someone is hot - I'll march right up to them!!!
I can't do this shit anymore. I am getting INUNDATED with messages on OKC now that I am back in LA, and guys just aren't getting the hint. I'm a fucking person, man. I didn't mean to become this professional dater, I just happen to be very strong willed and devoted to something when I put my mind to it.
This one dude in particular on OKC has sent me 18 messages in the last 10 days - and he's just 1!!! I get that what I do is appealing to dudes, but they just want the chick on the monitor so that they can be the guy that finally bagged the OKC chick.
I know this is all a story to you all - but you have to understand that at the end of the day there is very much a chica here that gets frustrated, and hurt, and ... sad. The attention is lovely, yes, my ego should feel very validated - but it very honestly doesn't. Nothing really phases me in that department.
I want a guy that sees past my bullshit, calls me out if he thinks I'm pushing him away ... I want someone I can learn from, I want someone who is passionate, I want someone who has their shit together, and I'm not going to have sex again until I can find it.
Yes, you read that right.
It's just all such fucking bullshit. I end up feeling so empty afterwards and at the end of the day, that's not at all what I want.
I'm not saying that I have to be officially boyfriend/ girlfriend with someone - but definitely go out on more than a couple dates, and allow myself to be emotionally available to the person and not some cold, heartless animal. At the end of the day I may be a realist that likes to break things apart and figure out how they work - but I will always. always. always. believe in a thing called love. I will always. always. always. wake up wondering if today is the day I will get swept off my feet. And I will always. always. always. keep on believing.
First step though, no more casual sex.