#Fact: Even the most modern women still adhere to gender roles in dating
Thursday, February 2, 2012 at 8:00PM
Dating fascinates me. Wait, that wasn't strong enough ... dating FUCKING FASCINATES ME!!!!! Clearly after going out on over 103 dates in 9 months, but I find the organic core of what makes two people attracted to each other to be one of the coolest things on this planet.
One thing that has come up twice in the last week alone (today I had a skype session with my dating coach @datingcoachb), is the fact that even in our most modern time (online dating, love in 140 characters or less) women still adhere to gender roles.
Lemme personalize this a bit more ...
My entire life I have worn the pants. I step up to the plate when it comes to business and my personal life not because I necessarily want to, but because I learned pretty early on that people aren't naturally inclined to take a leadership role and sometimes you just gotta do what you've gotta do.
That mentality has served me MARVELOUSLY in business, but has fucked me over royally in dating.
Fact, guys have to have a value add or they feel emasculated.
I have spent the last year now stepping down and going more with the flow of dating.
See, in the past, I'd sit there and be attracted to a guy - only to have him either not plan dates, not text on a semi regular basis (more on that in a moment), or just genuinely be out to lunch.
I took this as, oh fuck me - all guys are just ... weird, and clearly I'm still going to have to make sure shit gets done.
This wasn't the case at all.
I had to retrain my brain and ask myself, what in me is attracted to such passive guys? I don't actually want that, so what is this "attraction" I say I feel to them?
I then explored that ... and spent a lot of last year and early this year wearing the shoe on the OTHER foot and literally stepping back and letting the guy lead - and if he for whatever reason didn't text me back, or call - ::poof:: next.
You can't change people, the only thing you can learn is WHY you were attracted to them in the first place, and explore what you can do to move on and not repeat the same pattern.
The universe is a funny thing, it doesn't just let things go with you - and there's no where to hide. It will KEEP presenting the same guy over and over to you until you actually learn a lesson.
Of course, I lucked out in finding not only a modern day shaman (@realityadjacent) but working with a dating coach (@datingcoachb) to help me come to these realizations, and shift my consciousness - but this shit ain't easy.
Dating has a rhythmn, dating has an ebb and flow. Notice how I haven't been talking about my dating life as "in real time" anymore? Because I'm learning that all of the guys that I date will read this site, and will absolutely read what I am thinking giving them a leg up and potentially manipulating the outcome.
I have to be more mysterious.
In the past however, I used to think that was "people playing games" and blah blah blah I don't want that shit.
No, you HAVE TO HAVE THAT SHIT!!!!! It's the rhythm of courtship!!! BAHHHHH!!!!
Here is what I have learned so far:
1) When it comes to a first date, either party can plan it - but the guy should pay.
Period end of sentence. A guy should always pay for the first date. Whether it's drinks, or dinner - your first "first" on both occasions, the guy should pay.
I, as the female, will absolutely absolutely absolutely always offer, but no! You should pay so I can feel "taken care of" and psychologically view you as a provider.
If money is a problem - not an issue, totes get it ... I'm a frugal bitch (survived with $10 to my name for an ENTIRE YEAR)... but then offer to have a picnic. Grab a bottle of two buck chuck, some cheese and crackers - and go and watch the sunset. You don't need a lot of money to date, the date I just mentioned will run you less than $20 and that's including parking and gas.
It's not about the money, it's about the role that a man should step up to when it comes to dating that the female then recognizes and responds to.
2) Courtship is like a dance.
As stated previously, there is a rhythm to dating. Guy (or girl) asks other party out. Numbers are then exchanged, and a time to meet is agreed to by both parties. Parties then arrive on first date, date is then executed, and following the date the GUY makes the next move with a text or call 1-3 days later.
The guy absolutely absolutely absolutely has to make the next move. The woman should psychologically already think of her next date (as to not get too "obsessive") but understand that her job is done. Should he WANT To continue with things, he'll text. If not, no hard feelings - it was just a date, but she should absolutely not text him ... she needs to move on.
If a guy is into you, he WILL TEXT YOU!!!
Let him.
Again, this is all a rhythm and a dance. You can't bust out with the macarena while everyone else is doing a waltz, so just move with it all - and again, if no text is received within that time frame - just move on.
No hard feelings no ... nothing. He just wasn't that into you.
It is then the female's decision if a text is received to then decide if she wants to see him again. If the answer is yes, then text him back, otherwise you can either say, "I had a really great time with you, but just didn't feel anything chemistry wise," or my prefered method (which I have had people yell at me for) is to just not respond back.
It's horrible, it's passive aggressive, but if I'm not into a dude, he'll just get it. It was one date!! We don't owe each other anything.
Whatever the female wants to do at that point is obviously up to you, but again - the dude has to text first, then it is your choice to continue on and go out again, or if not move on.
AFFFTTTTEEERRRRR the second date however, it's pretty much a free for all. I personally prefer a guy to plan dates, as again, I like being the chick - but as far as standardized gender roles are concerned, it does start to widen after the second date.
Bottom line: Dudes, pay for the first and second date - and text or call to make both. Females, sit back, be the girl - look cute ... and pray for butterflies when you kiss.
I'm trying not to sound sexist with this post, but it's kinda impossible. Dating SHOULD be sexist!!! We have defined roles within the space and the articulation of it is important so people can understand the boundaries and not confuse one another with communication cues.
So there you go!! These are some of the lessons learned so far!
All this, annnnndddddd that I am super ready to be less "crazy and adventurous" and more ready and open to have stability in my life. I actually talked about it today with my dating coach, I've discovered a lot in the last two years of what I like, and what I don't, and I've done a TON of internal work - and now I'm just ready and open with a loving heart and THE MOST EXCITEMENT EVER for life to just allow cool shit to happen.
I have learned to adhere to the rhythm and gender roles, and allow things to just be. I can't force things to work out with a guy, nor should I ever have to. It's a numbers game!! Work on you, and allow the rest to just be. Like energy will always attract. UNIVERSAL FACT!!!!!
Oh yeah, this and in 100 years we're all dead anyway so might as well at last enjoy the ride.
#thatisall
Reader Comments (4)
Let me fix that headline for you. It should say "The least modern women still adhere to gender roles in dating." There, let me know if you need anything else.
This posts saddens me greatly. I think of all of our evolution, all of our higher brain function, all the strides we have made in gender equality AND all the hard work we still have to do. Despite all that we are still teaching young women that the man is "in charge" and "the provider" in order to what? Stroke our fragile male egos? Trick women's subconscious into thinking a man's wallet is the sum of his worth? I fear for the day my niece is old enough to start dating and thinks that all she has to offer is "be pretty and passive".
Instead of the strong female role models this site could be about we are just getting Malibu Stacey in a hat. I can't imagine that being enjoyable to read.
Goodbye Jen and good luck on your journey.
From a guys perspective this post frustrates me in knowing that girls are still raised to be stuck in these roles of the man as the provider & the woman to look pretty, sit back & wait for prince charming to come along. 103 is an insane number of dates & in that you see how you cant stand peoples minor flaws in being nervous or shy on a first date. That is very fickle & shows that your very impulsive, like nothing is ever perfect for you. If you like someone, tell them & show them!!
Story:> I was with a girl I just met at a bar (Staci), I was chatting with her friend who I liked, but she went to the washroom. So I had to make small talk with Staci. She noticed a guy walk in the bar, who was built, tall & good looking. She turned to me as he walked behind her & whispered to me "He's HOT". So I told Staci to go talk to him, or just strike up a lame conversation to get the ball rolling. Staci then said "I'm not going up to him, if he thinks Im Hot then he will come up to me". In the end the guy never came up to her & she left alone without conversing with any guy & I would say that she was pretty good looking in my opinion, but most guys are afraid to go after attractive women because their morals & opinions of guys are so physically based on their muscles, height & facial features & just waiting for that prince charming to sweep them off their feet.
Like me, I am a shy guy & I try to be more open/ adventurous in talking with women. But I see myself going after the same type of girls, who might be introverted like me or nerdy in some ways. I judge whether or not I like a person based on the conversations I have with them.
For a girl to just expect things of me out of the gate, like paying for everything & making all plans is absurd. This is 2012 & I think we as humans have evolved enough for a woman to be more decisive & not passive to have their own thoughts & can be more outspoken... I find a decisive woman who can be independent in solving life's problems more attractive than anything, instead of asking a guy what to do or how to do things in a relationship.
It took me a year by myself after a bad relationship to find myself & what I expect in a woman, as well as a relationship. So maybe instead of going on 103 dates, maybe you need time alone to figure out exactly what kind of guy you want & need in your life. Then go after him, dont be waiting for him to come to you. My story proves that you will be alone at the end of the night...
Many kudos to Carnage JesterX, very well said sir. I was very pleased to see this response sitting in my inbox this morning.
I found your story of Staci particularly amusing. How many times have you heard from a woman "I am looking for a man with confidence." Meanwhile these ladies are hiding out surrounded by their friends at the bar waiting for some guy across the room to notice them. Remember ladies, your not asking them to approach a lone woman at a bar and possibly strike out. Your asking them to approach 2-3 women at a bar and not only strike out but also have an audience silently judging them. Guess what? Guys with that level of confidence probably don't need to prowl bars looking for love AND odds are they are looking for a person of equal confidence in a significant other.
As for the 103 dates, coupled with the "guy has to pay for the first date" concept it just sort of paints a picture of someone who likes free dinner. I am sure that isn't what Jen intended but I don't doubt it is what many people are seeing from the outside.