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<editorsnote> Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world.  We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!! </editorsnote>

 

 

 

 

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Tuesday
Feb282012

#Nerdsunite: Truth and transparency - Introducing the world's first relationship review application

So, I'm currently hanging in NYC working all this week with this super freaking rad startup that I am CRAZY passionate about, and we just adjourned the morning meeting where I found out that I can FINALLY tell you guys all about it. 

Nerds, I'd like to introduce you to my buddy Mirror.net. 

It hasn't launched yet (although it is this weekend), but I very literally cannot remember a time I have ever been more passionate about a startup. 

For reals, anyone in this space will tell you that we get pitched morning. noon. and night. on the most random, weird, and out there shiznat. Of course, I genuinely appreciate everything you guys send, and this is by no means a diss to anyone - but just VERY matter of fact that when something catches my eye like these guys were able to do ... you know they're onto something. 

Here's the rundown ... 

First up - let's get a song to go with this post. 

AHHH yes, girl talk. this works. 

Okey, so what is Mirror? And what the hell is a "relationship review application?" 

Here let me very literally draw a picture for you guys ... 

 

Since twitter has still failed to establish its value in the court of public opinion, lemme use Facebook as an example. 

This is social media as we currently see it; it is our lives lived with our best foot forward. 

You have LinkedIn to give a snapshot of your work history, and Facebook acting as people's primary resource to connect with you on a personal level. 

These are our two little lives, as told by us, the way that we want the world to see us ... pretty dandy isn't it? 

This digital profile however fails to give you an ACTUAL representation of who this person is, and what they are about.

What Mirror does is provide a perspective from a collective of individuals in your life as told through THEIR eyes - not yours. 

The reviews can come from friends, or past dates - but bottom line, THEY create the profile for you ... you have ZERO control of your online reputation in that regard. (haha scary shit, right?) 

A few weeks ago I put out a notice asking for guys that I had dated to contact me if they were interested in taking a part of this. 

If I am going to preach transparency, and PREACH openness ... how could I not be involved in something like this?? After all, the bottom line of why I lifecast and why I do what I do is because it is a way for me to better myself and to hold myself accountable for my actions. (Remember, we can never understand our current state of consciousness until we step outside of it. Documenting my life helps me TRULY understand, wow! I thought this ... but I meant that ... wow, I didn't know I was being that way!!) All of this shit is always unintentional, but very matter of fact that this is what we all do! Welcome to life!! Reality is perception, why do you think eyewitness accounts when a crime takes place are so unreliable? 

You're never going to understand how or why you are the way you are right now ... BUT if you are willing to be exposed in a certain capacity some extreme learning can come from it, and speaking from first hand experience it friggen changed my life FOREVER!!! I'm so grateful for lifecasting, and so grateful for this site and what I do. 

Anywho, so one of the people I heard from when I sent out that announcement was Coldplay cutie. Remember him from last summer? Here's the post I wrote about him, and here is the Mirror review he wrote about me: 

Here is what the new Mirror landing page will look like ... 

and here is the landing page on my review ... 

 

It is ALL anonymous, so I hid my review handle so people can't trace who I am on the site, since then obvi it would give away the identities of some of the dudes that I've dated. I still heart privacy of others. 

The reviewer stays anonymous on Mirror. always. always. always. 

Then, you can view my picture (which people are given the option of uploading three pics of you, and again - not how you CHOOSE to represent yourself, but what you ACTUALLY look like) ... 

This person chose my avatar, which is smart because obviously I use it on every social network and every anything ... 

They are then given the option on the review of highlighting positive qualities that the person possesses, in my case he chose "quick witted, hard working, intelligent, and optimistic." 

Then, they asked to select the person's faults - and yes, you MUST select two. Dudes, no one is perfect, and again this is TRUTH AND TRANSPARENCY. Coldplay cutie said that I "needed to think more about others, and needed to be the center of attention." 

Does it hurt to read that someone selected those qualities about you? FUCK YEAH! It does!!!  ... but get. over. it. Remember, if it hurts it's because it is resonating inside of me in some regard, so now I at least have a next doable action in working on bettering myself ... ::thinks to self:: ah yes, I can tone it down in certain social settings ... dually noted. This is something that I might not have registered in my current state of consciousness, but I am grateful to at least have, and after a few reviews come in if EVERYONE is saying that, you will CERTAINLY have a good idea of what you are "really like." 

Each profile has a unique identifier to differentiate each review. Obviously, you'll also have the age, and location of the person, but again, this will give you yet ANOTHER example of how people perceive you. 

Here is my unique identifier ... 

 

HAHAHA internet addict. Yep! Good one. 

Next, they are directed to comment on you in the relationship. You guys read the post on Coldplay cutie, but here is what he said about me ... 

 

"My head wasn't really into her, although I gave it my best shot, because she's a great girl. However she never disconnects from the internet. She NEEDS to date a fan of her site. It is the only thing she is interested in." 

<editorsnote> Mom and dad, stop reading here ... we're going to get a little more in depth, and I don't need to pay for your therapy. Love you! But go away. </editorsnote> 

Did that hurt to read? Certainly! I thought at the time that I disconnected from this site and social media as a whole. Of course as you all also know, I have been working on bettering myself with the Modern Day Shaman, and have even made it a habit to not bring my phone out with me while I'm on a date (not like first or second date - but if I'm TOTALLY into a guy after a few dates, and I know he's not like a serial killer) ... I do not, do not, do not, need to give away any attention to my social media accounts. It is something that I genuinely picked up on that I was doing, and have since corrected. FTR, Coldplay cutie and I dated last summer (which is also noted on the review).  

He discusses in very black and white what it is like to date me, at that time, in the state of consciousness that I was in last summer. 

Again, has this changed? Yep! But I'm still in my own skin and looking at life through my own eyeballs; I'll be curious to read more recent reviews. 

Next up, they are asked to review the relationship as a whole ... 

 That part actually REALLY pissed me off; I never cheated on Coldplay cutie ... we weren't friggen officially dating!! Last summer I still had a fuck buddy, which I talked about openly, so sure - Coldplay wasn't the only guy I was sleeping with, (but always always always used protection with. ALWAYS - and not "just the tip for a second) so how can you be "cheating" on someone if you've 1) never had that convo and 2) only went out 4 times. So lame. (To date however, I have not had a fuck buddy since last summer, ANNDDDD have given up casual sex. Translation: If I am having sex with someone in any capacity it is because I am building a connection with them, and not just boning.)

Next, he discusses my dateAbility a bit further ... 

  

 

NEXT up, is the part that I CRIINNGGEEEEDDDD over - the sexAbility, aka what the person is actually like in bed: 

 

That masturbation part made me laugh because I remember saying that ... and now I get why I had to give up casual sex last September (a month after he and I dated). 

Adequately fulfilling? Ouch. Coldplay cutie and I didn't have good sex ... like at all. We were different people, and he had never had a girlfriend before, which as every lady knows is an investment in a guy to teach them certain things. 

As I've said before though, dating has an ebb and flow. (Something that I only recently started exploring. You not only can't rush things, but men have a different way of courting chicks they want to get serious with versus ones they are just looking to bone. And vice versa for chicks, btw. I'll DEF treat a fuck buddy different than a guy I want to actually date, however, females have sex on a more emotional level, so in some capacity even a fuck buddy I will at one point think about dating. Damn you oxytocin!!!)

I actually really appreciated reading his honest perspective of that, and have DEFINITELY taken note on toning down my sexuality when it comes to guys. (Which is REALLY hard for me, btw, because I have such a high sex drive ... but I am learning, I am learning.) 

What you now have right here is a review of what I am ACTUALLY like, not what I think I might be like. Of course too, people change ... and things happen ... what's rad about Mirror is that when multiple reviews come in, it will populate similar to your Facebook timeline.

Your most recent reviews will appear first, and then going back. Coldplay cutie and I dated at the end of last summer, now 7 months later hopefully the next guy will write something different ... but who knows! Either way, if I keep getting over and over that I am being overly sexual, or that all I do is talk about TNTML I will DEFINITELY have a better idea of what my problem is dating wise, and am then provided with a next doable action in bettering myself. 

I learned from the 103 dates in 9 months that attraction and that "butterfly" feeling that I got from each of the guys I liked was that there was something in them that resonated in me. If you're dating a series of assholes and douches, what in you wants or expects to be treated like that? In very black and white terms (based on the OKC algorithm) I picked the ONLY 4 emotionally unavailable guys in the bunch. What did all of that say about me? And about where my own head is at? 

This is now why I've been working with a dating coach, and have a Modern Day Shaman ... it's all I know to do! CLEARLY there are some issues that I am still dealing with, but at least now I have this information to empower myself with and hopefully figure out a way to break the pattern. 

Have I done it yet? I don't know. I'm still single, and the thought of falling for YET ANOTHER emotionally unavailable guy completely freaks me out ... but I'm dating, and I'll figure that part out. At least with a site like Mirror however, now I can also get anonymous feedback on what the guys thought of me AFTER or during the fact. (There is an option to select if you are still dating, or if you are no longer together.) 

To write a review on Mirror you must provide Mirror with three pieces of information ... 

1) The person's phone number

2) The person's email address

3) The person's Facebook URL

You have to have two of the three, and they ping the system using this fancy pants technology that can check to make sure it actually IS their information. 

It's SO FREAKING RAD!!!! 

Mirror does not publicly post their phone number, nor does it collect it for marketing purposes - rather, they collect it to enhance their search capabilities. You can not only search by someone's name, but by their phone number, and email address. 

There are currently two verticals for the site - friendship, and relationship reviews. Another vertical will be announced at a later date, but people will not only be able to see how you are in a relationship, but how you are with your friends!! 

And again, like with the relationship review component, there HAVE to be at least two faults that the person fills out about you. Again, none of us are perfect, and this is a GREAT way to capture information on how you can better yourself. 

I can already hear you guys from this side of the monitor ... 

1) How is this legal? 

Through section 230 of the Communications Decency act of 1996. Remember a few weeks ago I was telling you all how I was talking to my corporate lawyer father about the legal definition of the word "truth?" Yep! This is what i was referring to. 

2) What if someone posts something negative? How is this monitored? 

First up, let's talk about facts (since I heart tangibles) ...

90% of all Mirror reviews are positive or constructive. It's incredible actually, and I can speak to my own self in that I have only written ONE bad review (which was actually denied from being posted on Mirror). That's the thing with Mirror, they not only have an approval algorithm, but there is a human that still views everything by hand before any reviews go live.

I ADORED the majority of the guys that I dated, and would LOVE to talk about how great they were, things for just one reason or another ended up not working out, but again, that is something I am working on myself. 

Mirror isn't scary, it is only reflective. It isn't life as told through a highlight reel, but life as told by people SEEING YOU LIVE IT!!! 

Knowledge is power, and a mirror is only a reflective surface - it's up to YOU to hold yourself accountable for your actions, so bottom line, stop sucking!!! 

People are fundamentally honest, and willing to share said honesty as long as they can be anonymous (which again, Mirror is). 

<tangent> This is something that I've noticed in taking public transportation for almost 450 days, people are fundamentally "good people." Although you have anomalies here and there ... getting hit with a brick, anyone anyone ... those are one offs. I can't BEGIN to tell you how kind people are, and how many random acts of awesome I have been witness to every day taking public transportation. People want to know that if they are ever in need someone will be there for them, so they in turn reach out to people who are in need. I won't write a "bad" review because I genuinely don't have those kinda people in my life. Even when it comes to online dating!!! I attracted those scenarios in the first place!!! </tangent>

Don't believe me? Write some reviews for yourself. They'll be launching this weekend, and I'll be updating you all on my progress in using the service. I can't BEGIN to tell you how much this excites me, and how EXCITED I am to learn even more about myself in a more transparent environment.

Here's to personal growth! It may not be easy, but the journey is the destination and I am merely enjoying every minute of the ride. 

#thatisall

Stay tuned for more info on Mirror. Going. To. Be. Huge.

HUGE HUGE HUGE!!

Oh and PS. their founders are really really really ridiculously good looking. Like seriously, THAT should not be legal. ::sigh::

UPDATE: Coldplay cutie just emailed me saying he knew we weren't exclusive, and I didn't cheat. He claims that he selected the wrong option. ::facepalm::



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Reader Comments (5)

Okay, wait a minute. You INVITE someone to this review site so that you know who he is, he reviews you, and then you proceed to talk MORE shit about him on your website, undermining what is supposed to be his anonymous honest opinion? Telling people that he had never had a girlfriend before? And giving everyone his internet handle as you fiercely and defensively argue with every opinion he had?

I don't think you're ready for that kind of real review, girl. And as soon as you REALLY get those guys you can't figure out who they are and then whom you can't adequately ANSWER, you will take it down, I'm sure.

So understand your part in this for what it is: yet another self-absorbed way to advertise your own sexuality in a public place by "talking back" to those YOU INVITE to critique you.

You're not learning anything from this except how to be more defensive about who you think you are. Plus you are just encouraging real good guys to think that you are a whore. I mean really, who but a whore needs for future lovers to read reviews by her past ones?

Don't post this, but please take it to heart. You will not be ready for a committed real relationship until you stop posting all of your dirty laundry bits to the world. What makes you care more about what the world thinks that about what that one important person thinks? But you answer to the world and divulge everyone's secrets. Who would want to be involved with that?

Good relationships need solid commitment to work on things together, not blab about the person's faults to anyone who will listen. :-(

It is the job of a writer to decide what NOT to say as well as what TO say.

February 29, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdeanya

thats not his internet handle, thats just what he created the account with. that was his choice to pick that and its entirely public information - i cant stop people from seeing that.

im not in control of the reviews ... at all. thats one thing ive gotten before on this site is that when guys have written about me, im still the editor and the one that hits publish. i tell people i dont edit them, but who's going to truly believe that?

im just experiencing my life and documenting findings. you're prolly 1,000% right - but its my journey, and im just living it. im really passionate about this space, and really passionate about transparency.

you can call me a whore you can call me anything - im 27 and these are my experiences documented as close to real time as possible. thats all. appreciate you reading either way! #love

February 29, 2012 | Registered CommenterTalk Nerdy To Me Lover

Confusion. So anyone you've ever dated or that has two of the three required bits of info can post a review about you and you have NO say whatsoever? Seems kind of risky on their part. Like 'playing with an oil fire around an electrical socket and using water to try to put it out' risky. :/

February 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMatt T

its an interesting idea and DEFINITELY culturally disruptive (which is what interested me in the first place). You can dispute a review and if its flat out "wrong" it will get taken down. interesting though that it makes you wonder what the legal definition of the word "truth" is. OOOOOHHH LIFE!!!

February 29, 2012 | Registered CommenterTalk Nerdy To Me Lover

This is written with the best of intentions. If you REALLY want to know why you pick unavailable men and cannot sustain a relationship, you should dispense with the BS dating coach and shaman and seek some counseling/treatment. It seems obvious to me that even though you CLAIM to want a relationship, at least a large part of you does not. Picking unavailable men and constantly surrounding yourself with/creating drama is a good way to avoid a real connection. I am not a psychologist but, I play one on TV. Most of the time issues like this stem from familial/abandonment issues or some kind of abuse. My guess is that if you found someone that truly was interested in YOU and wanted to build a healthy relationship, that you would recoil from them and find them boring. That seemed to be at least part of the issue with this guy. He "came on too strong". It's something to watch for.

The sexual component can also be part of a history of trauma. There's nothing wrong with liking "dirty sex" or being "banged hard" IMO but, if that's the ONLY thing that can get you off or you cannot stand more intimate or sensual interactions then that is kind of a red flag. Even though men are generally good at separating sex and love and don't have the reputation of being sensitive or whatever, most men that want to have a committed relationship with you are going to want to do more than just bang you hard all of the time. It's a matter of degree and timing IMO. Telling someone after a first date that you're going to masturbate to them is probably a little too much too soon. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it and would find it flattering but, it might intimidate a lot of men. Sometimes it's good to self-filter and hold some things back. Along those lines, as some others here have alluded to, you may have to consider changing your stance about not dating anyone not willing to be blog fodder if you want a committed relationship. A lot of people will want at least a large portion of your relationship to be private, even if you believe that you are doing your best to ensure their anonymity.

July 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbbnate

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