Wow. I just had the most difficult conversation I have ever had in my entire life ... I officially said good bye to Romeo.
... and not just the "oh you can't date me now, let's talk in 6 months good bye," I asked him to not talk to me again.
After a few minutes he finally agreed.
First off, so my Romeo is the story of my very first love. You can read how we met here. Then after I posted that story like a week later he cast me in this commercial he was doing. THENNNNN, time went by, but on April 18th this year he texted me that he and his girl had broken up and low and behold he just so happened to be at the bar that I can literally throw a rock to from my house.
Our story is nuts, period end of sentence, but a big part of me is actually glad this is all over. I closed a VERY big chapter in my life tonight, and as sad as I am that it came to this, I also feel an odd sense of relief.
So, after he came back into my life, he was a total dick. He wasn't really returning my calls - I kept asking him when we could hang out, and every time he just kept leaving me hanging. It drove me nuts, and in working with my Modern Day Shaman for the last 8 months, I knew knew knew I had to lay my cards on the table and tell him exactly how I felt but the entire thing was driving me FREAKING NUTS because he wasn't allowing me to see him.
Finally, a week ago, I emailed him on Facebook.
Again, this was not my preferred method, but I genuinely didn't know what else to do. Here is the actual message I sent ... (I normally screenshot things but this was SO long it populated really small so to spare you all from squinting here is the text)
Alrite, I have texted and now I have called. I don't doubt for a second that you're very honestly busy - but after almost a month now of talking to you again ... I'm literally going out of my mind not knowing what all of it means - and it's not fair.
I didn't want to do this over email, in fact, I was SEVERELY trying not to since writing is always my emotional default - but you leave me no option. I have to tell you what I feel and get this out of my head before I literally go insane.
I love you XXXX. I love you so much it hurts. I've loved you from the SECOND you first kissed me in the street on XXXXX Ave. I thought I was just young and dumb when it first happened, but alas, the universe kept throwing us in each other's face even if we were both too young to understand what it all meant.
When you fell in love with me in SF I didn't know what to do. I wasn't willing to leave LA at that time and frankly I was so young and still so scared of what everything really meant. I had to find me before I could ever get into any sort of a healthy relationship.
For the last 2.5 years I have lived with the heaviest of regrets in coming back to LA for someone other than you. I've obviously had a lot of eclectic life experience - but you were my absolute only regret. Now, however, after a lot of soul searching - I'm really glad we didn't. I was still so young, and still so unsure of myself. It was the anger and energy from that broken heart that launched my brand, my baby, my everything. I needed to find my voice before we could ever be together.
I launched my own business and went on this INTENSELY spiritual experience and even after 103 dates in 9 months and if I genuinely had to add it all up well over 100 extra dates - I know that it's all still you. It's ALWAYS been you. Why else do you think I haven't been in a relationship in almost 3 years?
Seeing you last summer at that commercial shoot killed me. I was literally shaking on set I could barely even look at you, or speak - but you looked so amazing and so happy. It was hard to see you, but I couldn't have been happier for you at the same time. Was I sad that I wasn't the girl you were dating? ABSOLUTELY!! But any woman that made you smile and glow like that gets a high five from me ... until of course she breaks your heart, and then I genuinely want nothing more than to break her legs, but that's an entirely different conversation.
This is something I'm really embarrassed to admit to you ... but then on Christmas eve last year I was staring at my mother's wedding ring and decided that I wanted to pull a prank on my site's community by faking an engagement as a christmas present. I took my mom's ring and with one mobile upload on Facebook, and one 140 character tweet I had over 14,000 people for 9 hours buzzing about the engagement. Immediately people wanted to know who was the groom since after all, how could I go from dating so many people to being engaged ... so I quickly reposted our story on Facebook and everyone was OVVEERRR the moon! Literally - it knocked my Klout score up two points.
I'm not ever one to pull a prank on people because I'm just too genuine of a person and too freaking gullible - but I then had to sit there for the next 24 hours and know in my heart that it was all a prank and in my heart it wasn't true even though I was getting THOUSANDS of tweets, emails, texts, smoke signals from all these wonderful nerds congratulating me. My parents thought I was absolutely out of my mind, btw.
I then sat in this weird depression for weeks after the prank. I realized you and I were never going to be and coming from someone who is so PAINFULLY optimistic, it killed me. Our story was so nuts to begin with, it only seemed logical that somewhere in there ... deep deep inside ... there would be a happy ending.
Getting that text from you last month literally meant the world to me. Obviously hearing that some chick broke your heart wasn't cool in my book ... but just knowing that somehow, somewhere there would be a chance for us has shaken me to my core.
I FREAKING STOOD SOMEONE UP THE NIGHT THAT WE MET!! That is so not kosher for passover in my book, and something I have never EVER done - but I couldn't believe how shocked I was over not only seeing you again but knowing that the SECOND I turned around at the XXXXXX as you tapped me on the shoulder I realized how much I still. fucking. love. you. I can't ever stop loving you XXXX, that is my problem.
I know things aren't going as well as you'd hope them to be professionally and personally. I was kinda kidding about XXXX but I can honestly only imagine what that is like and what you must be going through emotionally.
If she makes you happy then go for it. I genuinely genuinely genuinely mean that but I can't keep playing this emotional phone roulette with myself wondering each time if it's you, and each time it rings if it means that I'm actually going to get to see you.
My personal truth right now is that I want you in my life. I want to date you, only you - I want to be with you in every sense of what that really means. I've wanted nothing more than that for 8 years!!
You had your soul searching in San Fran, I had to have my soul searching through the internet.
I need to know what's going on in your head and what you're feeling. Please stop ignoring me, and please just say something!! I'm not mad at whatever your decision is, but I ABSOLUTELY have to place a boundary on our relationship moving forward if you can't be with me. I LOVE YOU TOO FREAKING MUCH and I'm 27 - I turn 28 this year, I want a relationship in my life. I want to get married in the next 5-10 years, I want to have kids and be a kick ass mom. To get to that step I have to first date someone. To get to dating someone I had to do all the self work I just did. I CANNOT and WILL NOT do to another guy what I just did to the guy I was dating over you. It's not fair to them and it's DEFINITELY not fair to me.
God this feels so good typing out. I love you XXXX - I love you so fucking much it's ridiculous, inconvenient, and mind blowing. You turn me into this mushy piece of putty and I have to do everything not to just start crying when I look at you. It's horrible, I'm a mess ... but this is my mess, and I have lost you before - I can do it again.
You came back to me ... but why?
That is my truth. That is the truest email I have ever sent. It is my heart, my soul ... my everything on the table - boom right there.
What happened next?
I swear to god had he been in close enough range I no DOUBT would have slapped him. His tone, everything about that conversation made him come across like SUCH an asshole, and that is NOT the person that I know.
He even told me flat out that he couldn't even get through the whole thing because it was "too long."
I don't know who the 32 year old version of Romeo is, but all I can say is that I really really really don't like him.
So, bottom line, we left things off at the fact that he was going to call me at some point and we were going to talk things out. In his mind, tonight was the perfect time.
At 10pm my phone rings.
I look down and see his name.
FUCK! I think. I don't want to have to deal with this, but better now than never.
HELLOOOOO, I answer kinda goofy.
Hi, he replies.
Listen, he says, I want to apologize.
I then interject, dude, you have to understand when we last talked I was LITERALLY dodging cars in the street. I was late for this thing ...
he stops me.
Can you not interrupt me? I'm trying to apologize to you.
His tone sent a chill down my spine - who is this person, I thought.
I remain silent.
I'm really sorry for everything Jen. I'm sorry I came back into your life, I had no idea this would elicte this kind of response from you.
I remain silent.
You know, we were back and forth a bit when I was still dating my ex, and I knew I wasn't ready to see you because I knew I still had feelings for you. When I messaged you that night though I didn't think you would have reacted that way. I'm working so hard on this TV show right now, and I don't have time for anything let alone a girlfriend. And also my heart got so destroyed in my last relationship, I just don't think I'd be ready for quite some time.
I remain silent.
He stops speaking indicating he is done.
I get it Romeo (I used his real name), but you have to understand if it's not now it's literally never. We've done this for EIGHT YEARS and I've never been more ready in my life for a relationship and ready for the next stage in my life. Yes, I get the work thing, you did the same to me in 2010 and I was the one that told you to go away so I could start my website. But now this is it, I love you so much it hurts, but I'm not doing this anymore with you. We can't keep going back and forth, none of this is healthy.
I understand, he quietly replies.
I love you, always have, always will - but I need like literally 5 years, if not more. I'm in a better place now where I know I am capable of loving someone, and because of your timing, I genuinely thought that was you.
I can't believe we're doing this all over again, he said. I guess we're not meant to be.
I don't know what is "meant to be" but I do know that this is my truth right now, and this is what I want. I HAVE TO put a boundary around us speaking or being around each other in general since it is all just too much for me.
I'm ready for a healthy relationship and I am ready to move on - this. is. what. i. am. doing. with. my. life.
I've never heard you like this, he said. You sound like you're about to meet someone. You're so focused!
HA, what does "I'm about to meet someone" sound like, I ask.
It's just how you're speaking. You're so clear and deliberate - this is the business side of you, but not the dating side.
Will you watch my show when it airs? he asks. I'd really like your feedback.
I don't think you understand what I am saying to you, Romeo. I. can't. speak. to. you. anymore. I am closing this chapter of my life.
He then remains silent.
I love you Romeo, and I know you're going to do bigger and better things ... I then start to choke up ... but I need to be done with this, I need to be disconnected from your energy. It's not healthy and doesn't serve a purpose in my life.
I understand, he says. Well, I want to say that I'll talk to you soon but I know that isn't going to happen.
Be well, Romeo and just be happy. That's all I ever wanted.
Bye he says.
I don't even say bye I instead just hang up the phone and run into the bathroom to start a bath for myself so I can calm down.
I. Was. Hysterical.
Not because things didn't work out the way that I wanted them to, but that for the first time in our 8 year courtship, I actually realized this was the absolute end.
I was sobbing so hard at this point that I literally got light headed, so I then laid down in the bathtub and thought about my life and everything.
It was as if this odd movie montage of our entire relationship played in my head. A "this is your life" moment for my first love.
It's done, I thought. This entire thing is finally done.
A rush of this release then calmed my system.
Everything is over. Wow, this is actually really freeing I thought.
This love that I have for this one person that has no doubt been a big factor in the reason why I have yet to be in a committed relationship was now finally cut free.
It's done. I'm free, I thought. I'm FINALLY FREE!!
I don't know what is meant for my future, obviously, but I can say that this is the FIRST time in my life that I have ever spoken my truth to someone and immediately gotten a response. Was it was I was looking for? Not really, but judging by his reaction to everything this might be a really good thing. Maybe the 27 year old Jen and 32 year old Romeo would not get along. Dudes, he was such a dick on the phone - what in me would TOLERATE being talked to like that?
NO. FUCKING. BUENO.
My lesson in this is not that there is always a "happily ever after" but for the first time in my life I expressed my truth to someone and allowed it to not be contingent on anything else.
In speaking my truth my heart became whole again. Now with Romeo OFFICIALLY out of my life I can now allow room for someone else to move in and occupy the space.
You just have to keep doing you, nerderinos and understand that LIKE. ENERGY. ATTRACTS. I am worthy of being loved, and now that my heart is whole again - I know there is something right around the corner.
Thanks everyone for reading all of the series of posts, and for all of your wonderful wonderful comments. You guys mean the world to me. SO FREAKING ELATED this is all over with. Onto the next!! =)
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."