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#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen: The guy you're dating turns out to be gay

Friel does it again.Oh goodness. Now, I know clearly I have launched this brand on my dating fails - but even for me ... this one is new.

So, the other day I was skyping with a very dear old friend and of course the conversation naturally drifted to our dating lives.

I told her I was still single, but dating one duderino in particular that I really liked.

That's awesome, she said. You're not going to believe this though ...

What, I replied back.

Remember (let's call him) Mark? The guy you met on Match (I was briefly on Match in ... 2005 or 2006)?

Yeah, I said.

I bumped into him at The Abbey (a very popular gay bar in West Hollywood), and he's gay now.

WHHAAATTT!!!! I said. Shut. The. Front. Door.

Mark and I dated for a few months and while we were never classified as boyfriend/ girlfriend - it was thought of in my head as more of a timing issue than anything. I was really young at the time and not necessarily wanting to commit to anything, and he was always busy working on his projects that it seemed like one instance after the other of life getting in the way.

I have to be honest with you about something, she confesses.

<tangent> I met Mark on Match, but in the smallest world ever category this old friend also happened to know him before we ever started dating. </tangent>

Like a year before you guys actually started dating he revealed to me that he was questioning his sexuality.

WHAT!!! (This is the only word I am able to say at this time. There were NOOOO hints in my mind that this guy was gay. None. At. All.)

Why didn't you say anything?

Because it had been a year and I figured if he was dating you then he was obviously straight.

How did this revelation come up? (pun intended)

Over a bottle of wine. We were just playing catch up and he then blurted it out.

What did he say?

That he was questioning his sexuality and that he had hooked up with a guy before.

What did he say about the experience?

He said that "he wished it was bigger."

WHAT!!! I reply

Yeah, that is pretty much the stamp of, yep - I'm gay.

Why didn't he mention anything to me about it? We were friends more than anything too.

I think he was afraid of coming out and what it would mean on his life. This was also so long ago and he was so young I can only imagine it being a confusing time.

Wow, this is nuts, I think.

I then truly thought about everything and let the words, Mark. Is. Gay. sink into my head and pondered if there was a way that this should have come out differently. 

I feel like he should have at least articulated SOMETHING to me. Maybe some curiosity ... something!!!

You're saying this at 27 though, and with a lot of life experience. You guys were both young.

True, I say. But if a guy I was dating at this age was questioning ANYTHIINNNGGG in his sexuality now I'd want to help in some capacity. Yes, it would obviously hurt if I was really into him ... but there's nothing more heartbreaking than knowing that someone you're dating is carrying this big secret that they never told you.

She then stops me ...

Yeah, but he wasn't really telling anyone. I got it out of him because he was tipsy - but I'm sure this happens all the time.

Anyone you've ever dated turn out to be gay?

OH YES, she said. I didn't necessarily find out at The Abbey, but it's pretty common with women - especially in LA.

I then think back to what he said about his experience ... "I wish it was bigger."

That right there says it all, I reply.

We then hung up our skype call and I flipped back to Myspace where I had a few pics of us kicking it.

While I was staring at the pictures everything just started to make sense. He had a male roommate that I was pretty sure he fooled around with. I can't explain it other than this ... scent ... that women can pick up on. It's like the second someone else is doing your dude you can feel it.

He also took a really long time to have an orgasm, and he enjoyed doggie ... A LOT ... oh dear god.

I spent the rest of the afternoon connecting as many of the dots that I could connect and then decided to let it all go. I'm GENUINELY stoked that Mark has found peace within himself and is able to now be out and proud, however how does this not knock your confidence down as a female? He came out shortly after we stopped dating - so was I the straw that broke the homosexual seal saying yes! I know I don't like this, so I can now come out!!

I know this is a pretty common thing, but I definitely spent a few hours sulking with my vagina and questioning her awesomeness.

Time will only tell if any more dudes that I date turn out to be gay. I live in West Hollywood, so maybe I should consider a relocation just to be safe. 




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Reader Comments (2)

Think of it more like, "Jen is a beautiful, awesome woman with this fantastic energy! If i can't be into her, how can i ever be into women?"

May 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterThePinkPhantom

My last "real" boyfriend (way back in 2006) was gay.

I didnt find out till 3 months in, and we had been living with each other.

So yeah, it definitely knocks down your confidence as a woman, and your gaydar skills, and all sorts of things.

Probably has something to do, with why I havent really connected with anyone for longer than a few dates since the breakup with him.


May 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

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