<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>
I am constantly amazed by the wisdom that children hold. Last week, my boss showed me a little story that a random child wrote and left behind for us. It was titled "The Locked Door". The first line read "There is nothing more tempting than a locked door, a broad, dark, locked door". It followed with the line "It was like all of the other doors, except it was locked." These words resonated with me and got me thinking of how it is a good analogy for many situations in life, but more importantly, for my mission.
"The Locked Door" story brought me to a place in my awareness that I needed to see. If I turned this into a metaphor about my mission it would go like this- if the door was open and I could peak in, I wouldn't be so obsessed with what is inside. But-since the door is locked and forbidden to be entered, all I can do is think about what might lie behind the door. The door looks just like any other door, and probably doesn't have anything all that enticing behind it anyway, but the fact that I can't just open the damn door is making the intrigue larger than life. I tell myself that I can't have a man, they are off limits. Sex is unacceptable, relationships are a no go, it is making me want both of those things more than I actually do.
So, I ask myself "if I wasn't on my mission, would I still crave men and all that comes along with them as much?" I doubt it. Think about it, we always want what we can't have. Forbidden fruit goes back to the beginning of creation depending on what you believe. There are countless love stories, and movies based on star crossed lovers, and love that has been exiled in some way. It makes me think that if we did away with forbidding anything, we wouldn't want all of the things we can't have. If that was the case, we would be free to leave no stone unturned.
It's like in a relationship. We expect our partner to be completely faithful to us and we expect them to not have desires beyond our partnership, which in a lot of cases makes one or both of the lovers crave something that seems appealing, because the door is locked. I think I might be on to something, but it isn't quite that simple. I like to think that I can dig the idea of leaving all doors open to explore, but if I am being truly honest with myself, I don't know if I could. Even though I know first hand that a locked door makes what ever is behind it seem more captivating than it most likely is in real life, I still long for monogamy. I say that now, 4 months into my "6 Month NO MAN Mission", but I know that once in the situation, I would eventually change my tune. I have always been in monogamous relationships, and I have inevitably ended up wanting something that was behind a locked door. So, what is the solution? I don't know. In my ideal world, I believe that when I find "the one" then I will no longer care what is behind the door, but I have not experienced that yet so I am left to believe that the idea just isn't realistic.
What is a girl like me to do? A girl addicted to love with idealistic notions, who has the biggest locked door ever right in front of her. This door has been taunting me for a very long time, even before I started my mission. Even when I was with "Someone", I wanted the key to the locked door. Hell, if I think back it was like that in every relationship. It goes back to the whole "grass is greener" concept. Here I am, single and free to explore anything I want, yet I put a self imposed dead bolt on all doors that read "man" and "love". At this point in my mission I am starting to think that it is hindering me more than it is helping me, but that is just the addict talking. Or is it? If I just allowed myself to sift through the possibilities, would I be so obsessed with the idea of love and sex? I have no idea.
The funny thing is, I was just telling Tim about my theory and he asked if the door represents a zipper....ha! Yes, actually I think it does!
My name is Tiffany and I am trembling over the locked door before me.