<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>
Just to be clear, this post is not primarily about a man, it is about all people that I desire to have in my life and what happens to me when I actually care if they stick around or not, and until I feel safe from the possibility of getting hurt.
It amazes me how much the idea of love throws me off of my path. How I am willing to completely throw all of myself into the possibility of love. It’s like love and being in love is the primary reason I was brought to this Earth. It controls my every move in life. I am so ruled by my heart that my head feels like it is in a constant battle between reason and feeling. I am in awe of how obvious my lessons are. It almost seems like a cosmic joke. Or- am I just so tuned in that I can see what is being thrown at me and why? It is leaving me very clear, yet sublimely uncomfortable with dealing with what “is”.
I get so caught up in fantasy and possibility that the moment the promise of that fantasy or possibility goes away I am left in withdrawal mode. Sad, cold, lonely staring into the face of that old familiar feeling. Longing for what has been lost.
It can’t be healthy to be so obsessed with love. Why do I keep searching for love outside of myself? Why is it that I think I am in love with myself until I actually have feelings for someone else? Suddenly I begin to pick myself apart, I become a more reserved version of who I am, I find everything wrong with myself that the other person might see and then I get caught up in that place. Next thing I know, I am a watered down version of the amazing woman that I actually am because I have become so self conscious.. I don’t like it. I have definitely lost myself as of late. That is why I know that although I have aborted my mission, I still have tons of work to do. How can I expect anyone to be in love with me if I am not in love with myself? I need to be in love with and proud of every single facet of my being. I need to own who I am, how I feel, what I think, and not shrink into some mold of what I think someone else wants me to be, just so they stay in my life. That is absolutely ridiculous and I am not usually like that at all. I am pretty outspoken, forward, and unapologetic about who I am and how I feel. I am outrageous, dirty minded, silly, and sarcastic. But, I have been none of those things recently. I have stopped writing, stopped expressing myself, stopped being me essentially.
What I have learned from this awareness is that the right people will love me, for me. I don’t need to cast a veil on myself for the approval of others. In fact, I don’t need approval. Just like Dr. Suess says “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”.
I’m not saying that I have to be any specific way because of anyone else. I do it all to myself and honestly, in the end it probably makes me much less desirable. I have no problem being me and loving me and expressing myself when there is nothing to lose (in the beginning), but the minute I actually care if someone is in my life or not, I shrink. The vulnerability, and possibility of being hurt, not accepted, or completely rejected makes me dim my inner light.
Awareness. It is all about awareness. With this knowledge I can begin to notice it as it is happening and cut it off at the pass. I don’t want to shrink so that someone stays in my life. I need to be me, unadulterated, me....all the time. Because the truth is, you can’t hide from the truth. Everyone’s true nature comes out sooner or later. Actually, when I think about it, I have many amazing friends who have been in my life for a very long time, I have men that have loved and still love me to this day...all for me being the pure, unadulterated, crazy, ME. If that isn't motivation enough to love myself, shine my truth, and dance in the glory of my essence, then I don't know what is!
The question is, am I bold enough to reveal this truth to anyone who reads it? Am I ready to be so vulnerable, so open to the judgement of others, so exposed? Am I ready to let everyone know the inner workings of my insecurities? I think the answer is yes, because I want people in my life who want me, the good, the bad, the ugly. I say that now, but the minute I hit “publish” I will panic. It is the inquiry, the dance, the truth.
My name is Tiffany, and I am willing to bet that I am not the only one who struggles with such things.