OOOHHH life, the adventures never stop do they?
First up, I want to tell you all something that my loverly mother said to me yesterday that has stuck with me. So my parental units read this site, obvi, and my mom called me yesterday morning just checking in on how I was doing as she was concerned with my tone in my latest post regarding Romeo.
I explained to her that I was fine, but that I was ridiculously angry over the whole situation. I went from being shocked, to excited, to UNBELIEVABLY angry (my use of the F word increases in my writing when I'm mad, btw). I'm pissed it has been almost a month now and I'm not any better than I was before, except psychologically I haven't been able to take a breath without thinking about him. Romeo coming back into my life will ABSOLUTELY change my views on dating, and will make me re-write the ENTIRE chapter on love in my first book .... total fucking bullshit for a duderino to do this to someone who documents dating and relationships for a living, but this is my constant and this is my reality.
I sent out a call to the universe that I was ready for a relationship, and of course, as always, he has answered.
I expressed all of my fears to my mom, and was literally holding back tears the entire time. My mom knows that I'm not exactly the most "loving" person, I'm very much a shut up - and just get the job done kinda chica, and for me to even tear up at the THOUGHT of Romeo was actually a pretty big deal.
My mom then says, Jen, you have to understand when it came to me and your father, I was the one that said I love you first. That was a really big deal - I took an incredibly big risk.
Risk, I thought? But you guys were in grade school when you met!!! My dad always told me that he knew my mom was "the one" at age 12 when he saw her in her red sweater with the D embroidered on it. Yes, she said, he did know faster than I did at our long term trajectory, but I was the one who put myself out there first by telling him how much I loved him.
I never knew my parents risked anything when it came to their love. I just assumed because it was so story book that Walt Disney literally had a pen and paper in hand when it came to dictating their journey.
It was a risk, Jen, and you above everyone else in this world know what it is like to take a risk.
My mom has never been able to give me dating advice since she's never dated ... but this was the first time that my mom actually said something to me regarding Romeo and regarding dating that truly struck a chord.
You just have to let go, she said. If it is meant to be, you just have to let it be. You can't analyze it, you can't dissect it - you just have to let it go Jen.
What?!?!?! I thought. Let things go to ... "chance???" Do you not understand the amount of social engineering that goes into "chance???" I do not ever ever ever just "let" things happen - I GO AND FUCKING GET THEM. There is ALWAYS an organic component to things, but I am EXTREMELY driven and the more that I know I focus on the end goal, and the more that I know that I focus on myself and the PURE nature of my intent and the PURE heart that I give to a executing a goal - the universe will always always always connect the dots for me.
I've done this time and again in business, but never ever when it comes to dating. I've always studied people, and analyzed their personalities to see what their constants are.
I can tell you right now by studying Romeo he's not in the happiest place right now, but there's nothing I can do about that. When we kicked it a few weeks back when I was showing him the Chevy Volt I saw in his eyes how much he still loved me. It was that same look he gave me when we were in San Fran, only this time - I could tell his love for me scared him. He didn't kiss me at the end of the night, we instead just held each other in one of the best hugs I've ever had from someone.
I scare the shit out of Romeo, and he scares the shit out of me. We've never even formally dated but I've loved him for 8 years and he's loved me for almost 4.
Our love is so unconditional he once called me his sister, and I almost slapped him since we BOTH have siblings of the opposite sex and we've both never wanted to sleep with them.
I explained to my mom that I know this isn't the best timing for him, but he's LITERALLY impairing my work, and if I don't make this or shake this, I am going to go fucking nuts.
This entire experience though is also directly in line with my work the Modern Day Shaman, who is currently working with me on speaking my own personal truth. This is my truth right now with Romeo - I love him so so so much, but now I need to tell him. (I've never actually uttered the words "I love you" to him before IRL. He's read it in my writing, and in our emails back and forth over the years they always end with "love ya" or something along those lines ... but never ... ever ... those three words.)
I then hung up the phone with my mom and paced around the apartment. Could it really be this easy, I thought? I just have to let all of this go and tell him it's put up or shut up time?? Romeo always has required a gentle "push" for lack of a better word. My problem is is that I don't believe in "pushing" people. Again, I'm the chickadee with no attachments, so trying to push or change people is hella lame IMHO. You just have to keep doing your self work and then watch the people around you change. The problem with that though is that when I DID change, he still came back.
Romeo and I clearly have a lot of work to do, but tomorrow afternoon I am going to text him asking to kick it, and hopefully schedule permitting, we can have our chat and see where it all goes. If he wants to make a go of things - great! wonderful! I will prolly hysterically cry tears of joy on his shoulder. If he doesn't - that part I'm not prepared for. I'll be devastated, obviously, but as with every other time in my life that I have suffered a loss of something, I know it too shall pass and I will still be grateful for him being in my life, but will respectfully ask him not to contact me again since clearly we are never going to be able to make a go of things and our energy together just can't be denied.
If Romeo at age 32 STILL doesn't see that we have something, I very honestly can't make him. I'm 27, I am on a path of wanting more from my life, and I am 100000% ready to go and get it. If it's him, great! What an AMAZING story this all told ... if not, GREAT! I still learned so much from one of my best friends for the last 8 years.
We'll see, it's just so hard for me to let go, and so hard for me to not break a situation down and figure out how I can get the "best" possible return on my energetic investment.
THENNNN, yesterday afternoon I got a text from the National Geographic locked up in a prison in Pakistan for 3 years duderino asking me to dinner. See, I asked him out on twitter after watching his show a few weeks back, and then we kicked it on Friday for the first time. (Read more about that here)
Super freaking great guy, so of course I said yes to a second date.
We then agree to meet up around 7, and he asked for my address so he could pick me up.
At 7 he then arrives and I hear the ROOAAAARRIIINNNNGGG of his motorcycle. I laugh thinking, well, that's quite the entrance.
I then walk outside and greet him with a big hug.
HELLOOOOO! I say with a big smile thinking this is exactly what I need at this exact moment.
Hi he says handing me a helmet indicating for me to hop on.
Where are we going for dinner, I ask?
How about the Grove, he said.
PERFECT!!! I thought, I never kick it at the Grove, so this will be good.
I then get on the back of his Harley, and I am immediately inundated with a sense of calmness. This is of course totally counterintuitive when you consider the fact that here I am in a skirt, and boots strapped with my arms around this dude's stomach and my chin resting on the upper part of his back completely exposed on the back of this bike going over 40 mph through Hollywood.
For the entire ride over though I stayed focused on the wind and on the one-ness of feeling the road, and feeling how freeing this experience was.
No Romeo, I thought. Just be, and absorb, Jen.
We then have a spectacular dinner (to which again, I can't talk about since you can't date in real time) and afterwards he asks if I wanted to go and see the Nightmare on Elm Street house. I've always wanted to go, he said, I just don't know where it is.
<tangent> This dude, btw, is the LEAST technical person I have prolly ever met. Spends less than 2 hours a day on a computer, and genuinely has no idea or comprehension on how to connect any dots in social media. I'm not mad at it, the guy is VERY smart and obviously beat the living shit out of a bunch of people while in prison in Pakistan - but we speak very different languages. It literally didn't even enter into his brain to google it. </tangent>
I then whip out my iPhone and say, I'll find it ... and bing bam boom - 2.5 seconds later I had an addy. I then plugged it into the maps app and look at that! We are really close, I say!
I then tell him how to get there, and we hop back on his bike where again I slip into a state of bliss. I didn't think about the probability of us crashing, or taking a spill. I didn't think about anything other than the fact that this dude survived something COMPLETELY horrific and lived to tell his story on one of my favorite TV shows, so if he could do that, he could DEFINITELY take care of me and I'd just have to let it all go, and be fine.
The "letting it all go" part rang through my head again. I then realized that I needed to take this physical experience and translate it emotionally to my experience with Romeo. Be like you are on the motorcycle, Friel.
Anytime I tried looking up and looking ahead, I would COMPLETELY freak out at how fast we were moving up, over, and through traffic - but the more that I just laid my cheek on the upper part of this guy's back, and wrapped my arms around his stomach - the more that I felt at peace. I don't have to see far ahead to know we were going to get to where we were going - I was instead strapped onto this guy's back, and releasing all of my fears and all of my preconceived notions of life and safety.
Just experience, and just be. Don't look ahead - feel this present moment.
This is some heavy shit, btw. I couldn't believe I was having this seemingly weird and random life experience with a dude that I asked out on twitter after I saw him on my favorite TV show, and he was now giving me EXACTLY what I needed from the universe at the EXACT time I needed it.
We then made it over to the Nightmare on Elm Street house over on Gennessee, followed by checking out the Halloween houses over on North Orange Grove (just north of Sunset).
It was pretty cool!! I had a great, great, time kicking it with the Pakistan duderino - but I genuinely can't see him again until I get this entire thing figured out with Romeo. Who knew I would get such clarity on the back of his bike though???
I'm so scared nerds. I'm so freaking scared!
Instead of trying to look outward and forward on the projection of this situation however, I am going to stick my cheek to the side and enjoy the ride. I don't know where this is going to go this week with Romeo but I know that if I hold on, and stay centered - I will be able to take anything that is given to me.
It's just all so hard ...