As you all know by now, I am in the process of becoming a dominatrix in an effort to help me find my personal truth. See, I'm EXTREMELY analytical and always always always in my head; when it comes to IRL moments of extreme emotion in any capacity - I shut down. It helps me in business because I don't let things emotionally overwhelm me allowing me to see all sides always, but COMPLETELY impedes my personal life - specifically when it comes to dating.
(Even when a guy gets romantic ... I get really really quiet and never know what to say. Good or bad - I just shut down unable to say anything. Why do you think I CONSTANTLY attract emotionally unavailable men?? What am I resonating with??)
I wasn't sure what to do with it, or where to go - but because of the OVERWHELMING demand after me tweeting out about accepting a foot slave, I decided to explore the land further and see what would come of it and see if this would allow me to have an emotional breakthrough.
I can't even talk dirty in bed, so you have to understand how UNBELIEVABLY uncomfortable even the THOUGHT of accepting something like a "foot slave" made me.
I can be a bitch in writing, but having grown up a people pleaser - doing anything mean to someone IRL was going to be a more than bit of a stretch; I was confident it was going to be impossible.
I then had my first meeting with the foot slave one (let's call him Doc), followed by a trip to an S&M shop with foot slave number two (let's call him Dopey).
Everything about both exchanges made me uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what to do, or if I was doing anything "right" so rather than flap around aimlessly freaking out, I decided to hit up an actor buddy of mine who is a "switch" (both sub and domme).
He's on a pretty popular TV show but has this EXTREMELY secret life that I got out of him one day over a bunch of drinks at Barneys.
<tangent> By publishing my life online people tell. me. everything. I think it's the general comfort they have with reading the site and reading how "exposed" I am - but either way, I'm like a priest and while I may know a lot I take it ALLLLLLL to the grave. </tangent>
I sent him a text explaining to him that I was going to be exploring this world and asked if he could show me some things.
I want to better myself as a domme, I said. Can you let me be your sub and show me? I want to literally walk the walk so I know what they're going through.
This is oh so very "method."
Sure, he replied back. Let's meet Wednesday afternoon. (This was Tuesday.)
Wednesday came about, and during the day I had a meeting with a TV producer/ life coach. (This story sounds SO LA.)
I met him a few months ago actually at a network I was pitching, and while his time there is over he was intrigued by what I was doing and wanted to grab lunch.
We sat down and I told him all of the schtuff I was up to.
He stops me ...
You have all of these walls up that you mask as vulnerability. Do you know that?
I stare back at him and realize this is the first time in almost three years that someone has actually "seen me."
This guy called me out on my bullshit before I even finished my soup.
I'm deathly scared, I admitted. That's why I do it though.
It's great, he replied. You don't have the self sabotaging qualities that a lot of other people do.
We then went back and forth and I laid all my cards on the table. I can't remember a time I've ever felt so raw and exposed.
We then talked shop and scheduled another time to meet next week.
As we paid and got up from the table I thanked him.
On a very personal level, I said, thank you for this and thank you for today. I needed to hear what you told me and while I may go home and cry for 5 minutes ... I really really needed this.
He then hugged me and said he'd see me next week.
I headed back to my house and drew myself a bath as I thought about everything.
This guy obviously believes in me, and I believe in this brand - but do I believe in myself? Who is Jen Friel outside of TNTML? Do I even know anymore? Did I ever know?
My phone then beeps indicating a text message.
I get out of the bath and answer it standing by the counter dripping.
Want to come over now, replied my actor buddy?
AHHH FUCCKKK, I thought. I can't be dominated today!! Not after a meeting like that.
I ignored the text ... for two hours.
By 5:30 I couldn't write, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything. I was in this state of contemplation questioning vulnerability and everything I thought I was representing both to myself and to the world emotionally.
There is a reason this is happening today, I just need to go with it, I thought.
I might not have expected the meeting to go to that emotional level, but as happy as I was I now had to PHYSICALLY let go and be vulnerable.
I texted my buddy back as I said I'd be there in about 45.
I started walking to his house (which is in a mansion above Sunset), stopping off at Trader Joes along the way.
Wine, I said ... if I am going to do this ... I need wine.
I then walked up the massive hill up to his house and texted him that I was here.
As I stared out at the city view I wondered if this was going to begin immediately and if he was going to answer the door in a hood and chaps.
Breathe Friel ... breathe ... you can do this ...
I hear the door open as I take off my headphones.
I see my friend standing in plain clothes.
WHEWWW! I thought as he hugged me and told me it was good to see me.
I walked into the mansion ... the house was SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!!!
He guides me back into the bedroom as he closes the door.
I sit down on the bed ... nervously.
My friend then goes and opens the bottle of wine grabbing two glasses from the kitchen.
How have you been, he said?
Are we doing this, I thought? We're going to be besties and catch up before going "into things." I was fine with anything, but a big part of me just wanted all of this to be over with so I could have at least SOMEWHAT of an understanding of what I was getting myself into.
He then poured me a glass of wine as we sat and talked about what was going on in our lives.
After the second glass in about 20 minutes, he got down to business.
What do you like?
I don't know, I replied. I haven't even talked dirty in bed before!! People think I lead this CRAZY sexual life, and I do to a certain degree - but only because I explore the culture, not participate. (Outside of threesomes of course because those are just ... awesome.)
I've never been tied up, I've never tied someone up ... I've seen people get whipped, I've seen orgies ... but it was all so animalistic and more for professional exploration to understand what people are like at their true core.
Alrite, we can try a bunch of different things, he said - but I'll mostly go easy on you.
He then took out a collar and instructed me to get on my knees as he placed a pillow on the hardwood floor.
Kiss the collar, he instructed.
I stared him in the eyes as I lowered my lips to the leather.
He then placed the collar on me explaining that there were only two rules:
1) You do everything I tell you to do.
2) You answer every sentence with Master.
Yes, master, I replied.
The words escaped my mouth and I genuinely started chuckling on the inside.
"Master" - oh hell to the fuck no. My distaste for the word made me realize that maybe I was more domme than I thought.
Bow, he said.
I lowered my head saying, yes master.
MORE - he shouted. Get down lower.
I then touched my head to the floor in yoga's child pose.
He stepped on my hands saying, good slave.
He then ran his hands down my black lace dress grabbing my ass and spanking it.
What a good ass you have, he replied.
Thank you, I said forgetting the master.
What are the two rules, he asked grabbing my collar.
My mind goes COMPLETELY blank.
There were two rules Friel ... TWO ... HOW DO YOU FORGET TWO RULES!!!
1) Um ...
2) Use master in every sentence, master.
First rule, do everything I tell you, he commands.
His boots then slam on the ground as he shouts - BOW!
I get back in child's pose as I hear him stomp around me wondering what was coming next.
Take off my boot, he requested as he sat down in a chair in front of me.
I take off each boot followed by each sock.
He places his foot on my face telling me that he's been on set all day and hasn't taken his shoes off.
How do they smell, he asked?
Good master, I replied.
Now, I don't have a foot fetish, but there was something extremely hot and animalistic about being in this pose, COMPLETELY vulnerable with a foot resting on my face.
I get it now, I get why some people like to be objectified - it's dissociative. You lose all identity and become this ... inanimate thing.
Lick every inch of my feet, he instructed as he placed a call to a friend of his.
I then began kissing his feet licking all up and down, in-between, and even sucking on his toes.
(All of this is an ABSOLUTE first, btw.)
He then grabs the collar and instructs me to get up and crawl over to his desk.
I do so placing my knees on the hardwood floor crawling like a dog.
Get under the desk he instructed pointing to this little bar underneath his desk that he wanted my body to fit through.
Yes master, I replied.
I then squirmed my way in and he immediately placed his feet on my face hitting my eye socket and cheekbone and my chest.
Let's see what's going on in your social media world.
He pulled up his twitter account. What should I tweet, what should I tweet he asked.
I quietly laughed thinking this is HANDS DOWN the kinkiest moment of my life and social media is STILL involved.
Bowling for Soup then came on his iTunes. I haven't heard this song in a DECADE I thought ...
He then pressed his foot down more on my eye socket as I remembered this was not the time or the place for a sing along.
Stay present, Friel. Stay present ...
He then puts his foot totally in my mouth gagging me.
Suck it, he said.
I stared up at him from under the desk as I passionately sucked his toe.
Good slave, he replied grabbing me from the collar and pulling me up from the desk.
Bow, he replied pointing to the pillow.
I quickly get into child's pose as I feel his hand on my head.
How did that feel, Friel?
I look up realizing we are done.
REALLY FREAKING GOOD, I said, but I think I'm more of a domme than sub. I get why guys can be REALLY into this, but it didn't feel that natural being in that state.
He then began taking off the collar and put it on himself.
My turn then, he said with a smile getting on his knees.
OMGOMGOMG I thought, you want me to dominate YOU now? This guy and I have been friends for a while, but the notion of actually instructing someone to do what he just did to me was ... nerve-racking.
I took another sip of wine.
Bow, I said snapping my fingers.
He got down to child's pose saying, yes mistress.
You have two rules you must obey:
1) You do anything I tell you to.
2) You end every sentence with Mistress.
Yes, mistress, he replied quickly.
I then slapped his ass with my bare hand ... hard.
Yes mistress, thank you mistress.
I then sat down in his chair as I told him to start licking my feet.
Yes mistress, thank you mistress, he replied.
He then began licking my feet (another first) and I have to say ... IT WAS REALLY HOT!! The foot has so many sensitivity levels that the back and forth motion of it combined with the tonge was EXTREMELY erotic.
My phone then beeped.
I look down, and due to the fact that I lost my droid at the bar in March - I didn't have the number saved.
I texted the person back apologizing asking who they were.
It's your sexy skype partner, the text read.
OH SHIT! I thought!! Super weird because I had literally just been thinking about the guy. (We haven't talked in almost a year.)
I then looked down at the slave licking my feet and laughed.
See this guy I am texting right here - he's fucked me ... and good. You'll never get to do that because you're too pathetic.
I then kick my foot into his mouth a little more, choking him, as he says - yes mistress.
I continue my text conversation ...
I put down the phone taking another sip of wine and instruct him to get up.
I then lay down on the bed and instruct him to give me a back massage.
Yes mistress, he replied eagerly.
I then got a 20 minute massage as I wondered why everyone didn't have slaves. This is THE GREATEST THING EVER and not at ALL sexual - it was purely animal.
Not wanting his hands to hurt too much, I stop him and instruct him to bow again.
He gets back on his knees and I tell him that we are done.
He looks up and says, want to try trampling?
Okay! I say thinking I've gone this far ... what's a bit more down the rabbit hole?
He then lays down on the bed, on his back, and tells me to brace myself against the wall.
I want you to literally walk all over my face and chest, he instructs (still wearing the collar).
Having been a dancer for most of my life, balance is one thing I've GOT, I thought.
I then placed both of my hands against the wall as I began walking on his chest placing the weight from my left foot to right.
I then slap his face with my foot.
How does that feel, slave?
Good mistress, he replied. Very very good mistress.
I cram my foot inside of his mouth as I instruct him to suck my toes.
I feel his teeth as he does so.
I take my foot out of his mouth and slap his face again.
Less teeth! I instructed.
Are you sure you haven't done this before, mistress?
I laugh as I still stay in character - nope, never. Aren't you lucky that you get to be my first.
I then continued to trample him for about 15 minutes (which is a LOT to be able to handle).
I then got down and asked him to tell me how I did.
You're a natural, he said. I would never have known this was your first time - it was such a turn on.
Thanks!!! I say giving him a big hug!!
It's going to be a turn on tomorrow too being on set and having bruises under my clothes. I'll take pictures for you, he said.
I laughed saying that you have to tell me what episode you're filming so I can watch it when it airs.
You're really sadistic, he said. You got RIGHT in there and went to town. The fact that this is your first time blew me away.
You need to make sure you tell your slaves that you're sadistic - it's important.
I laughed ... am I really that sadistic?
Oh yes, and especially if this is only your first time - it will go further.
YAY LIFE, I thought as now anytime someone jokingly calls me sadistic in conversation I can bust out with "no really I am genuinely sadistic" and see their reaction.
I really appreciate this, and I appreciate our friendship, I continued. I don't trust people so for me to be that physically vulnerable with you meant a lot to me.
He smiled as he said, let's get some dinner!
We then grabbed some dinner down on Sunset - and as the waiter took our order we both thanked him.
This really changes everything, you know that right? Even telling the waiter "thank you" brought me right back to that place.
Oh I know he said ... welcome. You are past the point of no return ... enjoy.
EDITORS NOTE: Please know that I am NOT NOT NOT getting paid to do this. This is something I am doing at my own pace, based on my own will in an attempt to document and explore my own personal truth. Should you choose this lifestyle for yourself, great! Rock on! I. am. not. competition.
I am just a nerd that is really really really curious. Kbye