<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger
Here’s a question for you:
Have you ever spotted a woman and immediately thought “Wow, she’s amazing” — and then proceeded to do absolutely nothing about it?
And maybe this was at a social event, so you see her several times over the course of the evening, bumping into her two or three times.
And nothing came of it, because you just didn’t gather up the courage to go up and speak to her?
And then you proceeded to kick yourself for the rest of the week, month– maybe even to THIS DAY, wondering what could have happened?
I know that feeling. And it totally sucks.
The regret gets even worse when I think of the women I have dated, and how every single one of those relationships started out with me gathering up my cojones enough to say ‘Hi.’
That’s where it all starts, brotherman. Fulfilling, long- term connections lasting several years, involving kissing, cuddling, coed indoor sports, mutual support, and real friendship — and it all started out with a simple howdy.
The point is that I’d prefer that you guys have the company of fine women instead of the sting of regret. At the very least, I want you to be able to take action and take the step to connect to a woman who interests you. And if it doesn’t work, fine — but at least you can go to bed that night with your mind at peace, thinking, “I did my part as a man, and I’m cool with that.”
And anyway, who are you to deprive these women of your fine company? You’re actually being quite selfish when you don’t exercise your courage and don’t approach!
So here are six tips in six minutes to vaccinate you against regret for ever and all time, world without end, hallelujah and amen:
1) Get in a good state.
Good feelings are contagious. You feel good, she’s going to feel good. Also, you’re much friendlier and open when you’re in a positive state, which makes it easy for you to approach strangers.
It’s incredibly easy to get yourself in a good state. I like to tell myself a goofy joke. Something as juvenile as ‘A man walked in to a bar. And he said “Ouch!”‘ is plenty enough to crack me up and put a smile on my face.
You can also hold a pen in between your front teeth for 60 seconds right before walking into a social situation. You think I’m joking? I kid thee not. Try it. When you do that, you’re activating your zygomaticus muscle (y’know, the one involved in smiling), which reverse feedbacks into your brain, making you feel happy.
So I don’t want to hear any lame-ass excuses like ‘But my cat barfed all over my carpet that day and my boss chewed me out too so I was in a bad mood.’
Get over it! If you don’t control your brain, who does? It’s up to you whether you’re going to be a victim or a victor.
Not only does smiling put you in a good state, but it makes you less intimidating and more approachable. A smile is the universal sign for “I come in peace.” And if you’re going to approach a woman who is physically smaller and less strong than you, a smile is the best way to put her at ease and avoid coming off as creepy stalker dude.
The auto-joke technique above is the best way to stick a silly perma-grin on your face. And on the call this Sunday, I will tell a joke that has worked 100% of the time, on hundreds of occasions. If that doesn’t crack you up on retelling, nothing will.
3) Warm up the talking muscle.
Talking is a form of exercise. Larynx, breathing muscles, tongue, lips all have to start working. Also, the whole language and speech part of your brain has to light up as you send oxygenated, glucose-rich blood there to fuel your gabfest.
To go from totally silent in your car to motormouth charm machine as soon as you step into a venue is like trying to do a 100-meter sprint with no warmup. What are you, nuts? Don’t strain your brain — WARM UP.
You can do this by talking to your friend, or bantering with the staff at the venue, or just talking to yourself in the car. Nutty perhaps, but not as nutty as expecting yourself to go from zero to 60 with the engine off.
Once the talking apparatus is warmed up, you’ll be shocked and amazed at how much easier it is to approach women and talk to them.
4) Reframe the situation.
Most guys use the excuse of “Umm uhh, I didn’t want to bother her” not to speak to a woman.
Listen up, buddy — the ones who don’t want to be ‘bothered’ stay at home and shut their doors. If she’s at a social function, it’s because she wants human interaction.
So provide it! And instead of thinking that you’re going to ‘get’ something from her (phone number, kiss, whatever), think of what you have to offer — which is your superb company. Right? Right.
And who gave you the right to deprive her of that by being a scaredy-cat staring into your drink? Go say hi. Tell her I sent you.
5) Have at least one interesting thing to say.
Cool stuff and interesting topics are all around you. “Hey, what did you think of last week’s controversial New Yorker cover?” is far more interesting than ‘what do you do’ (barf!) or ‘where are you from’ (gag!). Put in the effort of having at least one cool thing to talk about — then run with it.
6) Give without expectation.
The more you’re in giving mode, the more you will receive. And the less you expect back, the more you get back.
So go ahead and give good cheer. Take somebody out of his/her slump. Give compliments early and often. Be the source of fun and positivity, and the rest is easy — because they will flock to YOU.
Now if you implement just those 6 tips, you will experience MASSIVE gain in your ability to approach women. Just like that.
So commit to using at least one tip per day this week. Even the Lord Himself rested on the seventh day, so feel free to take a day off. Notice what works for you, notice what works even better for you, and do more of it, and report to me on your results.
The power is within you.
Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert. He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show. If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com