I get called cold, and emotionless by men, women, and even slaves. It is my humble request that this post puts all of that aside.
Breathe Friel, breathe. I've literally been struggling to breathe for hours. I forgot how gut wrenching all of this is.
Wow! Song ... need song ...
Alrite, so as you all know by now, for the last few weeks I have been completely consumed in Antonio. I've genuinely never met anyone like him. So FREAKISHLY smart, logical, gorgeous, total package across the board. Period end of sentence. (Click here to read how we met)
When I started writing about him I KNNNEEWWW this was only going to go two ways 1) I was going to get married in Vegas or 2) I was absolutely going to get my heartbroken. The painful, painful optimist that I am didn't even let the second option sink in.
He very much swept me off my feet but what I didn't share with you all was the depths of our conversation. We talked about everything. Life, love, family, loss, triumph ... OMG I can't even write right now. I literally cannot stop crying.
Alrite, so story ... get it out Friel.
On Tuesday this week, Antonio invited me to head down to see him and have dinner with him. (He spends part of his time in LA and other parts of his time scattered about the country.)
We spent the night eating super yummy food, and drinking in various places he enjoyed. It was there that something happened to me, something clicked. I felt SO comfortable with him, that I let every. single. one. of my guards down. The way he looked at me, the way he protected me, over and over he kept calling me a queen - and he ABSOLUTELY treated me like one. I knew on our second date that this was something I had never experienced before romantically, but it wasn't until this Tuesday that I finally decided that this was what I wanted and that I genuinely wanted to be with this person. I realized in that instant that yes everything was happening SUPER fast, but that I was genuinely falling in love.
Did that freak me out?
ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY!! I'm the MASTER of running from things like this!! I knew though that I needed to just allow this experience to occur without hope or agenda and I needed to speak my personal truth to him on how I felt and make sure it wasn't dependent upon anything else.
On Friday he was coming back to LA, and I decided instead of meeting him over at his place I would surprise him by picking him up at Union Station.
<tangent> Which, btw, not smart. There is no record of what track each train comes in, and you can't get cell service. So not only do you have to have an absolute eagle eye, but should you actually miss the person you are surprising you are totally screwed because you can't even call them!!! </tangent>
Fortunately, I was able to spot him, and as I saw him coming down the hallway I leapt into his arms yelling surprise! He looked up from his Blackberry completely in shock.
OMG, I did not expect to see you here, he said.
I know, but it didn't make sense for me to just go to your house.
He hugged me, kissing me on my cheek thanking me.
We then got into a cab and headed over to his place. On the way over our bodies were intertwined. Knees, hands, hearts, (cheesy I know) everything.
I laid my head back on the seat and stared into his eyes.
Every time we are apart I forget just how stunningly beautiful you are, he said. It's true. It's not just your physical beauty, there is something about you. Men must literally throw themselves at you.
I laughed as I kissed his neck.
Yes, men everywhere ... 100% ... all of the time ... I said.
I then laid my head on his shoulders and realized everything that I had been through in dating had made this very moment worth it. I was so so genuinely at peace and so so genuinely happy. For the first time in YEARS, my personal life started to make sense.
We then went to his house, and I dropped off my computer so we could go to dinner.
At dinner it was more the same. My body melted into his, and suddenly we were two people in this little cocoon. I didn't notice a single other thing happening in that restaurant (very difficult btw for someone with such bad ADD), everything I needed to see was right in front of me and my everything wanted more.
We then grabbed drinks and went back to his place where I gave him a back massage. Within moments he passed out.
I woke up the next morning and finished up the writing that I had to do for the live stage show script. (Next stage show is THIS FRIDAY at 8pm!!! Cast announcement goes up on Tuesday!!)
Somewhere lost in 7 pages of OKC emails I feel a hand on my shoulder, followed by Antonio falling to his knees.
Good morning sunshine, I said kissing his neck.
He then turned on the stereo in the house (he KNOWS I can't breathe without music) as he started the coffee maker.
Moments later he handed me my cup of coffee as he kissed me on the head telling me to keep writing.
I smiled thinking to myself, I'm going to marry this man if for no other reason every.single.morning. he will make me coffee (and if I'm still sleeping bring it to me in bed!!).
Around noon we then went to have brunch followed by a nice walk on the beach.
I don't believe in the idea of "perfection" but I DO believe that in my ideal life this afternoon would have been it.
We then went back to his house to get ready to head over to a BBQ. He had prepped me all week for this BBQ, I was going to be meeting his very close friends, and his sister. I knew what it meant by him letting me into his inner circle. All of these people are WILDLY successful, and people like that tend to be less trusting - especially of chicks with a website.
Around 4 the town car picked us up and we headed over to the party. I was surprisingly calm considering how important this meeting was going to be. I knew at the end of the day no matter what I was at least confident with myself and confident with my feelings for Antonio. I had nothing to hide with these people.
Everyone then talked and talked and talked to me - it was sensational. I didn't say exactly what I did (Antonio didn't want people to be able to read the site), but everyone in the room seemed to really like me and seemed to respect me.
Somewhere around 10 we left and headed out to a bar. I don't remember exactly how the conversation started, or why, but suddenly Antonio started crying.
I can't do this to you Jen, he said. You're in your prime and you're about to be extremely successful. For me to take you away from that would be terrible.
I stared back at him shocked.
I'm not well, Jen. I'm 46 and I'm single for a reason. I don't want to get married, I don't want kids, I don't want anything that you want.
I continue to stare at him in complete shock.
My brain then bounces around wondering if this is why we didn't have sex? Is he pushing me away because he has a very serious health issue like HIV?
I'm not well, he kept saying. I'm not well.
His text message from just two days prior then splashed across my eyes.
He doesn't want to live in a world devoid of my soul yet right now he is pushing me away?? This makes no sense??
I begin sobbing. sobbing. sobbing.
We then get into the cab and our conversation continues.
I don't understand, I kept saying. I GENUINELY don't understand.
We then walked into his house and sat down on the couch. I cowered my body into the corner vanishing almost in front of his eyes.
You're going to do many great things in life, Jen. I know this. Do you think I want this? I'm not well.
Do you have something? I then asked him.
Is this why we didn't have sex? I ask
Would you have rather me used you for sex??? he asked.
I continue sobbing thinking to myself at least if we had sex I would have been sexually fucked and not just emotionally fucked.
Please let's go to bed, he said.
At this point it was almost 4 am (we talked for a REALLY long time), and I realized taking the bus back home was not going to be safe.
He gave me the master suite as he slept in the guest room. The moment my head hit the pillow in the bed we had been sharing I realized everything was done.
I desperately tried to breathe, but all I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was sobbing so hard I was genuinely concerned the neighbors might think Antonio was killing someone, so I placed my hand over my mouth as I almost choked myself to sleep.
I woke up a few hours later to With or Without you playing from my iPhone.
I struggled to get to my feet.
I need to get out of here, I thought. (It's moments like this where a jet pack would come in handy!!)
I didn't want to leave in a dramatic fashion or sneak out the door - I instead wanted to talk to Antonio. I still needed to wrap my brain around everything.
I walked downstairs and grabbed a glass of water. I sat down at his dining room table and suddenly this house that was such a great inspiration to me writing wise felt cold, and empty.
Having heard me get up and walk downstairs, Antonio then also followed suit.
He didn't touch me, he instead just walked into the kitchen and began making coffee.
I stood up, and not able to look at him I asked only one word ...
I can't do this to you Jen. I just can't. It's not fair for you. Do you think I want this? I'm hurting here too. You saw me crying.
I still can't look at him.
He then continues justifying his reasons and I couldn't absorb a single word. Everything in my soul hurt and for the first time in my life, I genuinely understood the root meaning of "gut wrenching."
I grabbed my Macbook from his table and all of the accompanying cables.
I said nothing, just went upstairs.
I couldn't pack at that point, I could barely even breathe. The room then got very dark and I forced myself to sit down on the bed so I wouldn't pass out.
I'm so, so, dizzy.
This isn't supposed to happen, I thought. The feelings I felt for this person I had NEVER felt before in all my life. Everything clicked. I got why Romeo came back into my life and why I had to close that door on him. He asked me a few times too if there was anyone else, and I literally laughed saying that NO!! For the first time in I can't remember how long not only have I stopped dating other people, but I'm GENUINELY not hung up on a SINGLE guy!!!
I don't struggle for company, I struggle for meaning. Dating for me is extraordinarily difficult on an intellectual level. I don't say that to sound elitist, but I'm not very often stimulated mentally by a guy and for the first time, genuinely ever, I felt like I had met my match.
How could this not be it? I wondered. How could he not be the one? Everything else pointed in that direction. I just don't understand. It was love at first sight for him, and by our second date I realized I could literally spend the rest of my life with this person. I was so at peace, so calm, felt so protected. That NEEVVEERRRRR happens to me.
I stumbled getting to my feet once again, barely doing so.
I grabbed my CES backpack as I headed downstairs. I wasn't angry at Antonio, I was deeply saddned. I couldn't understand why he was pushing me away, and why he wouldn't let me love him - ESPECIALLY after meeting all of these people so close to him. I FREAKING MET HIS SISTER AND HIS NIECES AND NEPHEWS!!!!
I then walked downstairs and as I got to the door I turned around and could see him sitting at the dining room table crying.
Bye Antonio, I said as I closed the door.
I'm still so, so dizzy.