Yep. That just happened.
See, I try telling dudes that going to a gay bar is the BEST place to pick up a chick, but they don't believe me!! Look at that! The proof is in the pudding ... sometimes literally.
So, as I've been talking about all week - I'm not happy right now. I don't know what happened, or why, but after finally hitting a goal I've been trying to accomplish for the last 3 years I realized how hollow success really is. I've tirelessly worked for now almost 3 years building this brand and I just kept thinking if I get THIIIISSS much further ... or if I can just accomplish THHIIISSS goal - something would happen.
I am at my core a strategist. I'm EXTREMELY driven and break everything down in my head and figure out how to accomplish goals based on efficiency and a formula. I just kept thinking in life that if I applied X amount of time with really really really hard work - it HAAAADDDD to equal out to happiness.
I was wrong.
I was very very very wrong.
I'm professionally speaking EXTREMELY fulfilled, but personally I'm somewhere between crying myself to sleep and being EXTREMELY fearful that for the first time in 27 years - I don't know what I want. What do you do when you've realized your dreams? I'm already everything I ever wanted to be ... I did it. I built a brand with my bare hands, monetized it, watched it grow, and now what?
I then realized in deep meditation that all I did was repeat the pattern of my youth. Growing up, I had no friends. Instead of focusing on the lack however, I applied myself to something I was REALLY good at (school and academics) and kicked ass and took names finishing high school at 16 with honors.
I was def social at school, but all I had were peripheral friends/ acquaintances. I had those select few peeps who sat around me in each given class that I would talk to - and then that was basically it. I was literally not invited to a single party, nor a single ... anything. I just went to school, put a smile on my face, and handed in my homework on time to get a good grade.
Now, I've also done that with this brand.
Instead of actually cultivating friendships, I would kick it with readers of the site having random adventures and then when the adventures were done - I'd peace out. I'd follow up with them obvi if I happened to be in town again, or HAPPENED to see them again ... but that was basically it.
Of course, by these people continuing to read the site they developed a deeper bond with me, but it was completely one sided as I would never call them, check in on them, nada. And they're all great, great people btw. I LOVE everyone that I've met and have been meeting. You all have taught me SO much about life and love - but now I need to do this for me.
I made a declaration this week that instead of being frustrated and confused with how I ended back up in a depression I would instead do something about it and turn inward following my bliss.
I love love love dancing. I started dancing when I was 2 and by age 4 I was choreographicing routines set to Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth in our living room every weekend.
Because I never had a desire to pursue it professionally I eventually let it squander its way out of my life. (Especially after I stopped clubbing in my early 20s.)
I have to, have to, have to go dancing this weekend, I said.
I then hit up this rad chick I kicked it with last weekend aka the total roll dog, and one of my best friends (who I've known since we were 12) and we decided to go gay bar hopping in West Hollywood.
The girls agreed to meet me at my place around 9:30 and all was bueno.
I then got home from io/LA sometime around 3 and popped on OkCupid.
Hello Jen Friel, said the IM.
I look up at the screen name.
Fuck, it's him, I said.
See, I've been cyber stalked by this guy for LITERALLY two years. He has BEGGED to go down on me and even showed up at a bar I checked in at once. (This was the day I went for the ride on the magical hippie bus.)
Instead of being afraid of this guy and all of his harassment I decided why not grab this situation by the balls and actually agree to meet him. What's the worst that is going to happen? I can throw a punch, take a punch, fire a gun, and have pulled a knife on someone before. Outside of taking bricks to my head and getting drugged, I can EXTREMELY confidently say that I'm a scrappy, scrappy bitch and a fighter.
This guy has NOTHING on me, I thought.
Fine, I say agreeing to meet him. Happy Hour at Omi Sushi. 5:30 - I'm hungry and can use a solid pregame before my night out.
We then agree to meet up and I tweet out my nervousness beforehand.
Thanks for the responses everyone ...
I got there a few minutes before him to check out the table and make sure there weren't any hidden surprises like a bomb or a stash of roofies hidden next to the sake.
Moments later, he walks in, I hug as I greet him.
Nice to finally meet you, I say.
Thanks! He says sitting down.
We then stare at each other.
Jen Friel, he says.
I smile keeping my composure thinking, bring it fucker. I'm not afraid of you.
He seemed a little nervous at first, so I asked him a series of "getting to know you" questions.
What do you do for work?
I'm a background actor, he admits.
Yeah, I've gotten to work on this show, that show, I was just on this lot yesterday actually getting to meet these people. I'm only one more voucher away from being in the union.
He then continues to talk ...
Have you ever had the Ultimate Meal?
What's that, I asked?
It's when you go to each fast food place and order one of their specialty items and then combine them all in one sitting.
You know, you take like an in and out burger with Arby's fries, and a Wendy's frosty ...
I stare back at him, and realize he's actually being SUPER serious.
No, I admit. I haven't done something like that, but sounds like fun.
I then try to dig deeper.
What's your passion though? What do you want to do with your life?
Sports. I wouldn't mind doing something in sports, he confesses.
Well, that's great! I say.
Yeah, I like being a background actor now though. The actors you get to work with .... wow.
He then continues telling me all about his brother, who is in jail, and the fact that he doesn't date much.
I've had girlfriends, I've been in relationships - but I never actually date.
I stare back at him knowing what he means.
Why do you keep changing your profile name on OKC, I ask?
Because it stops working.
What do you mean OKCupid stops working?
I'll go to login and it won't let me.
That's because you've been suspended, I said.
Having seen first hand the messages this guy sends I KNEW that was what happened.
It locks you out for a week or so, but then will automatically reinstate you. (Click here to read more about it)
Oh, he says.
I continue to stare at my stalker. This guy and I are matched 94% on the OKC algorithm. NINETY FOUR PERCENT. There HASSSS to be more to this guy that I'm just not seeing.
I kept pulling and pulling and pulling throughout the entire dinner but was left with nothing.
Should we get the check, he said?
Yes, I said stone cold. (I wasn't going to give this guy ANYYYYY ideas about me wanting to pursue something with him.)
We then wait for the check .... for over 15 minutes.
The waiter must have not heard me, he says remaining seated.
Normally in situations like this, I grow the pair of balls that it takes to just walk up there, but I was curious how this guy was going to react.
5 more minutes go by ...
Wow, this is awkward, he said.
Really? I thought. I'm actually enjoying myself, I say with a slight sneer watching his every move.
The waiter then comes over, and he signals him. Can we please get the check?
Yes, he says.
Seconds later, he comes back with the bill.
My stalker puts down a $20. The bill is $31.
Here, I say handing him my card.
He then waits to get the attention of the waiter again. Realizing that this could take another half hour, and time is money, I snap the bill from his hand and walk up to the counter.
Get. Shit. Done.
I then pay, and head back to the table.
Thank you so much for dinner, I say as we embrace.
Hey, if you ever have projects or anything will you please consider casting me in them?
I stare back at him and without a filter say, are you really pitching me right now?
Well no, I mean ... if something comes up ...
I then walk down the street and notice a text from my buddy Tyler who was an actor in the super, super, super successful Sundance darling Bellflower.
<tangent> I met Tyler from actually being in the movie, btw. My scene got cut but Tyler spent an entire evening spilling a drink on my dress and spitting in my face. True story. It took over 20 takes to get it right. </tangent>
Instead of texting him back, as is against my "need to cultivate stronger friendship" rules, I immediately call him.
Where you be at, yo! I say hearing tremendous noise in the background.
I'm over at the Hudson, he admits.
Dude, I'm LITERALLY across the street from there right now, I say waving.
He looks up and sees me.
I then cross the street as we embrace.
Whatcha been up to? He asked.
I actually just had dinner with a stalker.
How'd that go, he asked?
He pitched me. I've been so creeped out by this guy for literally two years now, and all he did was pitch me.
What does he do, he asked?
For a living? He's a background actor.
Ah, well that makes sense.
We then sat and discussed the creative process, consciousness, the monetization of content creation, and everything to do with life and love. We shot Bellflower in late 2007, early 2008 - so I haven't seen much of Tyler since then, and SOOO much has changed.
After spending an hour talking to him I then got a text from the roll dog asking what time everyone was getting together.
9:30 should work!!!
Zoe then rolls through with a bottle of champs and moments later I get a text from Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Can I just say how much I freaking LOVE this couple!! They're literally two of the happiest and most amazing people ever. Did I also mention that they're gorgeous?? Like seriously ... being that nice and that hot should be illegal.
Instead of texting them back though (which is against my new rule) I call them.
HIIIIIIII, I hear from Mr. Smith. God, I missed that voice and laugh. (click here to read about our last, uh, exchange)
AWWW, I say.
What are you guys getting into tonight?
Trouble, I say without skipping a beat.
Zoe (aka roll dog) then popped the champagne.
Take a picture for us at all the bars you go to.
Okay, I say downing another sip of champagne. (Those are famous last words, btw when you're drinking.)
My buddy Steph then joins us, along with one of Zoe's friends and oooofffff we went to the first gay bar!!
Bonus points for the fact that we were ALL wearing black and white.
We first stopped off at Eleven, but their dance floor was kinda meh. This entire NIGHT was about dancing so I HAAADDDD to shake it like a polaroid picture and dance. my. fucking. ass. off.
I didn't care where we did it, but 1) I heart gay bars because dudes don't approach you. and 2) I wanted to get really really really raunchy without feeling like a slut.
<tangent> I have an ass. I can't help it - I got made fun of it in school for it. It's massive and there's nothing I can do about it. It's obvi a value add for dudes that are into the badunkadunk but when I dance not only am I a booty shaker but I actually HAVE said booty to shake.
We then kick it for a bit at Here and then end up at The Abbey. Two of Zoe's friends then met us over at The Abbey.
Hi, I say totally assuming that both of them are gay.
Hello, one of them says with a little extra sparkle in his eye.
He's obvi UNBELIEVABLY commercially attractive, but that will only get you so far in life and I'm DEF at the stage where I'm seeking more.
Can I get you a drink, he asks?
Yes, I say.
We then walk over to the bar and he not only buys my drink but also Steph's (smooth move).
I'm sorry, I admit, but I really have to use the restroom.
I then excused myself heading to the restroom but on the way I get grabbed.
I. Know. You. said the guy.
JEN FRIEL!!! he says. I love what you do.
Thank you so much for reading, I say. Can I please go pee now though?
He starts laughing at my candid nature as I high five him.
When a girl's gotta go ... she's gotz to go.
I then saw a MAASSIIVVEELLLLYYY long line for the restroom. Normally I'm willing to wait and not be an asshole, but between the sake from happy hour and the champagne I was DEF feeling it and had yet to pop the seal.
I walk up to a very beautiful woman in line.
Wow, you're really pretty, I admit unfiltered.
Thanks, she said. You too.
We then start talking, and just like that - I got to the front of the line.
Was I a dick for doing that? ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY but I was being honest, this woman was STUNNING, and at the end of the day I still got shit done. BOOM!!!
I then headed back to the group and at that point everyone was ready to go.
We all piled into one of the new guy's in the groups car.
Lemme get some of this stuff out of the back seat, he says.
He then pulls this out ...
Really? Really?? CAUTION TAPE?!?! Whaaaatttt am I getting myself into???
We then head back to his place and they turn on the music channel.
AHHHHHH, you're not gay, I thought. This makes sense.
Zoe's dude then passes out in her lap as the guy that bought me a drink earlier creeps on a cuddle.
Now, even in my drunkest moments in life - I never ever do anything that I don't want to do. Alcohol only enhances things. It doesn't create them.
I.AM.NO.LONGER.HAVING.CASUAL.SEX. period end of sentence.
Was this guy gorgeous?
Was he doing well for himself?
Absofuckinglutely. He's a lawyer ... which is a MASSIVE panty dropper for me.
BUT he's not from LA and the realization that this would be nothing but a one night scandal resonated.
I then genuinely don't know how we got on the topic, but he asked something about the site and what it did and I admitted to going out on over 103 dates in 9 months, couch surfing for a year, crashing the Grammys ... blah blah blah.
There's no way you did that, he said.
I reached for my phone grabbing my twitter profile showing him my bio.
My last name is Friel I say. For-REAL.
I'm really tired, I say. I don't live far from here though, so I don't mind walking.
Sure, we can go, he said standing up.
We then leave the guy's place (I told Zoe I'd talk to her in the morning. Steph left after The Abbey.) and walk towards the street.
I stare at him.
He's gorgeous, accomplished, yet I feel nothing.
This isn't even tempting to me at this point.
I want more from my life, I thought.
He kisses me.
Damnit, he's even a good kisser, I thought making out with him like the world was ending.
Let's go, I say breaking the embrace.
We then head back to my apartment, and he is a bit surprised by what he finds.
Wow, is this you? He says staring at my target from the gun range.
Yeah, I say, and that was just my first time shooting ...
And what's this? He asks pointing to my S&M mask ...
Oh, I'm a domme, I admit sounding like a school teacher talking about the daily lesson plan.
You're a what?
I have slaves. 6 in total. And they're total pussies. It's actually a big pain to have to deal with, but I'm SUPER passionate about dominating and I'm really really good at it.
Who are you? He asks as he kisses me.
We then laid down in my bed, and for the first time in a while, I let a guy that I wasn't dating sleep in my bed.
<tangent> Normally, I make guys sleep on the couch. Even if I have to sleep there too - I have NO problem with it ... but my bed is the ONLY thing that is my sacred space. I never ever ever let guys sleep there casually. It's my space ... my thing. </tangent>
There was something very kind in his eyes, but bottom line I want more from my life. I'm not only ready for a relationship I'm actually screening every guy that I meet to see if he fits the criteria.
This guy didn't live in LA and while we were both obvi attracted to each other, this was going to be the extent of our experience for the evening.
We then woke up three hours later to a knock at the door and both of our phones blowing up.
I wake up naturally between 8 and 9 every morning, but with that much alcohol in my system and the fact that we didn't even get to my place until around 3 - I literally had no idea what was going on.
HELLOOOOO, Zoe says with a hug.
Hey, we gotta head to San Diego, said my dude's friend. We have a meeting this afternoon.
I was definitely standing at this point, and absorbing 40% of the conversation ... but the other 60% was just ... gone.
So tired. Me. Want. My. Bed.
Bye nerd blog girl, said my dude's friend.
Zoe then gave me a hug saying we'd chat soon ... annnnnnnnddd there you have it.
I was tested by the universe this weekend and I was genuinely not even tempted. Again, this guy was SUPER cute. Like SUPER SUPER SUPER cute and accomplished. This has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and my own experience right now.
These experiences are fun to write about, but it's not longer fufilling me on a personal level.
I actually have to get a life and not just broadcast it.
Excuse me, but I have some living to do ...