Wow, going to that brothel really had an effect on me. In talking to the girls, and the madam I felt like I was staring into this mirror. The girls were so open and candid, but were obviously completely guarded. I am doing the same thing with my life as they are except I have corporate sponsors instead of tricks, and I seduce with words and not sex. (not that there's anything wrong with that)
I need a change in my life.
A drastic one.
I've been "dating" now on an extremely consistent basis for 3 years and I am STILL single. All that I know about life and energy is that we are in a constant state of like finding like. I am VERY good at attracting a lot of people but my issue is all the guys that are SUPER into me I am not into. After the 103 dates in 9 months there were only 2 guys that I genuinely clicked with right off the bat. One I fell in love with, and the other I scared off. (That's a DUDE A YEAR BTW!!!! It's been 2 years since the 103 dates.)
Totally get it, but what in me is STILL attracted to that kinda guy?
Got me thinking about my lifestyle.
What am I currently doing?
- Hustling every day.
- Drinking like a fish.
- Dominating slaves.
- Eating garbage.
Another thing I learned at the brothel actually is that the tricks use sex as an escape, and I use domination. It helped me TREMENDOUSLY come into my skin, but now I am using it as a crutch. I'm saying I can only be confident in my personal life when I wear my domme shoes. WTF is that about?!?!
My confidence in business is off the charts. Period end of sentence. My personal life however is just plain disastrous.
You can't be truly "happy" or truly "successful" until both of your houses are equally balanced. My houses are so skewed right now that I'm limping. It's REDIC.
My manager has been telling me over and over that I have to be more of a lady and pay attention to the little details for the guys that he knows I want to attract.
My immediate impulse when I am in that scenario is to burp in his face (which I can do on command, btw) and call myself a classy fucking broad.
The medium is irrelevant (jewish singles mixers, or online dating) - if I'm not taking care of me, the rest is all just shit.
Here is my plan of action:
Objective: Cleanse soul for 30 days with a personal love, and self awareness project.
1) No dating for 30 days. (Project ends on Valentines Day. Obvi this includes all online dating. Accounts will not be activated.)
2) No swearing. (I curse like a fucking sailor. It's bad, really bad. I am going to change that and if I do catch myself swearing I will be fined $5 for each offense and at the end donate money to a local charity.)
3) I must get up every morning and put on makeup. (Working from home means I can wear whatever I want and look however I want. If I am going to love myself and take care of myself I have to look presentable even if it is only FOR myself.)
4) Get contacts. (I've been wearing glasses for the last year because I've been too lazy and cheap to go to my doctor to get a new contact lense prescription. I am going to change that since I genuinely like wearing contacts sometimes too.)
5) Get my car back. No more city bus. (Hardcore bitches and broads take the city bus. Ladies and queens drive their own vehicle. I have the money to get it back now, but again, I'm just too damn cheap to pay it. I am going to change that.)
6) No slaves. (No more domination until I stop using it as escapism.)
7) No drinking. (This one is going to be hard since everything that I do is so social and drinking is a huge part of it. By not drinking though, it's going to help me clear my head and get to a sounder mind. Obvi, too, I'm not going to let it effect my business, so I will at most have a clause allowing a single glass of whatever but again strictly for professional purposes. ex: a fancy pant happy hour meeting, or when I speak at this conference in Vegas in a few weeks. No DOUBT they are going to want to kick it and toast to a job well done. I'll figure that part out.)
8) Healthy eating. (I am not going to call it a "diet" but I am going to be WAY more conscious of the foods that I am eating and I am going to expand my culinary skills as much as possible by cooking at home.)
9) Visit the gym everyday. (I love spinning and I genuinely need to fill up my time schedule since the social side of things is going to be so closed off. Adding to my exercise habit is going to help me sleep better too and give me a solid routine.)
10) I must keep my room clean. (Growing up we had a housekeeper so my cleaning as an adult is lacking. I LOVE LOVE LOVE having a clean room but getting me to carve time out of my day to do it is like pulling teeth. Clean house, clean mind. My room must be clean, and my roommate will police it and call me out on twitter if I am not doing it.)
10) Must do 15 girly things.
a) maintain manicure
b) maintain eyebrows
c) bikini wax (never done that one before)
d) go shoe shopping for myself and pay for my own shoes (I currently only own corporate sponsored shoes or domme shoes that my slaves bought me. I need to buy a pair for myself.)
e) girly slumber party
f) buy myself a new outfit for the purpose of impressing myself
g) buy a piece of art that inspires me
h) take a pottery class
i) cook dinner for friends
j) visit the lacma
k) host a chick flick marathon
l) go shopping with girlfriends and try on super girly clothing. The frillier the better.
m) take a bubble bath
n) visit a spa and pay for visit myself
o) purchase perfume
p) get a new tattoo (all big life changes require a tattoo)
q) meet someone that inspires me
r) make a new girlfriend
Those are just some examples. I'm not married to any of them, so if you guys have anything you want to add in I'm totally game to hear it.
I'm going to now Miyagi the shit out of my life and focus on self in the hopes of that changing my energy and the kind of people I am attracting into my life. In Buddhism they teach you that peace comes from within, and you cannot seek it. I am "seeking" a partner when I am really looking to fix something within myself. I don't know what that "lack" is yet, but I know by kicking my own ass I will definitely find ... something.
Who knows if this is going to work, but my word is my honor and I will not consider anything "done" unless there is photographic evidence.
Time to be less of a classy broad and more of a fucking lady. (Better get that money ready. I swear so fucking much!!) Starting .... now .... 30 days. HERE I GO!!!!
Oh yeah and ...