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<editorsnote> Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world.  We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!! </editorsnote>



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#Fact: I don't listen to the words that come out of a woman's mouth

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

You may find this a harsh statement at first, but hear me out before you make any judgments. As of lately I have found my communication with women excelling by NOT listening to what they have to say.
Sure you may need to listen to her words if there is data being transferred but most of the time you speak to a woman, she is speaking from emotion–I think we can all agree on that–so I have been playing around with some ideas and seeing great results.  I once read somewhere that, “A woman will tell you everything you need to do to sleep with her if she’s attracted to you, and all you have to do is listen”. I truly believe this, so you’d better hone your listening skills.

As men I think we only hear a lot of what we want to hear… and though it does have its advantages (especially in dealing with congruence tests) we need to find better ways to hear the other hints we need!

Listening can be done 2 ways and I suggest you start doing it with your eyes as well as your ears. We all speak through our body language and we read this through our subconscious very quickly but let our conscious brain get in the way and over think everything. We need to stop that process and begin a new one.

Try this:

  1. When anyone speaks watch how they are saying it
  2. Watch their eye movement (up is visual, down is emotional, your left is memory and your right is creative) where did that sentence come from?
  3. How is their body language (slouching, confident, nervous) what are their hands doing? How much positive body language are you receiving?

Go from there with your retort and continue the conversation from there!  There are many ways to do this–these are only a few. The better you are at reading the subtext the better your communication with other people will be. You will also be able to read peoples insecurities and fears before they realize what they are. This is highly important in rapport and one of my favorite acquired super powers.

I know that this can be a little strange at first, so try not to put too much effort into it as it can take you out of the moment. Have some fun with it and you will naturally start speaking from an emotional side.

You’ll respond to what you have heard with eyes and ears which will make you more attractive to a woman for being in touch emotionally. All you are really doing is responding to how she is speaking to you, which in turn will build a better connection. It’s just something to give some thought to in your next interaction. Please remember not to put too much into this, but when you see overt signs do not ignore them!


Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

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