#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @redheadintexas

When I saw Chris Brown on the Grammy's Sunday night, I became very angry. Here was a man who is known publicly to have abused someone he claimed to love, being celebrated by a community of individuals who have a huge platform for bringing awareness and visibility to domestic violence and abuse. I am disgusted by this person-- not just because of the abuse, but because not once has he shown any true humility or repentance for his actions-- no contrition whatsoever. Not only do I wholly doubt the sincerity of his apology (mostly, due to his subsequent actions at the studios of Good Morning America when he cause property damage and lashed out at several people during his so-called "meltdown"), I believe he actually thinks he has been treated unfairly by those few in the media and the public who continue to call attention to the fact that he has yet to fully shoulder the consequences of his actions, nor has he made an honest effort at rehabilitating his obvious anger issues. 

And people wonder why so many abuse victims remain silent.

Last week, I shared with you the beginning of an abusive relationship I was in during my early twenties. Part I of this story can be found here. As I mentioned before, my paper-thin self esteem and the rock-bottom price at which I valued myself led me into the downward spiral of an abusive relationship. Like many abusive relationships, the abuse wasn't a constant. In fact, when things were good, I was almost able to completely forget that things had ever taken a dark turn. It wasn't as though he was controlling; he never attempted to dictate my life. None of the abuse that happened ever seemed calculated. It all happened in the heat of the moment. He didn't chip away at my ego with demeaning or belittling commentary. He was a classic case of someone with deeply repressed anger, who lashed out whenever he felt vulnerable. Even though what I experienced seems mild in comparison to some, I now know that no level of abuse is acceptable. Period.

After the first incident, I took a huge step back from my relationship with Luke. I ignored his attempts at contact and tried to forget he existed. But, eventually, I allowed him to worm his way back in.

It started with phone calls, and eventually, I agreed to meet him out at a club one night, while he was playing at a weekly event. Over the course of the evening, I allowed his charm and his flirting to bring down my guard, and we ended up having a really great time. After a few weeks, that awful night was tucked away, in the very back of my mind. We didn't talk about it, he didn't bring it up and neither did I. We spent time together doing normal things couples do. We went to the movies, the museum, art galleries, bars, clubs, etc. We spent time hanging out at his place, listening to music and watching Seinfeld on DVD. Things were good. Very good.

By the time Valentine's Day came along, we had been dating, seriously, for at least three months. At that time, I was working at a popular steakhouse, so as anyone who has ever eaten Valentine's dinner at a steakhouse can imagine, I was in for a long night as a hostess. Due to that fact, Luke and I had planned to hang out during the day and have a "romantic" lunch, but I distinctly remember feeling like he wasn't putting much effort into the "romance" part. I don't exactly remember how we got into it, but we ended up having a bit of a spat towards the end of our meal. I think he might have shared some kind of catty comment his mom had made about me, which got my heckles up even more, after I mentioned that I wished we'd done something a little more special-- not only because it was Valentine's Day, but because he was leaving the country that night to go on a family vacation-- meaning we wouldn't be seeing each other for at least a week (it may have been closer to two).

He was driving me home so I could get ready for work when things started to really get heated. By the time we pulled into my driveway, we were arguing in earnest. I said something that pushed him to the edge and he reached across the car and slapped me. I was shocked-- again-- it seemed to come from nowhere. One minute we're arguing like a normal couple, the next minute, he's in a rage. I jumped out of the car as fast as I could and I slammed the car door, screaming at him to never call me or come near me again. I'm sure I launched a few obscenities at him as well, and as I marched up to the entry of my house and opened the storm door, all I remember is the sensation of being yanked backwards, my feet leaving the ground. I landed in the flower bed, my hand breaking my fall on the stone bricks that lined them. My hand was bleeding and I was sobbing. 

Again, the mood suddenly changed. He started babbling how he was just trying to stop me, he didn't want me to leave angry… he was only trying to make me stop and listen. Again, this was a huge red flag. Again, I should have run from him and never looked back. I got up, without his help, and told him to go fuck himself. I slammed the door in his face and went inside to get ready for work. I was already running late because of our fight, so I threw my uniform on and sped to work. I had to bandage my hand up and I was cradling an icepack in my hand on the way into work. When I got there, the bartender on shift at the time was also a mutual friend of ours. He was the guy who had actually helped me get the job at that restaurant. When I saw him, he could tell something was up with me. He asked me what happened to my hand and I just lost it. Tears welled up in my eyes and I told him I couldn't talk about it. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to tell him what had happened, but felt a sudden sense of overwhelming guilt-- what a ridiculous thought! Here I was, battered and bruised, having been thrown across my lawn by someone who was supposed to care about me, and I was the one feeling bad about possibly spilling the beans and letting his friend in on what a jerk he was! 

Insanity. I don't understand it. Looking back, I have no idea who that girl is… it's as if she is a stranger to the person I am now. I actually played it down and acted like I tripped and fell while storming off after an argument. I lied. To protect him. 

How sick is that???

That night, after hours of seating and cleaning up after countless couples out enjoying each other for Valentine's Day, I clocked out and walked out to my truck. I pulled my cell phone out of the glove compartment and saw that I had several missed calls from him and a voicemail. Note: remembering this in particular really makes me uncomfortable with how much I allowed myself to be manipulated by this creature. In his message, his voice took on this quality of someone speaking as though they're afraid what they're about to say will hurt someone. He said he was calling from the airport, while waiting at the gate. He went on to say he would miss me and would call me from his destination, that he hoped I was okay and that my night went well. Then, after a long pause, he said he hoped he would see me when he got home, and ended the message by saying "I love you."

Yep. My boyfriend, who had thrown me around my yard just a few hours earlier, was telling me he loved me for the first time, via voice mail. If that's not the behavior of someone who has no sense of how love should be communicated, then I don't know what is. Looking back, I can see it so clearly. So sharp and icy slick-- the slippery slope of delusion. How easy it was for me to believe that somehow, all the wrong actions could be made right with words. I still struggle with that. I find that I put a lot of unearned value in words, when actions worth far more. 

And with each incident, my inability to speak up-- to friends, family, anyone-- continued. As the number of times he would lash out at me increased, so would the shame I felt in remaining silent. Things would only get worse.

#nerdsunite

Want more from Layne? Click here to follow her on the twitter!

[Author's note: If you or someone you know is dealing with an abusive relationship, please reach out for help. It doesn't have to be a life or death situation, as any level of abuse, emotional or physical, is too much. No one deserves it, and no one should stand for it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a confidential, non-profit organization that can help anyone willing to ask for it. Get help.http://www.thehotline.org/] 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @DatingCoachB

I love dating-coaching and helping clients. One of the reasons I do this fairly well is that I've lived all three stages of the dating cycle.

All through high school and the first few years of college I was frustrated and lonely, which added up to horny, leading me to my second stage.

For most of my twenties I was obsessed with meeting, dating and bedding women. I still did it with respect and a minimum of manipulation, mind you (is it manipulative to whisper a sexy Spanish love poem in a woman's ear?) but the fact is I was a player. Casual sex was the thing. Until I ended up trying to date 8 women with only 7 nights in the week and I realized I'd gone WAY TOO FAR. Which brings us to stage three.

After I turned thirty I settled down. It became less about chasing casual sex, and more about a real, quality relationship with like, you know, emotions and stuff. You could say I was finally maturing!

So when I work with a male client, I really empathize with whichever stage they are at, from frustrated through sowing his wild oats, to settling down with a girl he deserves.

It seems like a big problem in the dating world for women and men is trying to date someone who is at a different stage than you are.

My female clients also hit a stage where quality of relationship becomes more important than attraction and chemistry. They give up the fascinating bad boys, and the radical Che Guevara t-shirt wearers and look for a grown-man with whom they can create a meaningful, committed relationship. It still has to have passion, of course, but the chemsitry becomes less about teenage self expression (when you sleep with guys out of defiance, danger, or fascination) and more about emotional-based chemistry.

We all need to honor our three stages, and accept others for where they are at. It all starts with knowing which stage your at, and understanding why. Then deciding whether to date someone else at the same stage, or move on to the next stage if this one is no longer serving you.

So, what stage are you at, and why is it where you need to be?

The answers you discover could be very revealing.

Happy Dating!

#nerdsunite

Twitter: @DatingCoachB
Website: www.GetTheGirlYouDeserve.com
(Ladies' Website, www.GetTheGuyYouDeserve.com Coming Soon!)

The DA did not prepare me, nor did this even ENTER IN MY FRAME OF CONSCIOUSNESS AS A POTENTIAL POSSIBILITY!!! 

Even my own father who is a corporate lawyer told me not to go to this hearing because it made no sense ... they were only going to read him his rights, and what he was charged with - total waste of energy. 

I knew in my gut for whatever reason I needed to be there. I can't describe it, but above anything I have ever known in life ... I know to. trust. my. gut. 

Period. end. of. sentence. I was going to be there. 

Hold on ... I need a song to go with this post. I kid you not, yesterday was one of the. worst. days. of. my. life. No dramatics, no thing - but 10 years ago when I was stalked - I even said in the post, I would not wish testifying against ANYONE on my worst enemy. It is a HORRID process where you are re-victimized all. over. again. 

Holy shit, I can't stop tearing up. They even questioned the presence of staples being in my head ... 

WHO DOES THAT TO SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS!!! 

So, the court is super good at letting you know after you've been assaulted or victimized in some capacity about all of the hearings and court dates. I got a letter in the mail, a call the week before, and even a call the night before. They find every way to get a-hold of you and make sure you know something is going down.

The district attorney hadn't subpoenaed me to be there, but because it was a preliminary hearing - I wanted to go. 

Also, for my own psyche, I needed to see the guy who assaulted me. Not to give him any power, or to add any dramatics ... but for me. Just for me. I needed to look that man in the eye. 

I woke up yesterday morning perky as could be. I had planned on making a YouTube video of the experience talking about my anxiety going into the hearing, and what happened after. 

I laid out all of the shots that I wanted, made sure my flip was charged - and put up this post indicating my plans. 

I've been through the legal system before (after being stalked as a teen), so I knew I obviously couldn't film in the court room (I'd be lucky if I could even tweet), and while I couldn't say ANYTHING about what was going on regarding the case, I could at least post random observations. 

Like ... 

I won't stop my job as a lifecaster posting random observations - but I was INCREDIBLY careful to not reveal anything about the case potentially jeopardizing anything. 

I got to the courthouse around 8:15. I knew I'd have to go through metal detectors and fortunately, I got there early enough that I beat the rush.

SWEET! 

I then found the department where my case was said to be heard in. 

Again, they're really good at notifying you of the date, but actually what floor you need to be on and in what department. These details sound minor, but when you're going through something like this to begin with, you're emotionally ... a bit gone. 

I sat and waited outside the court room for the door to open and for the cases to be heard. 

There were about 20 people peppered about. Staring at one man on crutches and another in a wheelchair, it struck me how lucky I was that I wasn't paralyzed in the attack. 

Stay strong, Friel - stay strong. 

At around 9 (a half hour later than schedule), the court room door opened and I stepped inside. 

I immediately went to the front row (as most nerds do), but then quickly realized the first few pews were reserved for police officers. 

Jimminey snickers I lamented. Fine fine, I'll sit in the first row reserved for people like me. 

I then sat down and it struck me just how SMALL the court room was. 

In Connecticut, on both the criminal and civil side - the court rooms were friggen HUGE!! Seriously, they looked like the ones in the movies, and this one looked like their illegitimate step child. 

Super small, only about 5 pews and the chairs where the accused and lawyers sit in were no more than 20 feet in front of me. 

Wait, he's going to be THAT close??

Oh no ... oh no ... oh no ... I thought. 

Then, one of the clerks approached me. 

Name please? 

Jennifer Friel - I'm here for the XXXXXXXX case. 

Great, she said. Witness checked in. 

I then received a call that I didn't recognize. I let it go to voicemail, and made sure to turn my ringer on vibrate. 

My message indicator lit up so I then stepped outside to retrieve the voicemail.

Hi Jen! This is XXXXX from the victim's advocate office. I hear you were planning on coming to court today and needed someone to sit with you - we hadn't connected but I wanted to reach out. 

<tangent> I went to court by myself. I didn't want to be dramatic and ask someone to come with me - again, I needed to do this for me, and only me. By planning on also making a video however, it helped me psychologically disassociate with the pain long enough to at least get through it all. </tangent> 

I went back inside opting not to call her back. 

It's fine, I thought. I'm already here ... whatever. 

The first few cases were called - I sat in a haze. I wondered what door he was going to come out from. Would he be in shackles? What if he lunges at me, or tries to hurt me when we see each other again? Will he shout things at me? 

My mind raced - but emotionally I was incapable of keeping up. 

I sat there with my eyes glazed over. 

Moments later I feel a tap on my back. 

Are you Jennifer?

Yes, I say looking up. 

HI!!!! I'm XXXXX with the victim's advocate office. I had a feeling you'd be here! 

Well look at that, I thought - she actually showed up! 

I was a bit, meh, at her arrival. I did in fact have a few questions for her, but I genuinely didn't think I needed her. I can hold my own hand spank you very much! 

Where is he going to come out from, I asked. 

Oh, over there she said pointing to a door in the back. He's in custody, so he will come out in handcuffs, and chains. 

That's so wonderful, I said taking a deep breath. 

She then explained to me various programs I can take part in to help alleviate any of the psychological pain of "wondering" about the case. There is one program in particular where I can sign up for, and they will message me if he gets released, has a court date, or even escapes from jail. 

To have the peace of mind in knowing that "no news is good news" is great. Having to proactively search a lot of things online I could imagine would get annoying, and hiccup too much of my healing over this entire thing. 

I took the pamphlet and then continued listening to the court cases. 

A few more minutes go by, and around 11:00 - the victim's advocate chimes up. 

I wonder if they are going to take you before lunch? 

Lunch is at 12 - and it's an hour and a half wait. I'd hate for you to have to sit here longer and miss work.

What do you do?

I run a website, I said - so we're fine. I'm just here to absorb and process everything.

Yeah, but you've been here all morning. 

She then got up and talked to one of the clerks, and my case was suddenly brought up to the front of the line.

SWEET! 

Moments later one of the clerks calls the case. I hear the side door the victim's advocate point to open. 

I see a man in a yellow and blue prison uniform and I IMMEDIATELY start sobbing. 

Like head to toe, shaking - crying. from. my. soul. 

My brain immediately went into a flashback, and I was brought RIGHT back to the night of the 26th. 

That's him, that's him, that's him, I thought sobbing into the victim's advocates shoulder. 

She wrapped her arms around me in a soothing and loving way. 

This always happens to victims. The second they see the person, they freak. This is all totally normal, you're fine. 

I take a few deep breaths summoning up all of my inner strength and reassure myself that this fucking is GOING DOWN!!!!!!!!!!! 

The DA then looks out at me, and says we have a witness from the case here and we would like to call Jennifer Friel to the stand. 

Wait, wait, wait, I thought. You're calling me TO THE STAND!!!!!! This is a preliminary hearing I thought where he would just be read the charges. Me seeing him was supposed to be the worst part - NOW YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING TESTIFY?!?!! I HAVEN'T BEEN PREPPED!!! NOTHING!!!!!!! 

<tangent> When I took the stand in both the criminal and civil cases from when I was stalked I was prepped for WEEKS about how to handle the stand, cross examination, exactly what they were going to ask me and how I should respond. I didn't even get 5 minutes of the DA's time, nor did they even let me know this was going to go down. </tangent> 

I rise from the pew in my Berrics hoodie (which I was wearing the night he attacked me), and blowfish shoes. My skirt was slightly shorter than one I would have worn if I knew I was going to testify, but no matter what I was just going to have to own this. I did NOTHING wrong, and all I need to do is speak the truth. 

I am then sworn in, but raise my left hand instead of my right. The clerk corrects me. 

<tangent> I have partial dyslexia - especially in moments of anxiety. I reverse numbers, and my lefts become my rights. Even when giving directions - it drives people NUTTSSSS because I'll say hang a "left" while pointing "right." It's weird, it's annoying - but it's my thing. </tangent> 

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god? 

Yes - I said. 

Please be seated. 

I then stepped up to the stand. 

It was so high up, and the microphone was so ... fancy. 

As I got situated in my chair, I began staring at the attacker. 

My eye contact was INTENSE, and I would NOT look away. 

The clerk then asks me to state and my name. 

With EVERY ounce of strength in my body I said with DIRECT eye contact at the attacker - my name is 

J

E

N

N

I

F

E

R

F

R

I

E

L

Every letter escaping my mouth feeling like a bullet wounding him. 

JENNIFER FRIEL, I said. 

You piece of fucking shit. You might not have known my name before the attack - but YOU WILL KNOW IT NOW. 

I then testified, barely able to keep my composure; the judge hands me a tissue. 

I was asked about the event, I was asked about my body positioning being on the sidewalk when I regained consciousness, I was asked about the process of getting staples in my head, and in GREAT detail describing every. bit. of. that. evening. for the court. 

Even as the DA delivered her line of questioning, however, I wouldn't look away from my attacker. 

I stared at him wondering if he had a family, if he had friends, if he had anyone in this world outside of his public defender that even knew his name.

You COWARD I thought. STARE AT ME!!! LOOK AT ME WHEN I DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!!!!! 

It was interesting, I've always said the worst part about my stalking case as a teen was the fact that it was VERY personal. Two of the girls were my good friends and two were my best friends. In this moment, testifying again, in a NON-personal manner ... it still felt just as horrible. 

He took no satisfaction in anything I was describing - there was this vacancy. This guy truly had no idea who I was, and showed absolutely ZERO remorse. He was just ... there ... sitting ... looking around at everyone but me. 

I can't tell you all any details about my testimony, nor the outcome of the case. I testified for about 20 minutes, and then the victim's advocate took me outside the courtroom while she held me as I was shaking and sobbing into her shoulder.

I couldn't believe I not only saw him, but that I actually had to TESTIFY today. I thought that would be later on, and I thought that I'd be prepped in some manner first. 

It.

Was. 

Horrible.

You're so lucky he didn't kill you in the attack, she said. 

I then sobbed more realizing that after seeing the man on crutches, and the other man in a wheelchair that she was right. 

I am alive. I don't know why I'm alive after something so vicious (HE HIT ME WITH A FUCKING BRICK. I TOOK A BRICK TO MY HEAD AND FRIGGEN LIVED TO TELL THE STORY.) - but I just can't do this anymore, I thought. 

I was a random person, randomly walking down the street. A street that I knew, in my old neighborhood at SEVEN THIRTY at night on my way to a comic book shop. 

I then sat down to catch my breath since my chest was so tight I could barely get a breath in. 

I fortunately also found an outlet, so I charged my phone. 

You can't take this personal, the victim's advocate said. Have you ever read The Four Agreements? 

No, I said - but I have heard of it. 

He wouldn't even look me in the eye, I cried.

I know, she said. He didn't know you - he's a looney toon. 

She then asked if I'd be okay, and I sobbed that yes I would be, but just needed a minute to myself. 

Here, let me get you a voucher for lunch. You take your time, she said, I'll be right back. 

The officers who responded to the scene, who had also testified in the case, then approached me. 

The victim's rarely show up unless they're subpoenaed. You should be really proud of yourself, that took a lot of strength. 

Strength? I thought staring up at him with my mascara stained cheeks and god only knows how runny of eye liner. 

I thanked them profusely for their testimony (which I didn't hear since I was outside the courtroom).

Not a problem, they said. It's part of our job. You take care of yourself, they said each lovingly placing an arm on my shoulder. 

I then called my parents and couldn't stop sobbing. My first call was to my dad who was SHOCKED I had to testify. He didn't even see a need for me to go to court let alone think I'd have to testify.

I am so sorry, sweetie, he said. 

It's over dad. I did it ... it's over, I said exhausted. 

The victim's advocate then returned with a lunch voucher. 

Here, she said ... I look down and see this ... 

A Mcdonalds gift card. 

Today, I had to unexpectedly testify, and all I got from it was a MCDONALDS GIFT CARD??? 

Well, spank you very much universe. 

I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. I don't say that lightly either ... but having to testify in a case where you've been victimized is literally the worst thing ever. You have to relive each and every detail, and emotionally - it puts you through the ringer. 

I can't thank you all enough though for the tweets/ comments/ texts/ and Facebook posts. I can't respond back to it, but I am fine. This was something that I got through with all of your help, and this will hopefully be the last time I will EVER have to go through something like this. 

Again though, how impressive is the human body?!?! I TOOK A BRICK TO MY HEAD and I'm still putzing around, now even staple free. 

Be grateful of everything, always, nerds. You never know when something like this can happen. I'm just glad it's over. 

#thatisall

click here to read more about the attack

click here to follow Jesus and his absence of communicable diseases on twitter! 

I literally cannot thank you all for the tweets, comments, Facebook messages ... everything re: my court case today. I was UNBELIEVABLY shocked I was called to testify, and as anyone who has ever been in one of those situations knows - you relive every detail of everything (from the exact size of the laceration in my skull to how my body was positioned on the sidewalk when I regained consciousness) ... and I am just done right now.

I can't even talk about this anymore, I'm just ... fucking spent. This was hands down one of the worst days of my life. The fact that I had to actually TESTIFY today is equated to going into the dentist thinking you're just going in for a routine cleaning and then realizing you've woken up 6 days later because they had to take your wisdom teeth out and there were complications. It was fucking INSANE!!! And even my father who's a lawyer was STUNNED that they asked me to testify. Albeit he's a corporate lawyer, not a litigator - it was still freaking weird.

On the brighter side of things, however, I did end up getting a McDonalds gift card from the victims advocate ...

ANNNDDD I hooked up the Wii that the Modern Day Shaman loaned us. I'm seeing the bright side ... I swear ... I swear ... I just don't want to talk to anyone right now - hope you can all understand. 

AND this means the post will be written sooner, so who can really be mad at that. Either way, this was a superly duperly sweet email I got last night that I had to share because it totes made me all misty eyed ... 

I tend to have a fair amount of time on my hands <insert>standard masturbation joke</insert> on Valentine's Day; no hate for the day, though Madison Avenue does its usual holiday overkill.  So I tend to explore it in my own way.  {He totally spends it eating a barrel of conversation hearts.}  Do not!  Stop it!] {And weeping!} [::summons inner Miss Piggy::  Hiii-yaaa!  *smack*]  {Ow!  Meanie!}  [Where was I, oh yes...]

Here's the results of my stream of consciousness wanderings and ponderings aka One Man's Random Thoughts:  Valentine's day Edition:

Things I have learned from Wikipedia:

Blue roses are often portrayed in literature and art as a symbol of love and prosperity to those who seek it and in contemporary culture they have come to symbolize mystery and longing to attain the impossible with some cultures go so far as to say that the holder of a blue rose will have her wishes granted.  

Considering just about everyone you knew probably thought you were nuts when you started your website, and how you've used it to not only to make a living that suits your lifestyle, but as a way to explore yourself, improve yourself, and make yourself ready for the love to come, I can't think of a more appropriate rose for Jen Friel.  (Yes, sentences that run forever are my style.) 

Have one:) 

Light Pink Roses symbolize desire, passion, joy of life, youth, and energy.

Hoping for all these things for you hence the background color! 

The Anahata chakra , or heart chakra, is associated with love and compassion, charity to others, and forms of psychic healing.  It is also associated with the ability to make decisions outside of the realm of karma.  In Anahata, one is making decisions, 'following your heart', based upon one's higher self, and not from the unfulfilled emotions and desires of lower nature.

Doing what feels right, being generous and thankful, improving yourself, and not hating on people.  It's the Jen chakra! 

This really resonated with me after reading your Saturday post.  How the gratitude for the program for paying medical bills of crime victims flowed to cueing your act of gratitude to the Russian hairdressers to revealing you had seen your attacker to a release of emotion that eased at least some of your anger and anxiety about the court date today.  That post was a real change from the rawness in your 'voice' in your Thursday post; my heart was in my throat after reading that one.  I could feel your emotions in your words on my screen.

Yes, I said today up above.  I don't know when you'll be reading this, but I'm sending it at the beginning of Valentine's day my time (around 9 pm your time).   Over the last two years+ talknerdytomelover.com has proved the epitome of the last line of the last song on the Beatles last album:  "In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." 

You've put a lot of love into your baby, and a lot of love in the people that write for it, read it, and support it.  You've created a whole community, full of energy, optimism, respect, and well wishes.  You are well ahead of the game in the love making {not lovemaking, well that too ;P ::ducks::} [Quiet you, be nice!] department.  And while you may not have that special romantic someone in your life this year, there will be a lot of love with you today.  With all your friends and family on the East Coast, heck a Talk Nerdy to Me, lover contributor in Japan!, and all your fans worldwide, your Valentine's Day has already started, even before I send this!

So today in that courtroom (and throughout this day as well) , if you feel the anger, the stress, the fear, the confusion threatening to boil over -- take a breath, close your eyes if need be, and know there's loads of love in that room with you.  No one wants you getting a contempt charge and going to jail.   :P {Depends on the jail bow-chicka-wow-wow} [Stop it!] As you like say when you talk about tweeting where you are and how much safer that makes you, you have an army of support; you may be physically alone, but never truly alone.

But then you already know all this.  Just my two cents. {Your no sense! ::runs::}  [Grrrr! ::chases::]

Tons of love for ya, Jen.  And that's just from me.  

SO. FREAKING. RAD!! 

THANK YOU GREG!! 

Oh, oh, oh ... and one more thing before I go back to my cave ... in a little over a week, I'll be IN NY!!!!!! I'm heading out there to meet with the dating review peeps. So excited!! They totally hearted your feedback! And I heart their product because it's culturally disruptive!! BAHHHH!! Everyone WINS!!!

Keep it up, nerderinos!! 

#somuchfreakinglove

PS. TRIVIA IS STILL ON FOR TONIGHT!!! (Goal Sports Cafe 9pm) Sincerest apologies for not updating sooner - but got the tweets, and yes yes yes ... still on, but please I can't talk about the case. Let's just work on keeping our winning streak for THE THIRD WEEK IN A ROW!!!! Last week we PWNED the competition, and we were down our team size by half ... ANNNNNDDDDD we won the drinking round for the first time. Way to be awesome, nerds!! KEEP.IT.UP!!! 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @HeatherReusz

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Being away from America and my boyfriend, I must admit that I totally forgot today was Valentine’s Day. I’m also 15 hours ahead of American time, central time zone at least, so I’m often on a different day than you all are. That means I didn’t get the onslaught of Facebook and Twitter well wishes until about midnight on Valentine’s night for me. I was dutifully reminded though by one of my students this morning that it was Valentine’s Day. I teach every age range from 6 months old to high school. This little boy is 5 years old. He strutted into the school this morning with his mom and as soon as he opened the door, he just shouted “Happy Valentine’s Day!” to me. Beaming with pride, he ran to class and I’m pretty sure he told me “Happy Valentine’s Day” about seven times in the 45 minutes that I had class with him. It was absolutely precious and made my day. There is nothing quite like the love a child to really make you feel what real love is.

To clarify, Valentine’s Day is celebrated here in Japan. The department stores and grocery stores were selling all kinds of wonderful looking gourmet chocolates in all sorts of flavors including some really unique Japanese ones like green tea and red bean paste which are both delicious. However, most people in Japan hand make their chocolate. By hand make I mean they pretty much just melt some chocolate, put it in molds, and decorate it but that’s still more impressive that what most people I know do in America. Most stores were only selling these molds, chocolates, and assorted gift bags. No cards are sold since it is expected that you deliver the gifts straight to your Valentine. In Japan, the roles are a bit reversed on Valentine’s Day as well. The guys are the ones who receive all the presents for Valentine’s here. Ladies spend hours making these chocolates and cakes to give to their boyfriends or crushes. The funny thing is that I would have never guessed that if no one told me. Everything is so pink and frilly things we normally would not expect guys to like. But they are flattered to receive something like this. In fact, the frillier and cuter it is the bigger the honor of receiving it since it shows that the girl clearly put a ton of effort into making the sweets. The ladies get their own special day as well though. A month after Valentine’s Day, March 14^th, Japanese folks celebrate White Day. On White Day, guys shower their ladies with expensive gifts or buy a small gift for their crush to show them their appreciation for the chocolate and sweets given to them on Valentine’s Day. I think it’s kind of a cute system and tradition.

I pretty much didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day this year. I did get a couple of homemade chocolates from my older junior high and high school students which were delicious! I also was greeted by a package from my boyfriend this morning which was a special little touch to the day. He sent me some epically nerdy and sweet gifts. Nerd love is the best kind of love after all. It was hard to be away from him today. I hate to sound like I am whining but its days like this where maintaining a long distance relationship just sucks. This is the first time in three years that I have not had him by my side. While I know it’s just a commercialized holiday, Valentine’s Day is still a blast to celebrate. You get to pause and reflect on your relationship. We enjoy each other’s company and revel in what brought us together and what makes us grow in love. I know that sounds corny and I’m not normally a really romantic person but Valentine’s Day tends to bring that out in me. We did get a chance to Skype today to open gifts which was great but it’s totally not the same. It almost makes me want to see him that much more.  I wish that I could even just be over at his place cuddling on the coach and exchanging gifts but that won’t happen for another 86 days. Sometimes I wonder why I even did this to myself…On a more positive note; he also used this day as an opportunity to let me know that he has officially booked a flight in May to come see me! Best. Present. Ever! Yay!

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Heather on Twitter!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @DrJenniferJones

Let me share a secret: on the couch, most people admit that they are not sure if they are in love. Even those who are sure they love their partner are afraid they are not "in love" with them. This uncertainty brings anxiety, guilt, or worse, rash decision making. This is somewhat the fault of Hollywood brainwashing, but people still wonder what happened to the butterflies, the crazy sex drive and the obsessing over? Then they ask, with deep fear: have I fallen out of love? 

The answer is yes and no. 

You see, love is not really one emotion--technically it is three. Evidence from neuroscience outlines that there are three systems of love: Lust, Romance, and Attachment (typically in that order). Each system is associated with very different brain chemicals and parts of the brain. 

Lust is exactly as you think it is and requires little explanation. Have you forgotten? Go to a nightclub. It's alive, powerful and horny!

Romantic love is what most of us think of when we think of love. Think "The Titanic," the number two highest grossing film of all time or Sparks' novel, "The Notebook." It's that constant obsession over your loved one, believing that they are superior to all others, and feels like you are walking on clouds (it's lovely).  

Last, is the brain system of attachment, which is nearly identical to the feelings that babies and connected mothers experience toward one another. It is the notion that you will be with this person forever. Not necessarily because they can do no wrong, but because they are a part of you and because you feel a deep sense of safety with them.

The majority of self-help books and magazine articles recommend focusing on romance--but that advice is only 33% accurate. The secret is integrating all three systems of love so that your brain is receiving not only dopamine, but also testosterone and oxytocin. Specifically, by focusing on sex drive and attachment along with romantic love, you'll feel as if you were falling in love again!

Throughout the course of a loving relationship, most people fall in and out of these love systems the same way that the ocean ebbs and flows its tide. It's psychologically healthy and absolutely normal for couples who are "in love" to move in and out of these three systems. 

Instead of thinking of love as one feeling, it would be more accurate to view love as three "feelings." Lust, Romantic Love, and Attachment are all essential to the experience of love. However, rarely does any relationship lasting over a few years score high on all three at the same time. Not to say that you won't feel lust again or that you will feel even more attached over the course of the relationship.

Moral of the story: don't be fooled to think that you have to feel like a lovesick teenager to be in love. Consider yourself in love when you experience any combination of the three love systems. If you feel attachment and romance or attachment and lust, know you are especially fortunate. If you feel all three at the same time--well, you are walking on sunshine! 

So, let's ask that question again: are you in love? If you feel a combination of lust, connection or romance, your answer is yes. Nice work. Enjoy each and every feeling. 

#thatisall

Dr. Jennifer Jones is a Clinical Psychologist, author, and speaker specializing in happiness, love, and parenting. She has been in love with her husband for 18 years and has two amazing children. Be sure to follow her to get the latest insight into love, happiness and parenting: @DrJenniferJones. Get more insight into the science of love at www.DrJennifer.com.

(Amazing too that if you ever said to me, that a human could survive getting hit. in. the. head. with. a. brick. like that - I'd think you were off your rocker. The human body amazes me!! I have one hard head!!)

The staples are out, and you can read more about how it happened here, and more about the latest and greatest here. 

It's pretty much the nerdiest thing ever that I was not only attacked while walking to a comic book shop, but that he shattered the Star Wars tumbler I had just purchased. WINNING! 

Either way, I'm going to film as much as I can today to make a little video for the YouTube, but I don't know what is and is not allowed in the court room. 

If you follow me on twitter, however, I will be speed updating everything as it goes down. (thats what she said) 

I don't know what to expect from this day, but I am hopeful, anxious and damn near ready to just GET THIS SHIT DONE!!!!!!

Let's do this ... 

#geterdone

Here is one I got last night on Facebook ... 

I very genuinely can't have an opinion on Valentines day since I've never had a Valentine. I pride myself in only talking about shiznat that I've experienced - and a Valentine is one that has eluded me. I can say that when I was in a relationship (but he was out of town working on the actual holiday), he sent me flowers ... so financially speaking he invested more money in the holiday, but when he was home I. Absolutely. Brought. It.

So, financially speaking the holiday DOES fall on the guy, but sexually speaking - the chick brings it. 

Again though, in relation to gender roles men and women play - this might not be a bad thing.

Valentines Day as well is just an awkward holiday for females; there is a general loss of control mixed with a shit ton of anxiety that may or may not lead to anything. Then again, you have to ask yourself what in me seeks that validation, and what in me feels a void - but commercialism is strong, man. I hold a TON of animosity over the holiday, but strictly because I've never celebrated (so what in me needs to let that go!). 

You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. In 100 years we're all dead, so eat, sleep, and be merry. Enjoy life, nerderinos!! Whatever that means for you!!

BUT, financially speaking if things are tighter for you, why not offer to cook for your gal? Dude, some of the best dinners I've ever had were when the guy cooked pasta.

Total investment:

Pasta $1 ... or $1.99 if you're fancy.

Sauce: $3

Bottle of wine: $2 (2 buck Chuck ftw!)

All in all, if you don't have a Trader Joes (which serves Charles Shaw wine aka Two Buck Chuck) near you though, you are still looking at a bill less than $20. Financially speaking, there is no excuse to ever tell a girl that you heart her.  

Love you all so long time it HURTS!!! 

#happyvalentinesday, nerds!!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @scorpio_symone

New York City is flooded with horny single people who all think that they are either too cute to speak, too ugly to try, or too busy to give a fuck. Online dating is something that can now be discussed at the workplace. It’s considered a common way we’ve all adapted to help us figure out who’s who in the city without having to whip out the pepper spray. I’m addicted to the initial point of contact. The oogling of pictures. The skimming of the blurbs. Comparing listed stats to  photos and making fun of bad grammar and poor musical selections. The right to silently judge you from my bedroom.

Ah, online dating. My smile and witty banter has been displayed on:

Let’s just put it this way; if every site was a guy and we shot a porn, it would be a gangbang bukkake scene. -.-‘

Not to come off as a narcissist, but I am a pretty lady. And I do look like all of the pictures on my profile, so I can be very confident and selective with the process of actually meeting someone. I was a Professional Nomad in person and online way before I decided to incorporate my love life into my reckless shenanigans. So at first I truly just wanted to make a connection with someone who had similar interests as myself and hope for the best. I was open to meet anyone who seemed real and genuinely fun on their profile that I found moderately attractive.

After a few months, my list of dates started to look like this ... 

As a solution to alleviate the chances of having to go through something like this again, I have developed a very detailed screening process for selecting a date.

•        Profile review (can be swapped depending on who initiated contact)
•        Send/Check Message
•        Skype Session
•        Phone Interaction
•        Date!

It’s been working out well so far. Skype has saved my life from meeting some rather unsavory characters, and probably contracting a few STDs. I haven’t found a boyfriend yet. But over the course of time I have acquired a few things:

- An avid appreciation for tall men

- A slave that asks his Mistress to kick him in the ribs (balls if he’s extra good!)

-a dozen new bars/restaurants that I take my friends to (and other dates ><’’)

Plus I’ve learned all about the three Fs.

At this point, I’ve pretty much given up on trying to find my soul mate online. Like Jen, I have learned a lot about myself in this process. I now know what it is that I am really after in a man, that I have commitment issues, and that I truly am enjoying my twenties and seeing what the world has to offer without limitations. I used to be a “serious commitment” type of gal when I was coming up, so its great to finally get out there and discover how much power a single woman can really have. I do get tired of kissing frogs, but it does balance out for a pretty good meal plan and interesting conversation. I did meet a guy recently; he passed all the pre-screening tests and I actually remember his name. I’m not saying I like him, but he is the first person to get a second date. And it only took me 5 months!

In the meantime, I’m going to consider changing my ‘self summary’ to:

“Shit! Nothing makes sense. So I won’t think about it. I’ll go with the ignorance. Eat, Sleep, Fuck and Flee; in four words that’s me. I am full of indifference.”

I’m sure the guys in Williamsburg will love it. 

Take that, Milkshake.

#thatisall

click here to follow Symone on twitter & check out her blog over yonder!