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<editorsnote> Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world.  We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!! </editorsnote>

 

 

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Entries in first love stories (6)

Wednesday
Aug032011

#WTF: Ever write a post about your first love and then have them cast you in a commercial a few weeks later? ME TOO! 

AHHH DUDESSS!! There was nothing not weird about today ... like at all ... and or what so everrrrrrrrr!!!

Strange little day I had ... strange strange day.

First up, here's a bit of the backstory ... so like a month ago, I messaged my first love on Facebook. I was feeling incredibly lonely, and fuck after 103 dates in 9 months - frankly fed up. I don't have a lot of "go-to" people in my life (those people that no matter what, no matter when you can just pick up the phone and call). I always thought of my first love as one of those go-to people ... but you never know. We didn't end things well, and I pretty much thought he hated me.

All of that aside, I still emailed him to feel things out, and then documented not only our love story, but his response to me writing it. (Read more here)

He's in a relationship now, and didn't want to jeopardize anything (understandable). I asked to meet for coffee or a drink - anything really ... and he politely declined. It hurt, I'm not gonna lie ... I wasn't even looking to date him necessarily just talk to him. I miss some of my old friends, and I miss people that knew me pre-lifecasting. I know I'm a personal brand, and I know I am this site, and the site is me - I ASSURE you there is nothing on this EARTH that I have ever been more proud of ... but sometimes it's nice to still go back to being Jen Jen - quirky, weird, and a bundle of energy. He doesn't talk to me about tech because he doesn't know anything about it, nor does he want anything from me - I was just a chick he met at a Super Cuts back in 2004. It just keeps it real, man.

So yeah that's the backstory. Lemme tell you all what happened today ... here's the song that goes with the post. HIZZUAH!

Romeo (first love) called me on Friday to ask if I was free to be in this commercial, I said I wasn't sure, lemme get back to you yada yada.

I finally after great thought decided to at least give it a go and see what happens.

I am not even kidding you when I say I was sooooooo nervous when I woke up this morning. This was like epicly new levels of nervous. I still can't legally drive my car since I have racked up 5 parking tickets, and have yet to pay them which means I can't renew my registration ::smf:: so, I had to take the bus.

Mind you, normally that's no biggie. I love the bus! I get to tweet, catch up on reading - I can't stop multi-tasking, so it's honestly a pretty ideal way for me to get around for now, hahahaa. The only problem was the shoot took place in Alhambra. AL-HAM-BRA!!! Translation: Not LA

Alhambra is only about a half hour drive from LA, but it's just wayyyyyyy the fuck out there. I popped on google maps and to my surprise, you can actually take a city bus from Hollywood to Alhambra! Yuppers! For $3 each way (2 bus rides - transfer in downtown) you can go all the way out to bumfuck and get your groove on.

My call time was between 9-930 so at 7:30am, my little fanny hopped on the 704 and headed towards Alhambra. HAHAHA it was SOO rad too, while I was just sitting at the bus stop - minding my own business ... this limo driver pulls up to me asking if I needed a ride anywhere.

Free of charge, the driver said. Well, maybe I charge you one smile. Where are you going?

Alhambra, I said.

Oh - that's far. Best of luck sweetie.

The light turned and he drove off.

HAHAHA even the limo driver thinks where I am going is far, goodness gracious.

A couple minutes later the bus arrived, and an hour and a half later I arrived in Alhambra.

Mind you too, I was in a short skirt/dress thingie - I looked like I was going clubbing, or doing an epic walk of shame ... it was 9AM in the middle of a SUPER residential area!!!

Literally. Brady bunch worthy! (ommmgggg how do people live out hereeeeee!!!)


So, I walk the mile from the bus stop and walk up to the house. LITERALLY as I was walking up, he was calling me. He walked out of the house, and my eyes caught him and BAMMMMMMM it hit me like a ton of bricks.

FUCKKKK he looks hot.

Now, I've known Romeo for 7 years, I don't say this lightly ... he has absolutely never looked better. Like never, ever, ever. He's happy, and he's glowing - I've never seen him like this.

I get inside, and he introduces me to everyone on set. I'm pretty certain at that point I just mentally checked out - I was on total emotional overload. As is, right now, I'm going through a lot with this brand in general. I've been working on a lot of things for a while now, and they're finally all coming to fruition - however, at the same exact time. Best worst problem ever - heyyyy your site is being turned into a TV show, and you're writing a book, and you're officially getting seed money to launch things legitimately - yayyyyy. It's still a weird time for me - no other word for it. I honestly went to this today to see him. I knew he wasn't going to see me any other way, and frankly at this emotional state - I will take what I can get.

We start shooting the commercial, and I asked him prior if I could snap a few pictures to lifecast it - he had no problem. Even encouraged me to take pics which was rad!

  

The commercial is for a liquor company. Pretty cool shit man. I was just an extra but mannnnnn, standing there under the lights and seeing him work that set, and work it behind the camera - total turn on.

I've never seen Romeo like this - at all. I felt like I was back in a time machine and in 2004 because this is the dude I remember meeting, but haven't seen in literally 7 years. I had to hold back tears on set.

Nothing about this entire situation felt good. Lemme just bust that out right now. Yes, I was grateful to see him. Yes, I was SUPER happy to help him out ... but it was all so overwhelming, which I didn't anticipate.

When I say I love Romeo - I mean this is like ... GUT DEEP. I don't even love people I'm blood related to. My mom, my dad, and my brother are it for me. I didn't grow up speaking to my extended family, I didn't have close friends as a kid, and now as an adult, I don't have a lot of intimate relationships - I have no friggen attachments to people!!! I appreciate people in the moment and bam just like that I can move on. I don't get this whole notion of wanting to be besties with people for ever and ever. I think we're all on our own paths, and you gotta keep striving to be better and meet new people - it's just kinda my thing.

I stayed super quiet all day on set. Like all all day. I didn't want to leave, again, I was happy to be able to help - but I just couldn't take it emotionally. And he was AMAZING too, he kept checking in on me - asking if I was okay, if I needed anything - it's like STOP SPEAKING YOURE GOING TO MAKE ME CRYYY!!!!

Once we wrapped lunch, I asked if it was cool that I take off - he thanked me and walked me out.

This must have been weird for you, huh?

You have no idea, I said.

I walked the mile back to my bus stop where I proceeded to cry for the next hour and half. It's great though that if you're going to have a crying session to just do it right there on the bus. We're all such insular beings - no one really cares, and frankly I was dressing a little hoochie so anyone that might have thought, hey baby, lemme go talk to her - was prolly too scared after seeing the mascara running down my cheeks.

SCORE!!!!!

It's gnarly too because I wasn't crying out of sadness or, oh woe is me - why aren't we together ... it was the EXACT opposite. I was SOOO FUCKING HAPPY FOR HIM!!! He's glowing, and whatever he is doing he absolutely 100% needs to keep doing it. It was just hard for me to see someone that I've loved so much for so long there in person - it jolted me rather unexpectedly.

I am grateful for Romeo because he taught me that love can grow in my heart, and over the years it has evolved into a pretty amazing friendship. I may no longer be a participant in his life, but I wouldn't mind being a spectator from time to time. He's special ... I can't describe it ... but after over 103 dates in 9 months I can say that conclusively, hahaha.  

I love Romeo. Always have, always will - but I'm not in love with him. Once love grows in your heart, it doesn't ever go away, it just evolves. You just have to be prepared and buckle up for the ride it will take you on - it's not always pretty.

Now, my single sexy self has to wipe away these tears because I have a date tomorrow. Yeppers - he's taking me to a Coldplay concert (AMAZING!!). I've been dating this duderino for a couple weeks now, and he's actually pretty rad! This will be our 4th date and upon completion it will be the longest I have dated a single person in almost 2 years!! ::score for milestones:: Who knows where that is going to go - for the first time, I'm actually too busy to care; I'm just letting it all be because I'm too tired to put too much thought into it. He's fun, and super super super smart - that's good enough for me for now, haha.

Being single may not be easy, but being reminded of love like Romeo's makes it all worth it.

HIT IT BEYONCE!!

#thatisall

Tuesday
Jul052011

#Question: WTF is wrong with me? I just messaged my first love on Facebook - PT. 5

AHH!! I need to get this story out of me!! I'm still under a deadline, and this story is taking over my little life! HAHA dudes, I totally lost a contact today as collateral damage from crying over these series of posts. It's not even like tears of sadness or anything, it's just SUCH a beautiful story, and I loved this person so very much - still do! But fucckk, to release it all so publicly is still a lot. I wonder if this is freaking him out reading my side of things. I've sent him all the posts. I hope I'm telling it as accurately as possible ... but I can only imagine what it's like to not end things very well, go away for a year come back and have this entirely new life. Either way, super grateful for you all reading and now onto the final chapter.

To get caught up here's part 1 ... part 2 ... part 3 ... and part 4 ...

Oh, and here's the song ...

The SECOND I heard his mom died nothing ... and I mean NOTHING was going to stop me from seeing him. I honestly can't remember the timeline at that point. I'm certain he had already gone to the funeral and everything, so I think he waited a bit to tell me ... not sure, that's his story not mine.

It was an interesting time for me. It was almost a year since I had ended things with Noah, lost everything that I owned in a massive cockroach infestation, and managed to literally create an entirely new life for myself. Romantically speaking I was single, however I was being nagged by My Fake Internet Boyfriend. That was well, interesting.

I didn't care what it was going to take, or what I was going to have to do ... I needed to see him. We couldn't have this conversation over the phone, I had to go to San Fran.

I book the flight, and three days later I am sitting on the plane with SOOO much anxiety!!! No dudes, I'm talking like anxious anxious. This was my first love! I hadn't seen him in the flesh in just about 2 years. Was he going to be different? Were we romantically going to feel a spark? Am I even thinking about that right now? Dude, Jen, his mom died - quit it!

I put on my producer hat and filtered out the noise, all the bs, and cut to the heart of it; my first love needed me. Boom - I was there.

I had never been to San Fran before, it is a BEAAAAAUUUTTIIIFFUUULLLLLLLL city!!! The second I saw him, my heart sank - he looked incredible. Same face, same smile, same Romeo. We embraced. I held him so tight not knowing what to say. I'm sorry didn't seem like enough, yet, good to see you felt inappropriate as well.

Hi, I said.

Hi, he said.

Welcome to my city.

Thank you for having me, I said with a smile. 

We spent the entire weekend touring San Francisco. He took me to all of his favorite local spots, introduced me to his friends, even took me wine tasting in Sonoma. It wasn't until the second day that we started talking about his mom while we were sitting at Ghiradelli's Square.

The sadness in Romeo's eyes killed me as he spoke about his mother. He's never shown me that side of him. I wanted to hug him, tell him it was going to be okay, but I didn't know. My parents are still alive, I couldn't empathize. I just let him speak, and held his hand as we looked out at the water.

He was different now. He was so so so so so different.

Albeit, his spirit was obviously grieving, but for the first time in my life I could see how much I meant to Romeo. I went from being this chick he met in a random and intense way to a fuck buddy, to a good friend, to now ... I wasn't so sure.

I knew in that moment he loved me, and I wasn't sure how to process it. Fortunately, at that time, he didn't say anything.

Why did I go up to San Fran unless I still loved him? I wondered. How could I not still love him though? He was my first love, that doesn't go away- it just evolves. I loved Romeo ... I loved him very much, but after all I had gone through, I wasn't sure if I was still IN love with him.

The trip went by super fast, as is the case with anytime you are enjoying yourself, and before you knew it, I was back in LA.

It never really occurred to me that there was any chance for Romeo and I to work out since geographically he was so far away, so I never really thought about it at that point. I was just super grateful he was in my life in whatever capacity I could have him in, and I was grateful we got to spend that weekend together - the rest, I would have to figure out later.

2008 was a bat shit year for me. I felt a MASSIVE change coming on, and I wasn't sure where it was headed. I was working for LiveVideo, and still hustling at this little kosher restaurant in Beverly Hills to get some money since our LV checks may or may not have arrived on time. I signed with a new modeling agent, and also wound up getting booked for Deal or No Deal, and another game show pilot for NBC.

<tangent> My parentals have that DVD somewhere, I'll totes put that and my Price is Right gig on YouTube. I was on the show for 5 episodes of the syndicated weekly version - #16. Aired October 2008. </tangent>

After Deal or No Deal the new agency made me chop off my hair and go back to my "natural" color of dark brown. It took 7 hours to get all the black out, but I was still pretty meh on the entire thing. I dunno, when you model it's pretty much a time where you shut up and smile. If my agent was telling me the black was too much, I had to do it, or I had to find a new agent. Annoying as it was, I still listened. I totally stopped feeling like myself.

Modeling came really easily to me. I was a bit of a late bloomer in life, but I dunno - I'm a very expressive individual. Smiling with the eyes when you have such big blue ones came pretty naturally to me; I loved it.

A few months went by, and then the recession hit. It was crazy living in LA at that time, there were SOOOOOOO many "for lease" and "for rent" signs up all over the city. DUDES! To see "For Lease" on Rodeo drive was a super gnarly thing. This city got weird for a hot minute, and everyone started to leave.

I started to question my own life at that point. Yeah, I loved LiveVideo, but I was trying to sustain some sort of life out in LA, and the checks were too intermittent. I needed to figure my shit out, I couldn't be a server forever.

I weighed my options, and even at that point considered teaching English in Barcelona, but decided instead to submit to some commercial agencies on the east coast to see if I could get work as a model, and give it some sort of a go. I was definitely good at it, and having Deal or No Deal on your resume will get you an interview with anyone.

One of the first agencies I approached got right back to me, and within the first week they were asking me to come out to Florida to audition for the Home Shopping Network (HSN) for a hosting gig.

RAADD!!! I thought! I needed a change. I didn't have anything going for me in LA during that time. The city was going through SUCH a tumultuous period (the entire country really), I wasn't in a relationship, I had lost all of my stuff the year prior - might as well just see where the wind takes me.

A couple weeks later, my brother flew out and just before Christmas we packed up all of my LA belongings, put most of them in storage, and grabbed just what I needed to go to Florida for a few months.

I was NOT looking forward to this adventure. Yes, I loved modeling, but I was really bummed that the economy took such a beating - particularly in LA. The whole vibe of the city changed, and I'm super sensitive to energy levels, so being around the doom and gloom was not my scene.

I got to Florida and immediately started booking. Dudes, I was a GOOOOOODDD model!

I'm still the Abstinence Girl on Snorg's website ...being the daughter of a Hoar this means the world to me (mother's maiden name)

Modeling was easy, but it bored me. All during 2009 my heart longed to get back to LA, but I saw no path.

I then started studying search engine optimization, and would go from shoot to shoot to sitting in my room behind the computer for hours at a time. Dudes, I remember in March that year literally watching first hand Myspace take it's massive dive. It was INNSSAANNNEEEEEE!!!! I was writing for the Examiner at the time too, so I kinda got to blog and what not, but meh. My column was called "how to make it in LA" - I failed to notify the editor of my change of address. My b!

I just wasn't happy during that time. No other butts about it. I really really really dug modeling, but hated the location. This was the market to be in for commercial modeling, but it just did nothing for me. I was in a massive funk. Cue the mentalist. In April of that year the mentalist and I began talking (we all know how that ended).

Romeo and I were talking during that time, but it was as friends. We'd talk on the phone here ... or talk on the phone there ... again, he was in San Fran, and I was now on the other side of the country.

<tangent> It was RIDICULOUSLY creepy though ... the place I was staying in Florida was exactly 1 mile away from his sister. TOTALLY a coincidence, and TOTALLY creepy. Dudes, they don't even have the same last name, hahaha no way I would have planned that one! </tangent>

As you all know, I fell for the mentalist hard ... and fast ... as is my norm.

A few months later I get a call from Romeo - I'm moving back to LA!!!!

Amazing, I thought. I'm planning on heading back myself actually (I failed to tell him the reason why).

I don't remember if it was that exact conversation, or one shortly there after - but I could tell he was trying to see if I would move in with him. It was the way he was wording things. He wasn't coming out and saying it directly, but I felt it ... and I felt it in my SOUL!!!!

OOOOOOHHHHH fuck me in the fuckerdy fuck fuck ... not now. Please not now, Romeo. I just met this dude, and I know we bonded and all - but I can't do this. I just ... can't.

I kept my calls to Romeo at that time at a minimum. I knew after my trip to San Fran that he loved me, and I was totally falling head over heels for the mentalist, and I was just ... confused.

<tangent> Crazy how all these stories intertwine. I think my entire life is officially now online. Read more about Romeo in the mentalist saga over here!! mwahahahahahaha </tangent>

I couldn't just leave Romeo hanging though - shortly after I moved back to LA, I did tell him why I was there.

Dudes, one of THEEEE most difficult conversations ever. ever. ever. ever.

Can you imagine your first love finally realizing he loves you almost 5 years later?!?!?! Like seriously?!?! Our love spanned two states and two metropolitan areas!!!!

I emotionally was not ready to deal with any of this. I don't remember what Romeo said to me during that time, but I'm sure he was kind and wanting me to be happy, otherwise I would have remembered it.

I moved on. I couldn't help it - it had been FIVE YEARS!!!!!! I had my closure with the San Fran trip, and even if he was moving back to LA now, what was I supposed to do? We never officially even dated!! It was such a confusing time for me ... but again, I just drowned myself in the mentalist.

Flash forward 5 months later and I find out that the duderino was not only seeing me, but potentially hundreds of other women across the country (read more about that here). Romeo was one of the first people I called.

I wasn't sure what was happening, I wasn't sure what I was going to do now that every day that was passing I was finding out more and more about what he actually did ... I just wanted a familiar face - I wanted my Romeo.

That night we met up and he took me out to Cinespace, a club here in Hollywood. We were waiting upstairs for some of his friends and he took out his iPhone, grabbed my headphones from my iPod touch and played me this song.

Jen, every time I hear this song I think of you ...

I wasn't sure how to handle what he was telling me. I was still living at the mentalist's apartment for fuck's sake. This was LITERALLY like 48 hours after I found everything out.

I told him we had just broken up, but I couldn't get the words out as to what happened.

We then danced, and I saw a screening of a film he had done the coloring on - it was actually pretty effing good ... but my brain was just fried.

My heart was in a million pieces, and I didn't want to tell Romeo what had happened necessarily, but I just wanted a friend. He, however, wanted a lover.

That night I left early and kissed him on the cheek. I wasn't ready for anything like that - but a few weeks later, after I moved out of the mentalist's place I rang up Romeo and asked what he was doing!

Him: Wanna meet up and go to Jones?

Me: Absofuckinglutely!

The entire night I sat around and talked to him and his friends. It was weird even getting to meet them. Remember, I started off as someone he was dating, then got bumped to a fuck buddy, then a friend, then a good friend, back to a lover, back to a good friend, now what were we? This was like the craziest love journey EVER!!!!! It was amazing to know that I was "in" whatever that "in" was with Romeo. I had clearly passed all of his tests, and he was ready to make a go of it all.

I remember that night going home with him, and my body just ached. Yes, I loved making love to Romeo, but this time for me - it was just sex. That broke my HEART!!!!! Dude, the way this guy looked at me, and in the morning he even gave me his special orange juice mug. WHHHYYY OHHH WHHYYYYYYYY couldn't this have been 5 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went home and cried. Timing is EVERYTHING IN LIFE!!!!!!!! Had I not met the mentalist, I GUARANTEE YOU I would have moved in with Romeo as his timing to want to head back to LA was DIRECTLY in line with me wanting to head back to LA.

But of course, had that happened, I might not have this platform to even be typing this on as you all know it was the energy from that relationship that launched this entire brand. 

I didn't speak to Romeo for a few weeks after the night at Jones. I knew I was going to break his heart, and I wasn't okay with doing that to someone that I loved.

A few weeks later however was Thanksgiving. I at the time was barely speaking to my family, had no close friends, the site was barely a few weeks old ... I was just in a state of ... blah.

He invites me over.

I would love to see you.

We sit down at his little candle lit dinner table, and he professes his love for me. Well, not quite - but in the Romeo kinda way of, sooooooo I kinda wanna make a go of this. I told him I had SO much on my plate. I wasn't speaking to my family ...he stopped me.

Wait, you're not speaking to your family? But you guys are super close.

Yeah, but I started this site, and some other things went on with my grandmother ... it's too much for me right now. I just need to breathe.

Jen, I would KILL to have another minute back with my mom.

I was immediately taken back to Ghiradelli Square, and was immediately inundated with sadness.

I know, but this is different.

No, it's not. You have to talk to them.

We embrace.

I feel so alone, I whisper in his ear.

But you don't have to be.

He starts kissing me, and we move back into his bedroom where we make love.

It was SOOOOOOOOOO beautiful. Like omg, epic. epic. epic. love making. Holy crapsicles! Lifetime, you ain't got nothin on this!!!!

I remember he had U2 playing from Pandora on his iPhone, and I slowly slipped away into a state of bliss.

Once we were done, I fell asleep in his arms.

If for only for this moment this is all I get from life, I am content. On this night, he made my heart stop hurting.

I woke up a few hours later, and his face was inches away from mine. He's so handsome, and he looks so happy, even sleeping!! 

I had never seen Romeo like this. Our lives seemed to always intersect when he was going through something ... this time it was my turn, and I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with that.

That morning he took me out to breakfast, and I sat across the table from him in awe. He finally got it together, he was ready for me ... my first love ... our storybook beginning, and middle ... and now I am going to fuck up the end? I held back tears at the breakfast table as I thought to myself how I ruined everything. Why did I have to fall for the mentalist? Why did that have to happen? What life experience did I really gain from it? I'm so ashamed, I'm so broken ... I'm no good for anyone. 

We get up from the booth, did you enjoy yourself?

Yeah, I say with sadness.

He held my hand the entire way back in the car, and by the time we had reached my own car, I was ready to just throw in the towel to my life. I couldn't take this anymore. What the FUCK are the odds?!?!? Why now?!?! Why NOW!!!!!!!

He kissed me as I got in my car, and I never returned a single call from him again. I couldn't do it. Love can't grow out there all by itself, and I CERTAINLY wasn't going to do to him what the mentalist did to me. Love can never be one sided - it needs to instead be celebrated.

This was the end of 2009, I haven't spoken to Romeo until I sent this Facebook message on Sunday:

12 hours later, while I was writing out these series of posts, I got a response.

I got exactly 2 lines of reading it out loud to my roommate before I broke down crying.

This is one of the most personal, and most beautiful things anyone has ever written to me ...

This is why I've been sobbing pretty much uncontrollably for the last 2 days, and why I even friggen lost a contact lense this morning.

One person has managed to write me two of the most beautiful messages ever. (Still REALLY wish I found that note from Super Cuts, btw!)

I don't know what is meant to be with Romeo being in my life. I'd like to have him as a friend, but I'm not sure how cool he is with that as I haven't even heard anything back from him regarding these series of posts. I am SUCH a different person now, I wouldn't even know where to begin in telling him what I've done in launching this site, and the spiritual journey it took me on ... the best part about all of this though is that I don't care. Love grew in my heart. I am so so so so soooo proud of myself for that. It's a big deal for someone like me! Had it not been for Romeo in breaking through all of my walls, I doubt I would be the person that I am today. He made me one tough cookie! I never gave up! And I never compromised!!

It has been 7 years since our first chance meeting at Super Cuts. Even just in reading his response I know Romeo has changed even more into a happier and more content person, and that couldn't make me happier. And frankly, he is in his 30s now, so if he is telling me he is in a serious relationship the chances he's gonna marry this chica is pretty high.

I'm sad to think that that won't be me one day, but that's the thing about love - it's unconditional. If he's happy, then I'm happy, I can go to my grave at least knowing that this has been one EPIC love story. 

Back to my single status self!! Let's go! Time to Effing #GetItOn!!!

Thanks so so so much for reading these posts guys!!

 You make me all SO proud to type ... #NERDSUNITE

Tuesday
Jul052011

#Question: WTF is wrong with me? I just messaged my first love on Facebook - PT. 4

AH! Thank you guys so so so much for all the tweets, facebook comments, and emails regarding this series of posts. It's almost done, and its incredibly humbling reading them all. UGHHH!! I am so not a morning person but this morning I couldn't help but just lay in bed and watch this video over and over and over.

I'm not a huge fan of the song, but this video is first off - very well done, and secondly, pretty accurate on our chance meeting ... how we kissed ... and how we touched ... it was nuts. I think to feel that once in your life is pretty rad, so for that, I am grateful.

You guys have to understand one thing about me, I am NOT pre-disposed to want to have intimate relationships with people. From growing up estranged from both sides of my extended family, to being a complete loaner in school and then subsequently finally getting a best friend in high school and having them turn around and stalk you ... being close to someone isn't on my highest list of priorities. Hence why I worked so hard in school because it was where I got validated. If I threw myself at work, and if I worked really hard, I would get a return. If I didn't focus on people, or social settings that much I didn't have to worry. Fuck, the only reason why I am socially competent in any capacity is purely survival. I'm a loner, and it's rad because I own it. I genuinely adore being a butterfly and being such a free spirit. I truly truly truly am my happiest with a hoodie and headphones on watching people - hence why I ADDDOOORREEEEEEEE social media. I can be a fly on the wall without people knowing.

This is the story of the first guy that I wanted to get close to. This is the story of my first love.

Oh and if you're not caught up, here's part 1 ... part 2 ... and part 3 ...

*scene*

When Romeo first told me he was leaving LA, I was shocked. He was my constant in this city. I moved out here at 19 knowing not a single soul, just driving for 3 days with $300 to my name and with a new lease on a room to share in Culver City. I had met him my first week in LA, and next to my roomies I knew him the longest. I couldn't believe that after only 2 years he was going to leave this city ... and leave ... me.

It hit me that it was never going to work out between us. Romeo had lived in LA for 5 years at that point and was totally burned out - he swore up, down, left, and right that he was gone from LA for good.

I hate goodbyes. Like hate hate HATE them, but this was one that I had to do. I made a promise to Romeo with my heart, and I had to see it through.

I barely remember saying good bye to him. I remember that it was night, and I remember the pick up truck he traded in his car for ... but other than that, it's all blank. I sobbed when he left. I had told myself I had moved on, I had even dated other boys - but it wasn't the same. Nothing was serious, and no one was like Romeo.

We hugged good bye, and I drove away.

Yeah - super super super duper sad time.

<tangent> I don't think he ever knew how much he meant to me. I was kinda weird at expressing my emotions (hahaha still am),  but this was my first love. He may have shot me down twice, but I don't give up ... ever. In the back of my mind somewhere I always imagined a perfect storybook ending to our storybook beginning and middle. If he was my Prince Charming he was now physically putting a whole lotta miles between us. No bueno. </tangent>

OMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGG I cried for days. Days and days and days. Not that same sense of loss like I had initially when he first told me we weren't going to be together, but this overwhelming sense of sadness and a sudden realization that life isn't like Hallmark and Disney movies dictate. Things in life don't always work out. And dudes, my parentals have been together their ENTIRE life!!! THEY had the storybook romance, but they were the exception not the rule. Really really really heavy life lesson to have hit you at 22. 

A couple of months go by, and I had a total life overhaul. I moved from the little shared apartment in Culver City to a spanking new townhouse furnished with furniture from Mr. Bob Barker, courtesy of winning a whole bunch on the Price is Right. That summer I also left my gig in movie marketing choosing to take a non 9-5 working as a B2B financial rep for Verizon indirect sales.

<tangent> It was funny, I was brought into that job to prove that chicks couldn't sell cellular activations; it was a sink or swim situation 100%. Dudes, when I left that job I was literally the top rep in the nation, out of over a hundred, and also one of the youngest. mwahahaha! I love love love technology, and if an account wants to give me more numbers if I promise to come by more often and smile sweetly, I will happily oblige. Sex sells man, but customers are only satisfied if they are educated on the products that they are selling. I made sure ALL of my accounts and their staff knew Verizon phones, and what the best upsells were. UGHHHH!! Loved that job! </tangent> 

In 2006, I made a conscious decision to reinvent myself. I had been in LA for 2 years, it was time to get real. Romeo was fun, and I kept him safely tucked away in my heart - but he was gone and I had to move on with my life. 

That July 4th I got invited to a friend of a friend's BBQ. Here's an actual picture from that day ... 

<tangent> OMMMMGGGG cameo from the LG VX9800. HAHAHAA not even the enV, this was old school, bitches!!! Friggen loved that phone it was my first true QWERTY keyboard. I was only a T-9er through necessity. That thing changed my texting habits FOREVER! </tangent>

Actually, lemme take a few steps back. In June of 2006, I met this duderino and we kinda hit it off. He was fun, we had a lot of great dates, pretty hot nook nook, but he was SUPER intense. Like wooahhhhh. He was older- 30 something, and was ready to settle down and have the family. I was not in that space at that time ... at all ... and the more you push someone to be in that space, the farther they will run. 

Super nice guy though, but just wasn't going to happen. Yes, I was getting over the sting of Romeo leaving, but it was still too much for me to handle. One bite of the elephant at a time. 

So, that day, my friend Cindy invites me to her friend's BBQ  ... (see pic above for outfit worn) ... and I bring the super nice duderino ... but HOLLLYYY CRAP! The guy that owned the house = super. fucking. gorgeous. 

Like, I needed to get up on it. BAAAAAADD!!! 

Was it wrong for me to bring a date to a friend of a friend's BBQ and then flirt with another guy? Yes! That's why I waited 24 hours. =) 

I realized at that BBQ that things with me and the super nice dude weren't going to go anywhere, so I slowly disappeared from his radar screen by not answering any of his calls. However, immediately after the party, I got the lowdown on the BBQ dude from my friend. 

Me: What's his name?

Is he single? 

Duration and time of last relationship? 

... girl code usual ... 

Her: His name is (names have been changed) Noah. 

He is single. 

Not sure on the last relationship. 

I ask her for his number, and called him that week.

Me: SOOOOOOOOOOOOO, whatcha doin on Friday? I was getting a group of people together to go out, wanna come with? 

Him: Absolutely. 

We all went out that Friday to club Element in Hollywood, and Noah and I hit it off. Like totally, totally hit it off. We danced the entire night, and totally made out in like 10 different places inside the club. 

Flash forward 3 hours later and we're making out back at his house ...

Flash forward 5 hours later, I am waking up in his bed ...

HAHAHA he was a riot. I dunno, we just clicked on a physical level, and later that week after a few dates, we realized we were pretty compatible. 

We started to officially date about as quickly as we started to bone. Within weeks I was his girlfriend and less than two months later, we were living together. 

YEP! That happened! 

It was honestly a COMPLETE pain in the ass geographically speaking. I was living in Culver City at the time, and he was in Tarzana. He was a SOLID 45 minute drive on a good day, and my job required me to drive around and travel so much that when it came to my personal life, I was over it. 

I understand now that I committed two cardinal sins (sleeping together right away, and moving in so soon), but I didn't care. I was used to breaking molds, and I was 22, making good money, and doing incredibly well for myself - I would have liked to see anyone try and stop me. 

My relationship with Noah was as great as a first relationship with anyone could be. I was young, stupid, and after a while in love. I couldn't help it, he just made me so happy ... 

 

... being happy is reason enough to be with anyone in life. 

2006 was spent in a total state of bliss. I was happy with my new career choice, happy to be in a relationship, and happy that for the first time in a while I was happy! 

2007 however, was a horse of a different color. 

2007 was an interesting time in social media - a lot of things started to "pop." I got on Myspace back in 2005 to match my friends who were on this new thing called Facebook. Since I didn't have a college email address I couldn't get an invite. Lame sauce - but very honestly the only reason why I got on Myspace. 

My relationship with Myspace was fast, and immediate - I FUCKING LOVED IT!!!! 

I was still in movie marketing at the time, and to be able to sit there and people watch and still be at work ANNNDD still get paid?!?! What is going on here?!!?!

hahaha I literally remember the last week I was there one of my supervisors begging me not to get on Myspace that day that she needed my full attention. Fine fine fine ... pull me away ... hahaha I also got Myspace banned from the work computers when I was over at the Verizon indirect office. When our internet was acting janky at the house I would go into work a little early to access my account before hitting the road for the day. Drove the President of the company NUTS!!!

What was I supposed to do? Blackberries didn't have optimized web page viewing at that time, and the teensy bit that they did have was so GOD AWFULLY slow. Dudes, I'm talking like dial up trying to watch a music vid circa 1999 type slow. UGHHHHH!!! By all means, move at a glacial pace, you know how much that thrills me! 

As time went on though, my relationship with social media became pretty front and center - Noah got concerned and a bit jealous. 

You're on that damn thing so much! Can't you ever detach? I only get to see the top of your head everyday. Where's the rest of you? 

I can detach, but why would I? Go do your thing! Lemme do mine! 

I told him how much I loved him, I showed him in as many ways as I could think of ... but it wasn't enough. I was also starting to get a lot of pressure to keep my numbers up at work ... and a lot just hit me at once. I felt INCREDIBLY overwhelmed and his nagging about my social media habits didn't help any. 

Then, the inevitable happened ... at 22, I had a nervous breakdown, literally. (See this post on the 48 hours I spent in a nuthouse

I got out of the hospital and the boyfriend that knew I was already a little loco was now completely confident that he was living with a crazy chick. 

Shit got weird between us, and a few months later we broke up. 

<tangent> DUDES! I am superly duperly proud though to say that I am not crazy, just super smart and super creative!!! Literally, I'm not insane ... I have the papers to prove it =) </tangent> 

2007 was really difficult for me. Not only did Noah and I break up, but the apartment I moved into turned out to be a total mess and COMPLETELY infested with cockroaches. I subsequently lost everything I owned in a massive cockroach infestation. Yep, that happened. (read more here ... don't worry, I don't show pictures)

Yet again I had to reinvent myself ... but this time, it was forced.

No relationship ... no home ... no stuff ... nada. New beginning. 

 

I had 1 box to move into my new apartment - that was it. Most of that came from my car, btw, or stuff that I had at my desk at work. 

1 box. 

That's it. 

I didn't talk to Romeo during that time. I hadn't really talked to him at all since he moved to San Fran. There was the occasional, hey! you doing okay? text ... but that was it. We were both doing our own things, and both moving on in our own ways. 

I always thought about him though, and social media only made those thoughts traceable. 

DUDES! I stalked that mofo on Myspace like no other. I remember he created his account in 2007, and the SECOND I saw it - I freaked!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG He's on here!!! Should I add him? What do I say? Is his page public or private? OMG can he see that I'm looking at his page??

It took me a solid month of daily viewing before I actually added him. I think I even threw in a message of, HEYYY!! Fancy seeing you here! hahahaha yes Jen, because Myspace TOTALLY suggested you friend him because of COURSE they were ahead of Facebook in adding that feature. Dudes, time machines exist!!! 

He added me, and we exchanged an email here and there. No comments though, and I definitely never ... ever ... commented on his page or on a photo. I played it cool ... for once in my life. 

In December of 2007 I got hired on to work for LiveVideo as a personality under the name PhotoJeNic, and life started to get pretty kosher again. I really really really really really genuinely enjoyed lifecasting, and although everyone in the world thought I was doing web cam porn, I saw it as an art form and a way to express myself and process all that I had just gone through. 

Cheapest. Therapy. Ever. 

I don't remember how we started talking again, (I can only imagine that alcohol was involved as fans of the show would remember I lovveeddd me some wine in a bag - not even the box!!! you can take it out of the box and it's in a bag!!!!), but Romeo and I started to build up a solid rapport as just friends. We started to shoot the shit, and he thought my experiences were absolutely bat shit crazy. I was scared to tell him that no, I'm in fact not crazy ... I have the papers to prove ... but you get the idea.

Then a couple months later, he calls me upset. 

I've known Romeo for 4 years at this point. Albeit on and off, we had both gone through our own things ... and while he would get sad about something, I had never actually heard him upset. 

Jen, my mom died. 

WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!!!! 

Hold the phone! No wait, I am on the phone!! Don't do that. 

What happened?

It was sudden. She was away on this trip, and I didn't even know she was on it, and now she's gone. (Stroke, I believe he said) 

It didn't even occur to me to think about it, but I FLEEWWWWW over to my computer and checked out flights from LAX to San Fran. 

I can be there in 3 days. Can I come up for the weekend and we can talk about it? I don't want to do this over the phone. 

I'd love it, thank you. 

3 days later I was on a flight to San Fran for the first time. 

ANNNNDDDD scene. Gimme a little bit, I'll have the rest of the story posted tonight. mwahahahaha!!! Thanks SOOOOO much for reading everyone! =) xoxooxxoxoxxoxoxoxxo

click here to read the next chapter

#nerdsunite

 

Monday
Jul042011

#Question: WTF is wrong with me? I just messaged my first love on Facebook - PT. 3

UGHHH!!! This story is so fucking inspiring and I had no idea I still had all of this inside of me. OH OH OH!! And as of 3 hours ago it has a new ending. SOOOO AAMMAAZINNNNGGGG!!! I fucking LOVE social media. Like seriously ... if I could continuously dry hump it for the rest of my life I would be one. happy. camper.

Alrite. So here's part 1, and part 2 ... the first week I moved to LA I fell in love. Like hardcore. For the first time in all my life. It's a beautiful story that I haven't thought about in a while, but I just emailed the duderino yesterday on Facebook ... and yeah, that happened. =)

Here's part 3, and here's the song ...

After he sent me that text a part of me died. My heart broke in a way that I didn't know was possible. The way that we met, the feeling he gave me - it was JUST like in the movies and all the romantic comedies I grew up worshipping. How could my story end up so differently? I don't understand! Isn't love supposed to conquer all?

I fell into a super gnarly depression. It sucked because we lived so close, I literally passed his house every day on my way to work. (He lived on this side street from a main road, and to avoid the untimed red lights, you could take it, and cut over. Totally made my life ... but now totally broke my heart even more.)

Don't look over Jen. Don't look for his car ... keep driving. Focus on the road ... focus on the road ... you can do this.

I look over.

That's his window, I wonder if he's inside.

WHOOPS! SQUIRREL!!!! Focus Friel!!!! 

Morning, noon, and night, I had one thing on my mind - Romeo.

I was close with the chick that I actually shared my room with at the time, so she and I used a fake ID and went out to a couple bars in Hermosa, and Huntington in the hopes of meeting another guy.

Guy after guy ... date after date ... they weren't Romeo.

I sobbed uncontrollably in her arms, when does the pain stop? I can't do this anymore. Tell me this isn't what love is really like.

Shhhhhhh ... it's okay.

I don't ever want to feel this way again. This is why I don't date. People just get hurt. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't - I don't have the energy.

You can't just close yourself off entirely to love though. Would you trade in that first kiss you guys had?

No. But I can't get it back.

It's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all.

Fuck philosophy. I want my heart to stop hurting.

I cannot begin to tell you all how many dates I went on during that time. If the mail man was single, I prolly how you doin-ed him. I even went out with this one dude, I forget how I met him, he was like 40 and took me to this greek restaurant in Westwood and we had dinner with Christian Brando. It was SOOOOOOOO weird. I recognized the last name Brando obviously, but had no idea who Christian was. Fortunately for google I figured that out and never called the guy back. OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! INSANE!!!!!!! (PS. R.I.P. duderino)

Fucking freaky. I've always been good at getting back up from falling down. If I can't fully process something I'll write about it in my journal and compartmentalize my thoughts as much as possible to still figure out how to function. I grieve as much as possible but I'm good at not letting feelings incapacitate me. Just gotta keep on keepin' on! And keep on dating til something sticks!!!

About a month later I get an email from an old high school crush telling me that he is coming out to LA, and would love to hang out. RAAAADDDDDD I thought!!!! This guy was omg - so hot! If anyone can snap me out of this it'll be him!!! Dudes, he was the only guy to ever ask me to a dance!!! For reals! I didn't get asked to prom, but by junior homecoming I got to go with the guy I had the BIIGGEESSTTT crush on!!!! It was weird because he never made a move or anything. He literally took me to homecoming, and dropped me off. Ugh - okay. Teens can be weird and awkward when they're in school, so maybe now this will be our time to shine!!! I HAVE to have sex with someone outside of Romeo. Truly the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

The high school dude came out, and it was fucking weird, man. He was staying with a friend of his from Italy and the chick was a total pussy block. I don't know what her deal was, if they were boning, or had, or whatever - but it was HANDS DOWN one of my weirdest nights in LA. It was like his lack of game magnified over the years, and there I was having polite conversations when all I wanted to do was get my mack on. Compound that fact that this all took place in Pasadena, and you just have a menagerie of messes. Who under the age of 40 lives all the way out in fucking Pasadena?!?!?! Weird.

So yeah, that happened. I don't even think I kissed the dude or anything that night. I remember he walked me to my car, and I think that chickadee was like watching or something. Super fucking creepy. Felt very Bates motel-ish.

I came back to the apartment even more frustrated than normal. If this guy ... THIS GUY couldn't get me over Romeo - no one could.

I frantically searched my room for the note from Super Cuts. I had deleted his number from my phone, and unfortunately not kept an extra copy ... but the note HAAASSSSSS to be somewhere!!!!

I searched high .... low ... under the bed ... around the bed ... in the closet ... under the dresser ... nada. When I say I ripped my room apart, I mean I RIPPPEEEEEEEEEDDDDD THAT ROOM APART looking for that note.

I collapsed in the newly created pile of crap and cried. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, this wasn't how it was supposed to end. When does the pain stop? Why do I still hurt??! Why did he have to lose his fucking job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I googled his name like mad (mind you I moved to LA in the spring of 2004, and this was now almost the end of that year - WAYYYYYYYY ahead of the big social media boom), and turned up nothing. I checked the white pages ... nada. I had an address but wtf am I supposed to do with that?!

Drive bys!!! No, wait, Jen - that's creepy. What happens when he sees you ... oh scuse please, I just so happened to be creepin by your apartment trying to stare into your window. Totally normal. 

I sobbed harder knowing that there was no end to this pain that I was feeling.

A few more months went by ... then came the holidays ... my birthday ... and then New Years ... still no sighting of Romeo. I decided that year to finally join a gym, so I hit up the local LA Fitness. I worked out on my lunch breaks (as there was one walking distance from the office), and almost every night trying to find a place for all this energy I had.

I used the stair master a lot as my ADD was too bad for the treadmill or the elliptical. I climbed down the stair master one day and stared blankly out at the basketball courts which were directly behind them.

Not 30 seconds into me watching, I see this guy stop and point at me. YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I come out of my haze a bit and take a sip of water as he runs to me. 

JEN! It's you! said Romeo. I've been looking all over for you hoping to find you. Can you stay here for a minute, I need to talk to you.

I begin to feel lightheaded.

The moment ... and I mean the MOMENT that I stopped thinking about him, I just so happen to watch a game he is playing basketball in at MY gym!!! I had no fucking idea he even went to this gym. WHHHAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I immediately sit down on the ground not wanting to pass out.

Water, Jen. Drink water. This is real ... and this is happening.

A few minutes later he emerges from the court.

I've been looking everywhere for you - I haven't forgotten about you.

I'm ... shocked.

We start walking towards the gym garage.

How have you been? What have you been up to?

I'm good - I just got promoted. I'm no longer a receptionist. I'm now sort of the general office assistant and I get to edit trailer scripts which I enjoy.

That sounds great!

How have you been?

I'm doing a lot better. I got a new job working as an editor, I'm really pleased with it.

He stops mid-sentence. You look amazing, Jen. 

Thank you. So do you.

Here's my number. Can I see you sometime?

Of course.

I kiss him on the cheek, and walk over to my car, cautious to not look back. Be cool, Jen. Be cool.

I close the car door, and it hits me like a ton of bricks ...

I still love him.

I DASH home from the gym and run inside the apartment shouting to my roommates ... I saw him! I saw him! I saw him!!!!

Saw who?

ROMEO!!!!!!

I thought you were over him - it's almost been a year?

No! I'm not. And this is just like in a movie ... we just happened to bump into each other at the gym. What are the ODDS that I would stop and watch some random basketball game and he JUST HAPPENS to be playing in it. TOTAL COINCIDENCE!!!!!

That is pretty weird.

This is true love ... this has to be true love. If this isn't - I don't know what is.

Later that week he texts me.

::beep:: Wanna come over?

::typing:: sure! b right there ::sent::

I drive over, and he clicks open the gate. AHHHHH yes, the gate! The same gate I had been staring at morning and night on my way to and from work. The same gate that I hoped and prayed he would come out of when I just happened to be on my way to work ... I had fantasies about reconciling with him here. Who knew life would throw me a curve ball and make it happen at the gym!! Hey, I'm not complaining.

He opens my car door and we embrace.

God, I missed you, he says.

We continue to kiss.

We barely make it upstairs before he was inside of me. I remember him being on top, and me touching his chest and he shook and said, I've never been touched by anyone the way you touch me.

I kissed him.

And then we made love. Yep, "made love." Romeo and I didn't bone ... ever. This was passion, this was intense, this was the kinda love that parted seas, and people wrote books about.

I didn't just love Romeo, I loved him more than anything I had ever felt in my entire life. It was all encompassing - and I couldn't BELIEVE that we had bumped into each other again. WHO. DOES. THAT. HAPPEN. TO??!

A couple more weeks go by, and Romeo and I hang out. And when I say hang out, I mean literally ... hang out. He didn't take me out on any dates, he just sort of randomly invited me to come by his place. I understood that it seemed weird to my friends, but I didn't care. I had spent almost a year with this guy out of my life and my heart hurt ... it hurt so bad ... I didn't want to go back to that place.

We made love in his bed, on the couch, in the shower, in his car, I think even on his stairs ... it was hot. I tore him apart, and it was the first time in my life I had actually enjoyed sex. I lost my virginity to a guy who could be a stand in for Ron Jeremy. It was horrible, uncomfortable, and just ... blah. Then I took my best friends virginity in high school, but that was a one timer. Outside of that, I boned a few dudes here and there, but we were just friends and kind of a one off (hahahahahaha a one off to get off. HIGH-LARIOUS!). Romeo was not only my first love, but my first time truly exploring my sexuality. I literally think I wore him out. It was GGGRRREEEAAAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!

I loved Romeo, but after a few months I wanted more. I didn't just want to be friends that hooked up. Yes, I was glad that we were back in each other's lives, but that wasn't enough; I wanted a relationship.

I point blank asked him one day why we weren't dating, and he said he just wasn't ready. A girl in college had really destroyed him emotionally, and while he valued our time together - he just couldn't go to that place again.

FUUUCCKKKKKKKK MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Are you serious right now? Are we gonna do this? We've known each other for a year at this point. I worship you!!!!!! What more do you want from me?!?!?!

I, of course, said none of that.

I think I mustered up the words ... oh ... followed by, alrite.

I had a choice to make. I could stay in this love purgatory, or I could be grateful for what we had, but realize I needed to move on.

I took a deep breath, and went back to making love.

I will stay in love purgatory, spank you very much big brain of mine!!!!!!

We stayed FWB (friends with benefits) for almost a year. Then, around my 21st birthday I said enough was enough. I started to go out to bars, and I quickly realized that there were in fact other fish in the sea. I loved Romeo, I loved him very much ... but I couldn't handle this place that he wanted me to be in his life.

He called me over one last time, and I knew in my heart that this was it. This had to be it ... I just needed one last good bye fuck to make it all better.

I never told him what I was doing, but I slowly stopped answering his texts until it got to the point that he stopped trying.

The break this time felt easier. Maybe because I was in control of it ... I dunno. But like a champ I just picked myself up, and hit the LA bar scene. Well that, and Match.com!

I had a couple of great dates on Match, but still - no kiss matched the kiss from Romeo. Determined to find that prince among the frogs I pretty much made out with half of LA. hahahaha I'm totally not kidding, and I'm totally not ashamed. I didn't bone many guys, as I was still young, and still totally a prude - but gimme a couple shots of SoCo, and whooooooooooiiiiiiieeee!!!!! Hello sexy lover faces!!!

A few more months go by, a new year is celebrated (this is 2006 now for those counting), and I get a text from Romeo. He said he is moving to San Francisco and wants to see me before he goes.

Wait, shut the front door. Romeo is leaving LA? Romeo IS la!!!! How can this be happening?!?!?

I have to see him before he goes - I have to say good bye.

Alrite nerdlings, gonna take a break here. This is getting super duper long! Next up, we say our goodbyes, I get in another relationship, and then a death in the family causes Romeo to re-evaluate things ... tremendously.

Insane.

Insane.

and intense.

UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! This is such a good stooorrrryyyyyyyy!!! Super grateful to share it with you all. Thanks so so much for reading. You all make my life!!! xoxoxoxxoxoxxoxo

click here to read the next chapter

#nerdsunite

 

HAHA DUDES! I can't even begin to tell you how many long lost maybe relatives I've found or have found me via twitter. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHmazing!!! =) =) =) xoxoxox

Monday
Jul042011

#Question: WTF is wrong with me? I just messaged my first love on Facebook - PT. 2

It's crazy when I write these stories out ... first off, I don't consider myself a writer, like at all. I live online, so this is how I communicate. Either way, it's kinda rad, I just re-live the stories and write down as many details as I can find in my experience. OMMMMGGGGG yesterday I spent ALLLLLLLL day in love. It was INTENSE!!!! For REALS! Totally stayed with me ... and now I'm totally ready for part two.

Here's part 1, btw. This is the story of my first love. Our meeting was something that for sure only happened in movies ... but where it goes from here ... gets juicy!

Romeo ... Romeo ... wherefore art thou Romeo?

Oh, here's the song ... Mr. Big! Mr. Big! Mr. Big!

So those first three dates happened rather quickly - over the course of about 2 weeks. It was intense to say the least. Dudes, this guy was SOOOO smart!!! I remember being so UNBELIEVABLY impressed when I found out he made it through A Clockwork Orange. SERIOUSLY?!?! Have you guys tried to read that?? I know obvs it has it's own language and what not, but that is like my holy grail. Straight up, my undiagnosed ADD kept me from reading a single book in school, haha yay forums and cliff notes - but I revered A Clockwork Orange as this mission that one day ... somehow ... I could not only sit through it, but understand it, and be able to have an intelligent conversation about it. The fact that he read my holy grail just warmed my esophagus and tickled my tibula.

Those first two weeks were pretty rad. He was confident in himself, where he was going with his career - and he seemed pretty happy go lucky ... it was refreshing.

There are no words to truly describe how ON. MY. ASS. IN. LOVE. this guy made me feel. A single kiss ... and I almost fainted. I was 19 at the time, and a total relationship n00b. Although yes, I had sex a few times, but those were just my guy friends and it was more for exploratory purposes ... this was different. This was the first time in my life I had ever felt chemistry with someone. Huge. Huge. Huge. deal for a chick.

Then, one Thursday night, I get a text: 

I got fired.

Three words. Three little words with one BIG impact.

::typing:: u ok? want me to come over? ::sent::

::beep:: yah

I drive over to his place which only took about 5 minutes. Yay for being GD! (Geographically desirable)

He clicks open his garage gate. I pull through.

I look over to the left and see him standing there somber ... sullen.

I get out of the car, and hug him.

He squeezes me - tight.

He exhales as he says, let's go inside.

I stare into his sad puppy dog eyes and my heart breaks.

Never having been fired, and not knowing what to say, I offer the only words I can think of - I'm so sorry.

Me too, he replied.

We walk upstairs from the garage and into his apartment.

Wanna watch a movie?

Sure.

We sat down on the couch and he told me as best as he could what happened. If memory serves me correct it was inner office bullshit politics mixed with budget cuts. It was weird though, LA is SUCHHHHH a small world that he worked for a studio, and I worked in movie marketing- I knew his boss. This person called the office all the time to speak to our VP. Kinda funny how those things worked out. I never liked 'em - they were always super curt to me. (Be nice to assistants and receptionists kiddies!!!! The big wigs always asked me who I liked the most and who was mean. mwahahahahaha!! Karma!)

We sat and talked all night about what he was going to do next. He had been writing this script that he said he finally wanted to focus on. Maybe work on a film he had in his back pocket ... he wasn't entirely sure, but he knew this wasn't the end of him being in LA. An obstacle, yes - the end, no.

I stayed for a few more hours that night. I don't remember what movie we watched, nor do I remember if we boned that night at all ... I just sat there and listened to him. I wasn't sure what to say, or how to comfort, so I just shut up and observed.

You better go, he said.

You sure you're going to be okay? I don't mind spending the night.

No, it's alrite. I need some time to think things over.

We walked back down to the garage, and he opened the gate for me to pull through. I waved goodbye and blew a kiss.

The next day while sitting at work I sent him a text.

::typing:: just checking in. U 0k? ::sent::

No reply back.

Thought that was kinda weird, but whatevs - he's going through a lot ... space can be provided.

A few more days go by. Nothing.

The following week I decide to call him - it goes to voicemail. 

Hey, it's Jen. Just making sure you're okay. Haven't heard from you in a bit, wanted to just say that I was thinking of you. Call me if you have a chance. Bye.

A few more days go by ... then I get a call.

Him: Hey.

Me: Hey!

Him: How are you?

Me: I'm alrite. More importantly how are YOU?

Him: I'm okay. Wanna come over?

Me: Absolutely. Be there in a few.

I grabbed some non-smelly clothing from the floor and drove over to his place. He clicks me into the garage, I pull inside.

I get out of my car, and he starts kissing me - passionately.

I wrap my arms around him ... let's go inside, he whispers in my ear.

We barely make it up to his room before all of our clothes are off.

*Insert some Wham. Bam. Thank you ma'am and about 20 minutes later.*

I start asking how he is feeling while we are laying in bed, he turns to me and says, you better get back. I have to start looking for a job in the morning.

Uh, okay, I think to myself as I get up and start to gather my clothing.

We're not gonna talk? Like at all? Just sex? Really? I think.

Bye, he says as I get in my car and he clicks me out of the gate.

I drive home in a state of confusion. Why is he being like this? I know losing a job to a dude is a pretty big deal, but I thought he would be different. He's 25! Come on!

I walk inside the apartment and like always, was greeted by one of the roomies.

<tangent> When I first moved to LA I found a place on Craigslist in Palms (a section of Culver City) and not only shared a room but had 3 roomies who all had live in significant others. Needless to say, it was a very. very. very. tight fit - but not bad for $400 a month! </tangent>

How'd it go? She said

I don't know I say not wanting to talk, as I snuck inside my bedroom. My actual bedroom-mate was sleeping, so I just put the covers up over my head and fell asleep.

A couple of days go by before I hear from him again. Then I get a text:

I like u Jen. I really do. But I cant handle a relationship right now. If u want 2 have some fun, I'm game, otherwise - I'm sry.

I stare down at the text not wanting to accept its existence. But, we had chemistry, I thought! That doesn't happen everyday. This is JUST like they say in the movies ... it has to be true love. It has to be! I'm unwilling to believe that it can't be!

I text back ...

::typing:: wut do u mean? ::sent::

::beep:: I cant do this. i cant be ur boyfriend. we can hook up, but that has to be it.

My heart sank. I had been so used to hooking up with my guy friends in the past, but this was the first guy that I liked ... that I really really really liked -this was so different than before, this was the FIRST time in my life I actually wanted a relationship, and I was being shot down.

<tangent> Huge. Huge. Huge. Deal for me to like a boy. I mean HUUUGGEEE!!! I never dated guys in school as I was so focused on working hard so I could graduate early. Literally, my entire academic career - not a single boyfriend. I never went to college, so I never had that experience. I went straight from high school to a year spent working, to a year in NYC. That was it. And I was so young and so focused on my studies in NYC that I very honestly didn't have time to date, nor was I of age to even drink. I worked so so so so hard. This was the first time I was not only geographically present and not looking forward to a move anytime soon, but this was the first guy I actually WANTED To get close to. BIG deal. HUGE HUGE HUGE! </tangent>

A single tear streamed down my face ... followed by its twin, and triplet.

I text him back:

::tying:: I cant do that. I like you Romeo. I really really really fucking like you. ::sent::

::beep:: sry

I. was. DEVASTATTTEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!

Wait, hold on, that's not dramatic enough - we need to add a few more Ds ...

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

So much better.

UUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I cried for days. And days. And days. I had told the world about Romeo, so of course everyone popped by for an update. Friends, roommates, co-workers ... I told them all.

Well, it was going great, and then he lost his job, and I dunno - couldn't take it all?

I was doing anything to protect my ego. I knew this guy liked me, you couldn't fake what we had. Chemistry is tangible and undeniable.

I didn't have a blog at that time, but I did have my journals. I grabbed a pair of headphones and started writing down my thoughts.

This black journal is the story of Romeo. Tear stained pages and all.

It wasn't his fault obviously. He didn't know he was going to lose his job, but to me, someone who never opened up to a single guy ... ever ... it was a huge, and devastating loss. This was the first time my heart had felt love, and the first time my heart had been broken. I didn't just want a fuck buddy, over the years I had those - I was ready for love, and I thought he was it.

I lost myself in my writing, and deleted his number from my phone.

::pen to paper:: I'll never love again.

Alrite nerdlings. Part 3 coming in a bit. Like any movie beginning, there is a movie middle. We find each other again ... in a very dramatic fashion. BUT I gotta edit this project I'm STILL working on. Due tomorrow. FMMMLLLLLLL!!!! I hate deadlines when you have ADD. Coffee just isn't enough. Back I go! Thanks so so much for reading and commenting everyone. Sorry the comments on the actual site are turned off right now, I'm also in the process of adding the Facebook social plug-in and encountered some problems. I'll fix it today or tomorrow, so sit tight!!! Peace love and lollipops!! xoxoxo

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