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<editorsnote> Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world.  We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!! </editorsnote>

 

 

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Friday
Apr292011

#NerdsUnite: An Analysis of 103 #OkCupid Dates in 9 Months

AHHHHH ... where to begin with this post. I don't even know. It still blows my mind that I've been out on that many dates in less than a year, but whatevs, I'm going to own it.

So, last summer ... my buddy told me I was working too much and not socializing enough with duderinos. Fine. Fine. I get it ... I work a lot ... She suggested me getting on OKCupid as it is the nerdiest of nerdy dating sites and they use math to get you dates.

Rad ... you had me at algorithm.

ugh - I'm trying to be funny, and it's failing miserably. I am fucking pissed that I went out on ONE HUNDRED AND THREE DATES in NINE ... NINE MONTHS ... and I am still single.

Fuck me in the mother fucking goat ass.

K ... I feel better; the being honest part helps a lot. Here lemme get a song up to write this ...

Maneater? Mehhhhhh ... I'm not a maneater. Well, not intentionally. Hold on, changing.

WHOMP THERE IT IS!!

So, I created my profile in July of last year - and was IMMMEEDDIIAAAATEELLLYYY inundated with messages. Like straight up, apparently being a chick that runs a website is like uber hot to dudes because I very literally maxed my inbox out in just a couple days (that's over 500 messages, kiddies). Bat shit. I had no idea what I was looking for in dudes, so the filtering process proved to be a bit challenging. My record prior had been a bunch of GQ looking boys that were dumb as fucking rocks. The ONE thing I loved about dating the mentalist was that for the first time in my life I felt like I was dating someone as smart as me. (Well, technically speaking, I am actually smarter than him. No, like in a very literal sense - I have a guaranteed higher IQ based on the ability to execute alone. MWAHAHA!!! Suckkaaaa!)

I digress ... so now I had all of these messages sitting in my inbox, but I had no idea what I was really looking for. I've never, ever had a type. Even if you look at the boys I've dated in the past - they were all attractive in their own right, but not a ONE looked a like. Hey in math randomness is a pattern, I'm owning it.

OKC rates each users compatibility based on being a Match/ Friend/ and Enemy.

 

The problem with me is that I think way more like a dude than a chick. I was literally a 75% match or more with 90% of my inbox. Do the math, that's 450 messages - that is a LOT of dudes.

If 75% is my "norm" based on the boys that use this site - I guesstimated that "higher than average" would suffice and be at around 85%. I decided that to conduct this experiment I would only go out on a dates with guys that I ranked 85% with or higher in the match category. After all, I wasn't on this site to look for friends or enemies - clearly ... mama wants to get some, and get it in while she's young!!! RAWWRRRR!!

85% it was.

I started filtering through the messages, and replied back to all of the guys that were 85% and higher. Attraction to me is based on a sense of "owning it." If a dude is so comfortable in his own skin and owns every bit of everything he has, he becomes that much more attractive. No, like literally, a 5 can be a 10 if he can own it. It's about embracing what makes you unique which is unbelievably counter intuitive to the way we were raised ... in high school standing out meant people picked on you. As an adult however, and particularly in regards to dating - it's an aphrodisiac.

How can I filter through guys that "own it" on a dating website? It all starts with your pictures ...

We reveal a LOT about ourselves in social media. Like I've said in the past, even your default speaks VOLUMES about who you are as a person. Are you alone in your picture? With other people? Do you use photo filters? Are you wearing hats or glasses? How frequently do you change your default? All of these things come into play ... and I can read all of these things about people. Albeit, you have to take a lot of their profile into play as well - there is no real science to this, but it's proven more accurate than not that I can get a feel for someone and filter the messages down even more.

I was looking for pictures that told a story. TELL ME THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE IN YOUR PICTURES!!!! A series of webcam pics with various expressions totally blow. No, like straight up. Here, look at my pictures ...

My twitter avatar, but I also took this picture myself (literally, my left arm is extended and it's zoomed in) before a really great night out with my friends. I used this specifically as my default so people from twitter could identify me.

This one I just really liked. I had just started the site, and loved my old room.

This was purely for shameless self promotion. Like period. End of sentence.

Riding cross country with Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top. Hands down, top 5 favorite moment of my life.

Hands down top THREE favorite moment of my life. I was on The Price is Right in March of 2005.

The moment I got a response back from Foursquare saying they liked my site and they liked my idea that I had for them. Love me some Naveen, snapped this literally as I was reading his email (LG external monitor on top shelf).

Me facing my biggest fear. Clearly it was a scary moment ... hahaha!!!

Took this in when TNTML hit a record amount of uniques. Was so fucking rad!

So, yeah - that's my life. These are things that all mean something to me, and represent who I am at my core. You can tell a LOT about who I am based on these pictures alone. I looked for the same in guys. I don't care if you have a commercially attractive default, a guy that shows a sense of adventure and has a bit of a playful side will win HANDDDSSSS down every time!

Tangent: I personally tried to stay away from guys that had dogs (as I travel so much, and was looking for a partner in crime in that regard), but hey, I wasn't mad at dudes with 'em either. Love me some animals; I kept that limitation in mind without it being a disqualifier.

After I looked through the users pictures, I would move to the profile. Like your pictures (it's not how attractive you may appear to be in them, it's the pictures you choose to say yes, this is how I represent myself to the world), it's not necessarily what someone says in a profile, but how they say it.

I am a deeply deeply sarcastic human being, and I very rarely take myself seriously; that bleeds from my profile.

"I enjoy talking like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire when he picks up the phone and does the horrible Indian-like voice of "I ... am ... job." If you ever call me and answer the phone like that, I might have to have your baby."

I don't say hey, I'm fun and I'm adventurous ... no, you can tell that I'm fun based on the weird shit that I write, and you can tell that I'm adventurous clearly because I went skydiving. Anyone that blatantly put, I'm fun immediately got the ax. If you're not witty or sharp enough to actually find something funny to put in your damn profile we are not at all going to get along. Like period. End of sentence.

That narrowed the results down even more.

I wasn't interested in having dinner with everyone (dinner takes too long. I'm very efficient and very ADD - if I'm not feeling it, I will leave.), so I agreed to grab a beer with willing participants. Again though, I put a disclaimer on my profile indicating that I was in fact conducting a social experiment, and if they had a problem with potentially being written about, I was not the person they wanted to date. Bottom line, the dudes knew what they were getting into, and were pretty cool about it.

All of the dates were a total blast. There were less than 5 that I can honestly say I didn't enjoy, and only 2 that I actually wanted to walk out from. The OKC algorithm is AMMAAZIINNNGGG at matching people, but chemistry is intangible. I was curious to find the organic root of attraction. What are the butterflies we say we feel when we meet that special someone? If I no longer believe in this notion of there being a "one" or a "soul mate," - what is the "it" then? And how can I solve for it?

It took me 96 dates to find out that the "it" was me. Life is reflective. What I was attracted to in dudes was something that resonated deeply in myself - I am emotionally unavailable.

Out of 96 dates, I had found that there were only 4 that I wanted to pursue something more with (there were 10 second dates ... but 6 of 'em got the ax). Of those 4, the only common denominator in each of them was that they were all emotionally unavailable. They had all recently come out of something with someone, were in a time of transition - just were not 100% able to give themselves to someone. (See this post for the breakdown)

FUUCCCKKK me in the goat ass, again.

Having that as my constant, and not fully aware of what my next doable action was - I decided to face said emotional unavailability within myself with the understanding of life's reflectiveness, that something would change. I then wrote the epic saga, This is a story about #love, but this is not a love story. It addressed how I had my heart broken, and how that was the catalyst for starting this site - etc. It's a really fucked up story to be honest, and definitely a lot to read ... but peeps dug it, and for that I am grateful. Felt great to release.

While I was writing those posts, I had a few more dates. 99, and 100 were weird. 99 was pretty rad. Really really really cool dude, but his timing was horrible. Also too, he's latin. Latin men are very protective, seductive, and like to be close to females. I do. not. like. to. be. touched. Don't touch me unless I touch you. Period end of sentence. So, his timing was horrible for taking me out on a date during that series of posts, and the fact that he can't help but organically be a very expressive lover meant we totally weren't a match. Anyway ... it wasn't until I hit 101 that I truly had an amazing date. Really really really nice boy. Is into psychology, reading body language - kinda freaked me out actually. I wondered how much he had read up about me, but then I very genuinely read on his face that he didn't know much.

Oh yeah, I have tests I give dudes throughout the night to spot the fame seekers. I can tell if a dude knows a lot about me and what I do based on a series of questions I would ask them throughout the night. It was dependent upon whatever was posted on the site at that time, but I would repeat myself often and wait for them to cut me off saying they had read it. If they didn't and pretended like it was the first time they heard it, I would be able to tell they were lying based on certain facial reactions they had. That part I got - I am DAMMNN good at spotting that shit.

Had 3 amazing nights with 101 (one night he just stopped by to say hi and dropped me off at a coffee shop), but alas after our second date - dinner, he got weird and sent me a text saying that he couldn't believe he just boned an internet celebrity. Yep, we totally got it on after dinner in an alley in Venice (dude, I'm such a classy broad) - and when he got home he texted that to me. I was like NOOOOOOOO!!!! Way to ruin it. That's a total dealbreaker for me.

I'm a lifecaster. My job is to live life and report back what I am experiencing in the form of stories told as close to being in real time as possible. If some guy is going to be a part of my equation and be conscious of me writing about it, etc - it's not honest or organic; I very genuinely want someone who isn't phased by it. I even tell dudes, don't read the site while we are going out on dates because I'm going to be able to read on your face that you are reading it, and when I say something to you and you've already read it - I'm going to know that you've read it based on your reaction and then I'm going to have to pretend that I don't know that I know that you know, and it's going to get weird. (HAHA did any of that make sense? OMG my head hurts - but I hope you catch my drift)

He hasn't stopped emailing me. Bless the dudes heart, but not gonna happen. Whether it's a joke or not, I don't care. Disqualifier. NEXT!

I can honestly say there were less than 10 that I knew of that were fame seekers. I filtered them out pretty quickly. There were only a handful that straight up petitioned to go out on a date with me, and one of them I wound up living with for 2 months in a completely platonic way. He's literally family to me now, and we were off the charts on Match and Friend. OKC really really really knows their shit.

I was a bit taken a back by how many people were genuinely intrigued by what I was doing. No, like literally - it was not my intention to get buzz from this thing, just post honest reactions - and occasionally have a post or two chiming in from our dating coach, The Art of Charm's Jordan Harbinger, on what guys can do about these problems that I am addressing.

Like for example, one dude I dated totally friended one of my best friends on Facebook without ever meeting him. COMPLETELY creeped me out ... and is a HUGE faux pas. Here's what Jordan had to say about it:

It was my intention to date, be brutally honest, but at least not leave guys hating me - but having next doable actions on what they can do in the future to not be labeled a "creeper" or be put in the "friend zone."

Here are some frequently asked questions:

 

Answer: None were completely different than their profile. You can't lie in social media. Even if you think that you are, I guarantee you, you are not. I scoped out Facebook profiles, twitter feeds (when applicable). I knew all of the guys I went out on a date with before I even met them. Gone are the days of anonymity online and being able to put up a "front." I knew what I was getting into with each one.

Answer: Guys that owned it. Period end of sentence ... but see above for more of the breakdown.

 

Answer: OMG almost all of them!!! I very literally found some amazing friends through OKC, and a LOOOTTTT of business peeps. Literally, so many dudes just wanted to pick my brain and still call me for various things. Absolutely incredible. I don't regret a minute of it, and I never got sick of it.

 

Answer: First nighter? I think you mean people that I slept with on the first night? Only one! That was the dude I went out on a date with in Culver City and woke up in Santa Barbara. I didn't sleep with that many guys to be honest. Out of the 11 second dates, I'd say I slept with less than 6 for sure. I know I slept with all 4 of the ones I wanted the relationship with, hence why I wanted the relationship ... the sex was good. I'm sure I just threw a few a bone because I was horny.

 

Answer: Almost immediately, but I would for scientific purposes definitely measure it within the first hour. I'm also a very cut and dry kinda person - I have no problem making up my mind, and my gut has never proven me wrong (although I look forward to the day).

 

Answer: UMMM tough one! My favorite date was one at Griffith Park Observatory. I had never been, and that place was SOOOOO coooolllll!!!! Jones on Santa Monica is also awesome. I took most of my dates to Dillons in Hollywood, because they have shock top on tap haha. I'm a dive bar kinda chick - I don't dig the loud music, just give me good beer and a quiet nook and I'm a happy camper.

 

Answer: That I have a lot of healing to do from my broken heart, but I am super super super proud of myself for at least trying. You can't fail if you just try, at least you'll get experience. I can now say, I am a VERY experienced dater. HA!

Another question I get asked all the time is how I could sit through all of those questions of ... "so, tell me about yourself ..."

That's the thing about OKC though, you can find all of that out already. I also just adore people and hearing their stories - so I was absolutely never ever bored on a date, and was only asked a handful of times for me to tell them about myself ... these guys knew what they were getting themselves into, and were intrigued.

So, bottom line - out of all of these dates, I learned the truth of life's reflective nature; people just are and we are all just being. It is how you interpret those experiences and tell the story to yourself that dictates your state of consciousness and your state of being.

I assure you, I am not taking any pride in this, but this is just part of my story. Of course I am angry that the 4 dudes that I liked didn't feel it back - but again I am taking responsibility and ownership of that in saying what in me was attracted to them?

I have recently addressed that I do not like to be touched, and clearly online dating is not going to get me over that - so for my next leg of the experiment I will be going offline (albeit documenting online), and putting myself in situations at bars where I can be touched in the hopes of conducting aversion therapy to get through my issues.

I'm stoked man! The next social experiment is sponsored by Effing Gear - and at least by wearing their shirts out at bars, I KNOOOOOWWWW guys are going to talk to me. They're super soft!! BAH! Can't stand it - love 'em! Tune in next week for more of my findings. Really really really curious what is going to attract me to random dudes at a bar - I've never. ever. been a bar chick, but hey, it's something new to try, and will hopefully help me get over my aversion to being touched!!! Maybe all my experiment proved is that the "it" I was trying to solve for really is a mystery, and cannot be solved. You can have all the compatibility and all the matches in the world - but what makes you have chemistry with someone?? At least by isolating as many of the variables as possible I can say with more of a definitive answer ... BAHH!!! So exciting!!!

I'm just going to stop focusing on looking for a relationship in one capacity or another and just enjoy every night of the experiment. Just let it be, and let it organically unfold.

I'm not going to post in Hollywood what bars I will be hitting up and when, but feel free to follow me on FourSquare, and you can at least stop by one of my checkins.

Thanks for the interest, and thanks for reading!

#nerdsunite

Did I mention that one of my 103 dates was female??

 

Tuesday
Apr192011

#OpenLetter: Dear grandma and grandpa, dudes - you guys totally sucked 

I've been wanting to write about this for a while, but wasn't even sure what to say - or where to begin as it is a terribly involved story. I didn't know if my confusion rested in fear, or shame, or just flat out apathy. Not sure. I can say though, I am DEFINITELY not apathetic towards these people ... so I figure I might as well just release whatever is in there and see what comes out.

HIT IT COLLECTIVE SOUL!!!

So, last week was the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing (mom's side). Did this whole shabang on it, and told you guys that they were my only set of grandparents. I do biologically have other grandparents, but I never knew them.

Alrite dirty laundry, you ready for some breathing room?

Here's the story of my grandparents ... or what I knew of them.

My grandfather was an INCREDIBLY well respected psychiatrist. Like crazy respected ... like so respected Oprah's BFF Gayle King totally interviewed him when I was a wee one. The man was brilliant, there's no doubt about it ... but apparently he had no idea how to fix any of his own issues.

Alrite, hold the phone for a sec, I will preface this by saying that I am realizing with each keystroke just the amount of anger that I have for these people. This is just my side of it, and what I experienced as a child to an adult. Do I think they are dried gum on the bottom of my shoe? Yes. But at the same time, I am going to be conscious of said anger and still try to tell these stories as neutral as possible for the sake of storytelling, while remaining entirely realistic that I don't know if its possible.

To understand this story, we have to go back pretty far ... way before I was even born. (That long ago! GASP!)

My grandparents never liked my mother. I don't know why, or how, or whatever - but they were total snobs. My parents are freaks of nature. They met in grade school, got married, and have been each others ones onlys and everythings for their entire life. Like literally, you can search all of the world and never even come CLOSE to the love that my parents have for each other. Just not at all possible ... and trust, I've been out on 103 dates in 9 months - I can say with CONVICTION that it's not possible.

My grandfather used to say to my dad when he was growing up that he should marry a super model and not settle for less.

Um, grandpa, have you seen my mom? She looks like Lady Di (pre the accident) and is a total Betty (Tangent: She actually used to get stopped on the street after she passed. People swore up and down it was her as her hair was even the same length at the time. Totally crazy). That part I will continue to scratch my head at for as long as I live. My mom is beautiful. Like period end of sentence - why my grandfather sat there and did not see that is beyond me.

So, my grandparents for whatever wackadoodle reason declared all out war on my mama, and told my dad that if they got married - they weren't going to be a part of it.

No like literally. Can you imagine finding the love of your life, wanting to spend the rest of your life with said love, and your parents saying they want nothing to do with it?

I literally cannot imagine what my dad experienced in that moment. If I recall as well, his brother was supposed to be best man, and didn't show up. I don't know - the details of the wedding have been told to me 100,000 times, and it still makes me cringe. Bottom line, they never showed up to my parents wedding. Amazing start to a new life, right?

My parentals get hitched, and not too long after, my loverly brother shows up in this world. My dad has 3 siblings, two sisters, and a brother - but my dad was the first one to actually pop out a kid. See ... here's my brother ...

My brother was this beacon of shining hope in my dad's and my grandparents relationship. Suddenly when the first grandchild came around, shit got real, and they decided - hey, maybe we can get our act together and be a family. 

MAAYYYBBBBBEEEEE 

They weren't necessarily nice to my mother at that point, but they tolerated her, and she tolerated them since she loved my father. Besides, score 1 for my mom since she produced the first grandchild - ANNNDDDDD it was a boy who could carry on the family name. 

(Does this not totally sound like some mid-evil shit? THIS WAS THE EIGHTIES!!!)

2 years and 11 months go by, and oh happy happy joy joy - a little bundle named Jen pops out.

Like my outfit? Dude, I so had my fancy pants on that day.

At that time, I went over to my grandparents house a lot, and loved it as they had SOOOOOO many fun toys to play with. They were super well off, and just spoiled us rotten.

Oh yeah, did I mention that? My grandparents were like super rich. Like Connecticut type rich where people throw piles of money at each other for shits and giggles.

When my parents got married, they made it abundantly clear that my father would be cut off. From everything. Forever.

My dad being the fucking AHMAZING human being that he is, said fine. And walked away. That was a no brainer. He loved my mom so madly and so deeply nothing else mattered.

Like any newlywed couple they struggled at first; they were both in college, lived in a super small apartment and when my brother came along the finances that were tight to begin with - got FREAKISHY tighter ... but my parents managed. I don't know how, but I do give them a lot of credit for it.

A few years went by and all was not well, but at least manageable. Then, my dad's sisters started popping out their own kids.

I was mildly kosher by not having to be the center of attention anymore ... after all, I now have little babies to play with. Dude, I was happier than a pig in shit - I loved it. I clearly had no idea what was going on during those times, I knew that I had toys and could play with this little blobby looking but breathing things on holidays and birthdays.

The first two babies that my dad's sisters had were girls, so I took an immediate backseat. I might have looked like a Friel but I was equally made up of my mother. That was no bueno. They also thought that because both of my parents were the youngest that that must have meant that I was spoiled more, so they decided they would take matters into their own hands and even out the score.

When I was four, I no longer became Jennifer ... they started calling me "Jenna" - and my brother became their number one grandson. Literally, because at the time he was their only grandson - but alas, that became their favorite term of endearment.

On my sixth birthday, I remember running ... not even walking ... running up to my grandma when she walked into our house screaming grandma! grandma! grandma! and her looking down to me saying, where's my number one grandson? 

That's actually one of my earliest memories. It's just so vivid - she had MY birthday present in her hand, and I stood there ... looking up to her - all 5'3 to my 3'5 - going, uh oh, this doesn't feel good.

I didn't cry - but I was just sort of stunned.

My parents didn't ever greet me like that, nor did my mom's parents (we referred to them as Grabey and Popey ... don't ask where those names came from. My cousin Eric could not say grandma for the life of him).

It only got worse the older I got, and every birthday became more and more of a heartbreak. See, here's another kicker - I was also born on my dad's sister's birthday. One would think a totally grown woman would be fine with that, but no ... apparently in their world, I picked that day out of spite. HAHA! Dudes, I kid you not.

Their gifts to me were so weird as well. For birthday and Christmas they would buy my brother bikes, sleeping bags, tents, superly duperly fun stuff ... I got Waterford. I'm like 6, what am I supposed to do with that?

Tangent: They were so funny too ... in my grandparents house, they left all of the green tags on their crystal to indicate that it was in fact Waterford (since it is so posh and sooooo expensive). Dude, how mini-pearl can you get? I even saw once in my dad's sisters house a little piece of tape over the green sticker since apparently it fell off. HAHAHAHAHAAHAH fucking priceless.

It was a terribly confusing time for me growing up. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with these things, a glass here, a vase there - I'm not even in double digits and you're preparing me for a house that apparently one day I am supposed to have, yet I have no comprehension of even when summer is? It was so bat shit. Oh and mind you too, the Waterford was when I was younger and when they actually liked me. One year I got a disney sweatshirt, and a used day planner. No literally, there was a stain on it. I went to the store to return it - obviously not seeing the stain and the guy just felt so bad that I actually got this as a gift, that he looked the other way and let me return it. I was mortified.

Again, I know talking about all of these gifts and such does make me sound terribly shallow - but you have to understand how DELIBERATE all of this was. These people just did not like me or my mother ... at all. But of course, this is Connecticut so they weren't going to come right out and say that, they were just going to do weird fucked up passive aggressive things so you internalize it since at that point they don't know about it.

Tweet tweet tweet she would say as she bounced my brother on her knee ... I would then run over, my turn, my turn! No Jenna. (THAT'S NOT EVEN MY NAMMMMEEEEE!!!)

December 8th (my birthday) rolled around every year like clockwork, and not a single call from my grandparents or my aunts and uncles. Like at all.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! What did I do so wrong?? Why don't they love me?

Age 6 ...

Age 7 ...

Age 8 ...

Age 9 ...

Age 10 ...

Every year my parents would hug me, not knowing how to respond to my hurt and confusion.

Was I a bad girl? Why am I being punished, I would cry into their loving arms. 

Like pouring salt on an open wound, my brother's birthday is 3 weeks to the day after mine, and EVVEERRRYYYYY YEEAAAARRRRRRR all of them called him to wish him a happy birthday.

::tape rewinds on the answering machine ... play::

hi, it's grandma and grandpa ... happy birthday to our number one grand..... click. My parents shut it off.

I screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

I had YEAAARRRRRSSSSSS of lung expansion as a child.

I would run into my brothers room crying, jumping up on his big bed ... Michael Sean, why don't they love me? Placing my hands on his chest - what do you have inside of there that I don't?

Wow ... again with the tears. 

 He replied, I'm so sorry Jenny. I'm so sorry.

My dad tried having lunches with my grandmother over the years - and they just fell on deaf ears. She didn't see that she was doing anything wrong, and had no idea what he was talking about. My father threw his arms up in frustration. FINE

Then, came 7th grade. We at the time had been living in Bristol, Connecticut - but my brother was being a total butthead in school, and wound up having to go to private school. I, on the other hand, was student of the year (literally ... like student of the fucking year), and wanted to go to private school too to get a better education like my brother. (HAHA! Remember the simpsons episode where Lisa wants to go to military school? that was totally me.) My parents were frustrated by the school system in Bristol, so they decided that it was about time the family moved.

Around that same time, my grandparents were looking to sell their HUUGGEEEE house in West Hartford for a more modest abode down by the shore. Totes mcgotes kosher, but the house was in a bunch of magazines - it had been built by a student of Frank Lloyd Wright ... had 98 windows, a HUGE stone wall with a cave room, and the living room alone was half the size of a professional basketball court. That house was epic. Literally, one of the most beautiful homes I have still ever seen. My grandfather being, well my grandfather, didn't want to just up and sell it to anyone. He raised his family in that house! He offered to let his children buy it from him. Mind you, full price - but none of my dad's siblings wanted it, or could afford it - I don't remember. Either way, the school system in West Hartford is AHHHH-MMAAZIINNNGG!!! Like ranked nationally, dude, my high school was more difficult than most colleges. My parents made an incredibly difficult decision, they decided to buy my grandparents house.

Tangent: Did I mention at that time how well my parents were doing for themselves that they could even AFFORD that house?!?!? My mama started her own business as a communications consultant for insurance companies, and my dad was a corporate lawyer. HAHAHAHAHA!! Success is the best revenge. 

I was so confused when it all went down. We're moving into ... THERE?!?!?!?

I was excited to go to a new school, as Bristol did not challenge me ... at all ...but I was definitely feeling super confused at the same time as to why or how all of this was going down. I'm convinced to this day that my parents bought that house seeking some sort of validation, or hoping to repair some sort of something with my grandparents. 

A few disharmonious months go by, as the energy in that house was unbelievably horrible, and it is my birthday. My 13th birthday. 

Again, still trying to declare all of the previous years actions as water under the bridge, we decided to throw a family birthday party on my actual birthday, and invited my dad's family.

I was in the dining room setting the good china on the table. I look over to my mom as she walks in, somber, quiet - the opposite a kid who is turning 13 should ever expect to see on her mother's face ... Jennifer, I have to tell you something.

What, mom?

Jennifer - they're not coming.

I stood there for a moment and didn't say anything.

My mom wrapped her arms around me ... so hard ... and holds me ... so tight.

Every. last. one. of. them. stood me up.

Tears stream down my mom's face as she whispers in my ear, I am so sorry baby. I don't know what is wrong with those people - but I will never EVER let them hurt you again. Her voice progressively got louder the angrier she got - THIS IS IT! She pulls away, I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL OF THEM!!!!! THEY CAN GO TO HELL FOR ALL THAT I CARE!!!

I stay strong for my mother and say, it's okay mom. You guys are here, I have Michael Sean, the dogs - it's a great birthday ... I struggled to smile, but was eventually able to force one out.

Both of my parents approached me at that point as they hugged me and told me just how much they loved me.

I excused myself for a moment, and said I was going to use the restroom.

I walked over to the library, and into the little bathroom. (Literally you could take a pee and wash your hands at the same time. Smallest. Bathroom. Ever.)

I look up at the sky, as I open my mouth, but completely incapable of articulating a single word ... WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!

Tears ran down my face. I wasn't even sniffling- these were more involuntary expressions of anger that escaped my soul.

I composed myself as best as I could as I was genuinely getting sick and tired of my parents continually feeling sorry for me. I blew out the candles, and excused myself from the table thanking my parents for the lovely birthday, but saying that I was tired - and should really rest up for school in the morning.

I crawled into bed, and wondered why I was even born. Every year, the same thing - why? What did I ever do wrong? Please just tell me, I'll fix it, please tell me, what did I ever do wrong?? Why ... just ... why was I even born? 

My parents tried so hard to give me and my brother all of the opportunities in the world, yet the one thing ... the ONEEEE thing their daughter wanted more than ANNYYTHIINNNNGGGG in all of the world, they couldn't give.

At that point, they both decided to give up.

I remember waking up the next morning, and felt like a used tissue. No actually, tissues have lotion on them, and can be quite soothing ... I was more like sanded down sand paper. Just sort of there, and emotionally a complete fucking wreck.

I hate my life. 

::Flash forward two years:: The doorbell rings. 

I looked through the peep hole, and am shocked at what I see ... it was my grandfather. At that point we stopped all contact. Like all contact. 

I take a step back from the door, completely, totally, and utterly shocked - my grandfather is ... here?

I open the door, not angry, not sad, just shocked.

I look him in the eye, and say hi, kind, but still searching for something. 

Hi, he says. Is Michael home? (My dad is also named Michael - so it was entirely possible he was asking for my father ... but again, this was the middle of the afternoon during the week ... so prolly not.)

I SLAMMMM the door. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! Your granddaughter that you haven't talked to in two years, the granddaughter that you emotionally tortured for practically her entire life greets you in a NEUTRAL manner ... not angry, not anything - just NEUTRAL ... you don't even ask how I am, YOU ASK FOR MY FUCKING BROTHER?!?! Why didn't you just ask for your number one grandson you fucking asshole?!?!!

I start crying as I run to my brother telling him grandpa was here. He was watching TV in the library, and he goes - wait, what?! YES! HERE! 

My brother goes to the door, as I threw myself onto the couch declaring defeat on my emotional stability. What do these people want from me? What did I ever do to them? Just leave me alone, please just go away. Just go awwwaaayyyyyyy! I scream into the couch cushion.

My brother comes back and attempts to console me. Jen, he goes, grandpa thought you were my girlfriend. You're grown up, he just didn't know.

Yep. My grandfather looked his own flesh and blood in the eye, and didn't recognize her.

My brother informed him of his mistake, but the damage was done. The damage ... was done. 

A few more years go by, I graduated from high school, and I still didn't speak to anyone in my dad's family. I had been working at a modeling agency at night teaching classes, and in the morning working at Starbucks at Bishops Corner to earn some extra money for NY - as I was planning on moving there in a few months.

One day while working the front counter, I notice two women walking in - one of whom looked familiar.

I squint my eyes wondering if I magically got transported to the Sahara and am merely seeing a mirage. I stood there motionless - shocked and stunned.

OMG it's grandma. This is happening in MY starbucks!!! The one I WORKED AT in WEST HARTFORD!!! She doesn't live here anymore, omg, what to do! Quick busy work - none. Quick - grab co-worker. NONE! Brian, the guy I had that shift with - was on break ... I can't leave ... I can't move ... she walks closer. Literally, nothing came out of my mouth ... at all (thank god she wasn't a secret shopper).

She proceeds to order her tea. I say nothing - my jaw dropped ... I ring up her order, my hands shaking as I touch the computer screen.

I reach out to collect her $1.48 searching in her eyes for a hint of recognition ... nothing. 

She grabs her tea and turns away continuing her conversation with her friend. 

I take two steps backwards from the counter. I turn ... I don't walk ... I RUN into the back and scream, CHRIS (our manager) I'M ON BREAK. I run out the front door, and run next door. (at the time my brother worked at the dry cleaners literally next door.)

I stand in the door way in my green mocha stained apron sobbing. 

What's wrong, Jen?! Did something happen?!

I break down even further barely even able to get the words out of my mouth. Grandma is next door, and she didn't recognize me. 

My brother takes the position he knew all too well, as he wraps his arms around me and I sob so hard into his shoulder.

I am so sorry kiddo. Shhhhhhh, he consoled. My knees gave out and I fell to the floor. Crying. Crying. Crying. So hard. Who are these people?? I just don't understand it. 

My brother didn't go next door, although I assure you if he had, he might have killed her. He was so UNBELIEVABLY fed up with their actions and their complete and total disregard for me and my mother. Literally, to this day, it still bothers him - as clearly it still does me as well. Good lord this is a long post.

Both of my grandparents had now looked me dead in the eye, and had absolutely no idea that I was related to them. None - a perfect stranger. Finally at least physically they were treating me how they acted towards me emotionally. 

A little bit of time goes by, not quite sure the timing on that part ... but either way, enough time had passed and we get a call one Monday morning in January that my Uncle Art had passed away. This was my grandfather's brother - and he hadn't been sick, hadn't been much of anything other than awesome. He was a priest, and one cold Sunday he sat in his chair overlooking the ocean, after watching his baseball game - went to sleep, and never woke up. Tangent: Dude. Best death ever!!! But super hard on the family since it was incredibly sudden.

We all loved my Uncle Art, terribly. He was the sane one among all of the madness that was my dad's family. 

Then, came time for the funeral. The first time that we had all even been in the same room together for almost 5 years at that point.

My dad's siblings attempted to be cordial, but one can't be too cautious with them, the second you'd turned your back their daggers were in you. Ninjas!

Either way, I remember looking at my grandpa - and he was no longer this 6' something human being, he was frail and in a wheelchair. We were then told that he didn't have much longer to live. Wait, what? I actually do think my parents prepared my brother and I for what we were about to see, but it didn't register. It was literally like someone took my grandfather, put him in that machine from Honey I shrunk the kids, and said POOF! here ya go! I didn't know who this was.

He was wheeled down the aisle of the church, and my jaw dropped. He looked so ill.

After the funeral, we went back to my grandparent's house. They were actually living with my dad's sister at the time, as his health had declined so much. I didn't say a word to my grandmother. I can still hear her voice, Hi, Jenna. THAT'S NOT EVEN MY NAMEEEEE!!!

I remember watching my grandfather get wheeled into their house and I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen in all my life - regret.

He looked at me, my mom, my dad, and my brother - and saw a family. A very strong family, something that he had no part of.

I was very kind to my grandfather then. I don't know why, but I just wanted in my heart of hearts to forgive him. He could barely speak as he was so ill, but his eyes spoke volumes. 

This was truly a sad human being.

I kissed him on his forehead ... goodbye grandpa.

He looks up at me with those soulful regretting eyes (you have no idea the sadness that was in this man's eyes at that very moment. I'm totally choking up even trying to find words to write on this page right now ... I have none). Here this man was who devoted his LIFE to helping people ... and he turned his back on his own flesh and blood. His son. My dad without ANY help from him, raised these two children that were standing in front of him; we were totally composed, all grown up, and a very strong family unit that he was not a part of. 

A few weeks later we got the call that my grandfather's health was failing fast, and if we wanted to see him again, we needed to go to the hospital.

My parents asked my brother and I if we were interested in seeing grandpa before he died. There was no doubt in my mind at that moment that I needed some sort of closure on our relationship. I wasn't sure what I was looking for - but I know I still hadn't found it. 

There were no lights on in his hospital room - just the glow from the hall outside. My brother and I walk over to his bedside. I ask, how are you doing grandpa?  

He couldn't respond at that point; he was conscious but drifting in and out of coma. I place my left hand on his right hand, and say that I loved him.

OMG wow, I am sitting here typing this a blubbery mess.

With all of his strength, he grabs a hold of my left thumb, and does not let go. To this day, I have very literally never felt anything like that. This man was barely even conscious, and he grabbed my thumb so hard, I was convinced it was going to break. I say that we have to go, but that we will see him soon. He squeezes harder. My brother looks at me, completely shocked.

I look back at grandpa, the light from the hall lit his face just enough for me to see that he had tears streaming down his cheeks. He knew, I knew, and in that moment, I couldn't believe this was happening.

Why now? Why now do you do this?? WHYYY DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG TO LOVE ME!!!!!!! You are on your deathbed!!! WHYYY!!!!! 

I lean over and kiss his forehead. I love you grandpa. 

My brother and I left the room, and that was the last time I saw my grandfather. My parents told us to go home, but that they were going to stay until he finally passed.

A few hours go by, the house phone rings - my brother answers it.

I hear him hang up the phone, and walk down the bedroom wing. Each footstep as it got closer and closer echoed. That hall was loud to begin with, but good lord - in that moment, I knew what was coming.

I was sitting down on the floor looking in the mirror. I don't turn around, I look at my brother in the mirror, as he says - he's gone.

At that very moment, the song Blurry by Puddle of Mudd played on the radio. Look at the lyrics.

My brother put his hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay, I heard him say it, I think it registered since clearly I remember that bit, but I drifted away into the song.

He goes into his room, and I just start whaling.

I sought for LITERALLY MY ENTIRE LIFE for this man to love me - or fuck that, not even love me just RECOGNIZE THAT I EXIST!! Both HE and HIS WIFE both looked their own fucking flesh and blood in the eye, and did not recognize it.

I started smashing anything I could find around me.

I grabbed my CD tower and threw it to the ground. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.  Why now? It would have been easier if I just didn't have a second set of grandparents - why the FUCK did you care now? Literally MOMENTS before you FUCKING DIED!!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why? 

That night, like every birthday night from my childhood, I cried myself to sleep.

I don't remember much from my grandfather's funeral; I don't remember saying anything to my grandmother, I don't remember much of anything from that day - just that I tried to be there as best as I could for my dad. My grandparents and I may have had an entire life filled with differences, but right now, in this moment - my dad no longer had his dad.

I asked him how he was doing, he said he was fine. The saddest part is, I believed him.

 

I am releasing this story not to call anyone out for anything, that's not my style - but I'm a lifecaster. This was something that literally shaped my childhood in a super gnarly way, whether I like to admit it or not. Now, thankfully it no longer belongs to me, a piece of it belongs to each and everyone of you as well. I release this post in the hopes of forgiving my grandparents and the people my dad grew up with, but recognize that healing cannot occur until all of the anger has been released. This has been my best attempt.

Thank you so much for reading.

xoxo #nerdsunite

  

Friday
Apr152011

#TrueStory: I lost my virginity in a cheap motel to a boy I met in a pool hall 

HAHA totally not kidding either. Not that I feel like this isn't an obvious one, but mom … dad … love you … go away. You don't need to read this. Like ever. I'm safe, used protection, yada yada yada.

Cool they gone? Bitchin! HIT IT!

So I finished high school early, and was planning on moving out to NYC. I was going to be studying at the Lee Strasberg Theater Institute in Manhattan, and the parentals were gracious enough to help out with an apartment literally 1 minute from the school. Yep, I had my own apartment at 17 in Manhattan. Kinda rad … but either way, I had this odd irrational fear that by being a virgin and officially "living on my own" - I would do something stupid … or boys would be able to smell that I was a virgin and it would be weird.

Dude, I'm totally not kidding. I literally thought people could smell that you were a virgin. I'm sure I even justified said irrational fear by saying that well technically speaking, the sweat your body secretes when you have anxiety over a situation you've never been in before …. blah blah blah. I assure you, I probably at the time had a very valid reason for thinking this - hahahaaha I was killer in debate, and loved researching weird shit online.

I never dated in high school. Like at all. Like anyone. Like ever. Well, Joshie and I kinda dated twice - but he didn't want anything serious until he had his license and frankly at that point, I was already done with school. But yeah - either way, I had very literally no one on my radar screen.

My best friend and I followed a bit of the alternative crowd, so we used to go to some pretty dodgey places - one of them being this pool hall on the Berlin Turnpike. We were always on the look out for boys, and thought the boys in Berlin were uber hotties.

Anyway, April 2001, we get to the pool hall, scope around - TOTALLY on the prowl … not necessarily thinking about looking for a guy to take my virginity, but just our normal Friday night hunt. I walk over to this one table, and see these two boys; one of them in particular is just wow, unbelievable, jaw droppingly beautiful. Super dark hair, light eyes, pale skin - I mean wow. Could to this day TOTALLY pass as Pete Cashmore's brother or cousin. They seemed a bit lost in their own world so after 5 minutes of batting my big blue eyes I thought, well, I'm not getting any younger here … and stroll up to their pool table.

At the time, I was a newbie to playing pool - and very literally didn't even know how to hold the pool stick. With my best practice audition for a porno, I sashay on over and say excuse me - my names Jen, I'm new at this whole thing … I place the pool cue on the ground mimicking rather sexual movements and say, can you show me how to hold this thing?

The guy I was eyeing was just in fucking stitches. He turns BRRIIIGGHHHTTTT red, laughing, and his friend pipes up and goes - oh SURE, as he grabs his own pool cue and says, place your left hand up here and the back one supporting this …. his flushed friend cuts him off saying, YO, she's hitting on me.

I smile. Yay! He got it!

HAHAHAHAAHA!!!

I grabbed my friend and introduced her to his friend, and we had such a fun night. Totally hit it off. Super super super cute and super super super smart dudes. They went to Xavier which is a prep school in Middletown, and ooohhhhhh myyyyyyy I liked this boy.

At the end of the night we swapped digits and AOL SNs, and went on our merry ways.

I remember dashing home, popping on my computer and immediately adding him to my buddy list. OMG OMG OMG he's so cute! Does he have an AOL profile? or is he just on AIM? OMG please don't have a sub profile to see that I'm stalking you. (oh bless the days of pre-social media-ness. Even just the screen name popping up with the sound of a door was enough to give a young girl chills.)

A few days go by, and I couldn't stop thinking about this boy. I was crushing so hard. I would intermittently restart AIM a few times as to not appear that I had really been online for 48 hours straight. Dude, I even tried accessing AIM in our school library.

Either way, a couple days go by, then his screen name pops up on my buddy list. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG … he's online. Is he going to message me? Am I going to message him? My screen name was Perfect80sgirl, but sometimes people misspelled it, or put an O for the zero, he seemed smart - I don't think he'd do that, but what if my handwriting wasn't clear, I do have very messy handwriting, hence why I type … I click his screen name … ::sound of keyboard keys:: h-i-y-a

Hiya works. Sexy, and inviting without being come over here baby. K … ::click enter::

The blue font shows up with the word, yo.

We start chatting. We both had pretty intense ADD, so I'd like to say that there were fireworks and long loving poetic gestures …. but there weren't. I think he said school was lame, and he was getting ready for work … bbl.

Alrite, alrite - I can do this.

A few more days go by, I hit him up again asking what he was doing for the weekend. He said he wasn't sure, but what did I have in mind? What did I have in mind? A candlelight dinner, roses, strawberries with champagne, garnished with Godiva chocolate. Oh wait, snap out of it Jen … ::sound of keyboard keys:: I dunno. Wanna kick it?

Blue Font: Sure.

Red Font: Cool. Call u l8tr.

We hang out, and by hang out - I mean literally. He picked me up and we drove around for a while settling on some lovers lane in East Hartford, or some place I had never been.

We start making out.
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG he is a good kisser. Like wow. wow. wow. Nice lips, good tongue pressure, sweet spit.

Then, before things got too hot and heavy, he takes out a joint and asks if I wanna smoke. I pretended to take a hit, but didn't even inhale. (Dude, I was suchhhhhh a goody two shoes. Drugs in high school just weren't my thing.) We then talked about goals, and what he wants to do with his life. I think at the time he actually wanted to be a pharmacist. I told him I was going to move to NYC when I finished school. He thought that was cool, and then continued to make out with me knowing it was that much hotter that I was leaving in a few months.

He drops me off back at the house, I don't even think I let him get to second base. There was some major heavy petting, and some motion over the crotch area - but other than that, nada.

I get back to school, and everyone starts buzzing about prom. It was a few short weeks away, and I still didn't have a date. FUUUCCKKKKK MEEEEEEEE!!! Like literally can there be anything worse in life than high school when you're such an outsider? I was there to study, do my thing, and leave. I didn't date anyone, at all, ever. Thought no one is going to ask me, I can't not go to my prom. FUUUCCKKKKKKK!!!!

I get home, pop online, and message the pool hall boy. Now, I had to be careful with exactly how I worded this … prom is a big big big deal. This boy and I had gone out, but we weren't even remotely considering dating each other. I was leaving for NY, and he was going to go to college. I think about how I wanted to word this; I can't just point blank ask him to my prom, why don't I tell him about my plan of not wanting to be a virgin while I'm living in NYC, and ask him if he wants to take my virginity!

Yep. This happened over AOL instant messenger. hahahahaa

Blue Font:
Are you sure?

I explained to him that I hadn't really dated anyone, and I really enjoyed spending time with him. I failed to mention my irrational fear of being released into the real world while still holding onto my cherry - but eh.

Dude, a chick you just got hot and heavy with asks you over AIM to take her virginity? Like really? HAHA what do you all think he was going to say …

Blue Font: I'd love to.

BOOM! Jen's got a prom date. ::happy dance::

Then came the logistics of planning this thing. I didn't want to lose my virginity in a car as yes, vehicular sex can be quite nice … but this is my virginity, and my life evolved around John Hughes. Losing it in the back of his car just wasn't going to happen.

We went back and forth on messenger, he suggests a hotel on the Berlin Turnpike. For the life of me I can't remember what it was called - can see the sign, had a moon on it - other than that, I got nothing! Mind you too, he was 18 - so he could get a motel room.

Sounds perfect, I thought.

Berlin Turnpike … prom night … me …. and the hottie from the pool hall.

Prom to me was unbelievably anticlimactic. I didn't do the whole group picture things with your friends; I was a loaner. I bought my dress on a half whim with my mom, and did my make up myself. I had however, gotten my hair done - so that part was pretty kosher. Oh, and I think my grandparents were over for dinner that night, and my mom might have made a casserole. Like literally … hahaha. John Hughes this was not.

After arriving about a half hour late, pool hall hottie finally shows up. The parentals snap a few pics, and on our way we go. I didn't do the whole limo thing - again loaner … party of one … loaner …

We get there, and the place was still filling up. We were pretty early. I remember sitting at a table with a few of my friends, but I wasn't really interested in talking to anyone. Only my best friend knew what I was planning on doing that night, and I forget why she wasn't there … but whatevs.

I was so nervous, I had such a shit eating grin on my face. I just couldn't believe I was about to have S-E-X.

We stayed for a bit … and I remember one song we danced to, Bryan Adams Everything I do - I do it for you. In my head, that became our official prom song. Not like the actual prom, but the little fantasy version of awesomeness that I was living in my head.

It was weird, I wasn't in love with him, but I trusted him. He was really wise for all of 18, really really absurdly hot, I just very much wanted to do this. Whatever it meant. The time was now. Like right now.

We leave the prom early. I had asked my parents if I could spend the night out after prom and they said oh hell to the fuck no. My parentals were actually pretty lenient considering all of the bullshit I could have gotten involved with - but thankfully, they raised me to keep my noggin on relatively tight. In high school, I assure you, they had nothing to worry about.

We get to the hotel, and hahahaha omg it was hilarious. You can totally rent the rooms by the hour. I forget how long he booked for though. I literally just remember being half out of body wondering if this was going to happen, and what it was going to feel like - while at the same time trying to not be mortified that it was SOOOOOOO obvious what we were doing as we were both still in our prom outfits.

Dude, I would PAY to see that security tape - hahahaa goodness gracious.

We get in the room, and pretty much just get down to business. There were no candles, but no vibrating bed either. It was a queen sized bed in a very dark room, with a bathroom and a TV.

No foreplay, no nothing - he coached me into it. He kept saying, are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure?
I took a deep breath, yes I'm sure.

This was just such a surreal experience for me from head to toe. I had never even been fully naked in front of a boy, or anyone outside of the family doctor - now this is totally happening? FTR, I wasn't a complete prude. I had done my fair share, but not much … and certainly not anything like this.

Totally naked. Boy totally on top of me. This is happening.

He goes to try and put it in, and I literally almost die. I had seen one or two penises before, but this one was … omg … fucking huge. Yeah, imagine Ron Jeremy taking your virginity. I hadn't even let a boy finger me - now you're going to stick WHAT inside of me? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh mmmmyyyyyyyyyyy gooooooodddddddddddddddd.

hahahaha worst. experience. ever.

Well, not the worst, it had to happen - but no one explains to you just how painful it is for a female to have sex for the first time. There's no lubrication, or barely any - and it's not like an 18 year old boy knows what the fuck he is doing either. He kept trying, and eventually succeeded. I don't even remember him coming or anything - I think the pain literally shot me into another world.

When it's over there was no cuddling, no nothing - he kissed me and asked if I felt okay … I lied and said yes even though when I stood up I could barely walk it felt so uncomfortable. He kissed me again, and let it linger. I didn't know what love was then, but I know in that moment, he cared. That was a first for me.

I got dressed, and he drove me back home. I remember stumbling for my keys, as my dad opened the front door. Dude, SOOOOOOOO not the person that I want to see. He asked how it was, etc … I said I was tired and was going to go to bed. Had fun, but really exhausted. OMG, I do not want to see my dad's face right now!!! Why are you still awake?!?! Stop it!! Stop it!!!!

I turn on my TV and fall asleep. Wow, I just had sex.

I very literally felt like a different person the next day. It wasn't this moment of, man, I feel like a woman - it was just more of …. that's what all the fuss is about? I don't get it!

Sex, like prom, was very anticlimactic. They prepare you for it so so so much in school, you learn about every body part, and about 15 different types of birth control - but I just have one question for the school system, why does not one prepare you for the emotional toll that having sex at a young age can do to you? Literally. I do not remember a single class where anyone, anywhere talked about emotions regarding sex, only the physical mechanics of it. Was I supposed to talk to my parents about that? My parents who have been married since they were in their late teens, and were each others firsts onlys and everythings? With the next person I have sex with, I have doubled my parents record.

I was feeling very confused.

I putzed around my day in a bit of a fog. It's not like I loved him, but I certainly didn't think of him just as a friend - but what was he? The guy that took my virginity? Really? And that's it?

I waited by the phone for him to call … it never rang.

I didn't dare get on AIM, I know I may have asked him to take my virginity over AIM - but I felt he should have still been man enough to just pick up the phone and fucking call. Nada.

I remember writing in my journal what had happened, and I literally wrote - "I'm curious to try the sex thing one more time, but I don't know if he's going to call."

And very honestly - he didn't.

After a week, I took him off my buddy list.

A few months go by, and I move to NY as he heads to college. I wasn't heartbroken, more just incredibly confused and a bit hurt by everything. I know he didn't owe me anything, but I felt so blah. Plus too, he was so incredibly big it wasn't like I enjoyed any bit of it.

I proceed to do the only thing I knew how to do - get to work. I threw myself in my studies at Strasberg. My class load was incredibly intense - I had writing classes, acting for film and TV, dude, I even got into the super secret wednesday advanced acting class. I loved what I did - but I put boys out of my mind for a while. I was here to study.

Then shortly after the new year I got an IM - it was from the boy. A bit shocked, I didn't really know how to respond to him.

Blue Font: Hey.

::keyboard typing::

Red Font: Hi.
Blue Font: How r u?
Red Font: okay.
Red Font: What happened with you?
Blue Font: What do you mean?
Red Font: I never heard from you again.
Blue Font: Yeah, sorry about that.

I don't honestly remember the excuses he gave me for not calling - I just remember knowing that it was complete bullshit. He asked if he could make it up to me, he wanted to come to NYC. HAHA yeah right. You're going to come down here to see me after you couldn't pick up the phone to call after you took my virginity? Yeah! My sister is there too.

Ah fuck. This is happening.

He knocks on my apartment door. I open the door, ddaaaayuuuummmmm he looked good. Like looked good good.
He kissed me on my cheek.

I invite him in, and we start talking. He immediately apologizes again for what he did. I said I was kind of over it …. which was a total and complete lie. I'm two for two with this dude.
What was I supposed to say? Yes, you hurt me. Now you're here, in my life again - what is supposed to be accomplished here? I'm not really understanding any of this.

He asked me if sex got any easier (or something more likely a little more classy, but you get the idea), I said no, I hadn't even had sex again. Really? he replied. Yes really. I told him I've been focusing on my studies - which was half true, but half a defense mechanism from not wanting to get hurt again.

He kissed me, and laid down in the bed next to me. We fell asleep. No sex.

In the morning he went on his way to see his sister, and I went to class. I wasn't really sure what any of this meant, but I just didn't care at that point. I didn't regret letting him take my virginity - in fact, I was still glad that he did. I probably would have just done something stupid and gone home with a stupid boy at some stupid party. At least I cared for him, and I knew in that very moment when I was getting dressed in the motel room - he cared for me too. That's all that mattered to me in that very moment.

A couple of years go by, actually more than a couple almost 8 until I hear from him again. I had left my AIM open on an old computer and when I went to boot it, BAM! There he was!!! I was surprised. Again, I don't really know what to say … but I don't want you out of my life. I just … don't know what to think of you.

He then tells me that he was engaged, but he also has a baby girl!!! He sends me the picture over AIM, and ommmmmgggggggg this little peanut is BEAUTIFULLLL!!! Like crazy beautiful!!! Looks just like her daddy, only in female form and not the creepy wow, you take a little after your father too much kind of way.

He still lives in CT, and is a chef now. I guess you could call him a happy little clam. hardy har har har.

I actually just became Facebook buddies with him about a month ago, and sent him this message …




So thank you Marky Mark and your Facebook bunch! I wondered for years how to label this individual in my life, but I am now happy to report, that we are in fact, "friends." =)

xoxo #nerdsunite

... literally.

 

Thursday
Mar242011

#ShitGotReal: Meet the Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover Pilot Suits!!!

So, we're being made into a pilot. Awesome right? We're like totally coming soon to a TV set near you. Well, almost. We're technically speaking still in development ... but alrite ... alrite ... alrite ... I've posted on this enough. Teased about it for MONTHS ... and you guys have waited patiently wondering who was involved ... what was going on ... yada yada yada yada ... I am happy to announce that I got the thumbs up from the execs at the meeting yesterday to OFFICIALLY announce everyone in an official TNTML announcement.

Good lord, that is a lot of official-ness to come from a very non-official human being. So um. Yeah. I'm just gonna go with it.

I very honestly don't know the legality of sorts of who does what and why ... so I am going to call the parties just "producers" to save my own face of frankly not knowing, nor do I really give a flying fuck. For reals, these peeps are totes mcgotes the cats pajamas and just the nicest peeps on the planet. I spewed my guts to them today on the future of movie marketing, and what all of this social-ness means ... and that if anyone claims that they are an expert to flat out RUNNNNNNNNNNNN ... because none of us are ... alrite, alrite, alrite, shut up Jen. Hit it already ...

In no particular order ... Nerds, I introduce you to ...

Dude, this chick is such a Betty. Wow. Wow. Wow. BEAU-TIFULLLLLLLL!! Mary Parent: You may remember Mary who was responsible for such films as ... Meet the Fockers, The Bourne Supremacy, Serenity, Role Models, and You, Me, & Dupree. Dude, this chick just ran MGM. Like for reals? Is this happening? Fucking bat shit, man. This woman is one of the most present, and down to earth people I have ever met. We had a 3 hour meeting, and she was just ... there. There are what 7 people in all of Hollywood that run a studio? She was one of them. Dude, I loved this chick. I just like wanted more. more. more. Like for real ... all bs aside, I get it, man. I get why she is so accomplished. You meet her, and it just all makes sense. BAT SHIT!!!!

Cale Boyter: You may remember Cale who was responsible for such films as ... Wedding Crashers, Elf, A History of Violence, The Butterfly Effect, Just Friends (OMMMGGGG one of my all time favs - I can't look at "All For One" the same ever. ever. ever. again), Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny, and Blade: Trinity. This guy cracks me up, dude. He describes doing social media as this like "event." It's like ... you do FACEBOOK!?!?! He gets it ... I know he gets it ... but because of who he is, and certain personal boundaries he has up, he is a bit trepidatious about the entire scenario. Dude, totally get it. Just hilarious to sit there and say, it's like the phone. It's simply a means of communication. It just honestly put in perspective for me how much people that don't use Facebook don't understand it. And he's not like a total n00b ... but if you're not on Facebook or Twitter - you just won't get it. But how can I help you understand what I am experiencing and explain it to you in the simplest terms to help you understand. Really, really, really, chill dude. I literally just kept scratching my head wondering what planet did you people come from? How are you all the people that you are, and yet you're so rad? Wait ... is this candid camera?? haha omg, I just said candid camera!! Did I date myself? Should I have said Punkd? Cause, I'm not a big fan of Ashton. He used to be cool, not really sure what happened ... but not really a fan right now. Get it together, mannnnnnnnn!!! Tangent Jen, tangent!

Life's a party. Crash it? HAHA!! Totally my mantra!! K ... and onto the Hollywood god ... aka El Senor Luke Ryan! Who, btw, I had his card in this little frame for an entire year. Seriously, Luke is like one of the nicest people on this planet ... and when we had lunch last year he just asked me point blank what they could have done on their film to have more of an impact in social media. Wait, did I even say yet what Luke has done? I apologize ... you may remember Mr. Luke Ryan from such films as ... Hot Tub Time Machine, and Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. This dude's background in this industry is nuts! He's been in a slew of positions ... but totally drinks the Buddhist kool-aid. He's just so rad, man. I said from DAY ONE, I'd love to work with you. I'm like ... I don't really know what makes sense in this scenario, but I'm digging this vibe that I'm feeling from you ... and uhhhh yeah! I want more.

These people get it. There just are no other words for it. They don't think I'm insane which is a phenomenally comforting thing ... and the rest - we'll just see. Don't get me wrong, the meeting was awesome, awesome, awesome ... but at the same time, I'm sitting here writing this going ... ummmmm let's go people. I am so fucking ready!! HA!!!! Time to get 'er done baby!!! I'm stoked!! I put my manager hat on this week, and am adding some structure to this site that we'll ALSO be announcing. I feed off of this shit man, so much going on and all I can think is that I want more!!

The official Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover screening of Hot Tub Time Machine! Had no idea this day would change the rest of my life. CRAZY!! Dude, Mary said today, I work all the time but it just doesn't feel like work to me. I'm like ummmmmmmmmm I'm in this space 17 hours a day! Can we be besties? Cause peeps think I'm a whackadoodle for working so much, but it doesn't feel like work at all to me - more like I am finally living up to my potential. AHHH!!! I LOVE THESE PEOPLE!!!! So excited for what's coming.

About 6 weeks until we go to the networks ... so still a little bit out. But we're meeting with our new agency CAA over the next 2 weeks. Yeah, did I mention that this site is repped by CAA? HAHAHAHA!! omg omg omg omg omg omg. Dude, my first year in LA I totally had dinner at the Ivy with Tracy Brennan from CAA. My dad's former college roommate introduced me to her cousin, and he told her I wanted to get into the "industry" and alas! dinner at the Ivy in Santa Monica we all had. It was yummy. Dudddeeeee their gimlets were just off the charts. So friggen GOOD!!! BAHHHH!!! Full circle, man. Full circle.

Just go for it. I kid you not ... I sat in that meeting today and literally just said point blank this is what's happening ... and they got it. Don't ever stop being who you are. I'm radically honest, and yeah, that cost me a lot of jobs hahahaha ... but I wouldn't change a minute of it. I am who I am, and like people will always find like people.

So. So. So. Grateful!!! Good things coming soon el nerdinos!!! =) =) =)

Thank you all so much for being in my life. I just cannot tell you all how grateful I am.

SHIT GOT REAL IS RIGHT!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL FOR HAVING A HOME AGAIN!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!! Wow ... I am tearing up ... I AM SO EXCITED!!!! HOT WATER ON A REGULAR BASIS!!!! A BED TO CALL MY OWN!!!! OMG OMG OMG!!! BAHHH!!! Thank you universe, and interwebz, and universe, and interwebz. BAHHHH!!!

 

#namaste

PS. My mom just called me at 4:30 am her time, after I emailed her ... she's very excited. I'm excited that she's excited. My dad and brother hear next ... but frankly, my mom just needed to hear first ;) LOVE YOU! =) AND THANK YOU!!




Email from my Dad ...


Sunday
Mar202011

#WTF: Dude, I checked in on @Foursquare to an orgy last night. 

Totally not even kidding either. Like, at all. I am going to try to explain how unbelievably BAT SHIT this night was, and it's not at all going to register. I present to you ladies and germs, my best attempt ... HIT IT LL!!!

OMG, I cannot believe I am even typing this ... Mom and Dad ... go away. Love you, so so much but leave. Like now.

Alrite, so @meowmistidawn is totes mcgotes one of the gnarliest human beings on the planet. Like for reals, I adore her ... cause this all went down because of her. She's BFFs with @drsuzy and @drsuzy hosts this radio sex show every Saturday night from this warehouse in downtown LA. She tweeted me saying she'd love to have me on the show, but apparently wanted to meet me or something first. Totally understand - she has a very specific clientele. I get it. She then invited me to come down tonight with Misti and her boyfriend Michael to get acquainted.

Dude, I had no idea how acquainted we were all going to get.

Cue 4sq checkin:

HAHAHA, I was wearing a blazer - albeit with a skin tight micro mini ...

... I thought I was going to a radio show interview - TOTALLY DID NOT ANTICIPATE THE MASSIVE ORGY IN THE ROOM!!!

Dr. Suzy was celebrating the Purim, and was reinacting a live action role play of the story. No joke ... look at this!

Per Wiki

Purim Story: The Book of Esther begins with a six month (180 day) drinking feast given by King Ahasuerus, for the army of Persia and Media, for the civil servants and princes in the 127 provinces of his kingdom, at the conclusion of which a seven day drinking feast for the inhabitants of Shushan, rich and poor with a separate drinking feast for the women organised by the Queen Vashti in the pavilion of the Royal courtyard.

At this feast Ahasuerus gets thoroughly drunk and orders his wife Vashti to display her beauty before the people and nobles wearing her royal crown. She refuses, and Ahasuerus decides to remove her from her post. He then orders all young women to be presented to him, so he can choose a new queen to replace Vashti. One of these is Esther, who was orphaned at a young age and was being fostered by her cousin Mordecai. She finds favor in the king's eyes, and is made his new wife. Esther does not reveal that she is Jewish.

Shortly afterwards, Mordecai discovers a plot by courtiers Bigthan and Teresh to kill Ahasuerus. They are apprehended and hanged, and Mordecai's service to the king is recorded. 

Ahasuerus appoints Haman as his prime minister. Mordecai, who sits at the palace gates, falls into Haman's disfavor as he refuses to bow down to him. Having found out that Mordecai is Jewish, Haman plans to kill not just Mordecai but the entire Jewish minority in the empire. He obtains Ahasuerus' permission to execute this plan, and he casts lots to choose the date on which to do this - the thirteenth of the month of Adar. When Mordecai finds out about the plans he orders widespread penitence and fasting. Esther discovers what has transpired; she requests that all Jews of Shushan fast and pray for three days together with her, and on the third day she seeks an audience with Ahasuerus, during which she invites him to a feast in the company of Haman. During the feast, she asks them to attend a further feast the next evening. Meanwhile, Haman is again offended by Mordecai and builds a gallows for him.

That night, Ahasuerus suffers from insomnia, and when the court's records are read to him to help him sleep, he learns of the services rendered by Mordecai in the previous plot against his life. Ahasuerus is told that Mordecai had not received any recognition for saving the king's life. Just then, Haman appears, and King Ahasuerus asks Haman what should be done for the man that the King wishes to honor. Thinking that the King is referring to Haman himself, Haman says that the honoree should be dressed in the king's royal robes and led around on the king's royal horse. To Haman's horror, the king instructs Haman to do so to Mordecai.

Later that evening, Ahasuerus and Haman attend Esther's second banquet, at which she reveals that she is Jewish and that Haman is planning to exterminate her people, which includes her. Ahasuerus instead orders Haman hanged on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. The previous decree against the Jews could not be annulled, so the King allows Mordecai and Esther to write another decree as they wish. They write one that allows the Jews to defend themselves during attacks. As a result, on 13 Adar, five hundred attackers and Haman's ten sons are killed in Shushan. Throughout the empire 75,000 of the Jews' enemies are killed (Esther 9:16). On the 14th, another 300 are killed in Shushan. No spoils are taken.

Mordecai assumes the position of second in rank to Ahasuerus, and institutes an annual commemoration of the delivery of the Jewish people from annihilation.

Yeah, all that plus dildo scepters ... LOOK!

 

Dr. Suzy is Dr. Suzy Block circa the mid 90s on HBO. Dude, when I was 14, she definitely taught me how to give a BJ. Not like I actually acted upon it until later in life since I was a prude Jude, but the educational component of it was fascinating. For reals, this lady knows her stuff!!!

It was insane. Literally, I get there, and 5 minutes later I hear this chick who was supposed to play the Queen backed out at the last minute, and they asked me if I would play her part. The requirements were that I would have to be naked, but sex was totally optional.

5 minutes ... this was asked of me in the FIRST FIVE MINUTES!!!!

I apologized and declined the offer to seduce the king, and be stripped while hanging from this massive X on stage. Hot, I know ... like normally totally game for some kinky ass shit, but live on a web cam - I totally wussed out. I was honestly just trying to absorb as much of the environment as I could, it was SUCH an interesting place - there was clearly a sexual undertone, but it wasn't energy based; it was just sort of there, in the background. You kinda forgot about it since the people there just didn't obsess over it, they just let it organically happen.

And then ... the inevitable occurred ...

Only in LA would you be invited to a 50 person orgy and just so happen to bump into someone you know! Like really?!?! Is this happening?!?!

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

I'm not gonna lie though, it was INCREDIBLY awkward for me at first. Every time I was standing somewhere alone someone would come up to me. Of course, in a totally loving and accepting way - this place was seriously a house of looovvvvveeeeeeee ... but I like being a fly on the wall. I like to watch and observe, then come up with a plan of attack. I was out of my element, DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone, and dude, people were totally boning and like on fire!

This chick was wrapped in saran wrap and then whipped with a cat and nine tails. I'm not even kidding you when I say that was one of the hottest things I have ever seen.

It was a really really really interesting performance. Again, everyone there was so free spirited and so tapped into their feeding their animalist and carnal desires in the rawest form that I have ever seen. I don't know how else to say it, but until you experience something like this you can't understand how this wasn't sexual it was just art and expression. Hey, I consider search engine optimization and social media marketing an art, to each their own baby!

The orgy did not turn me on ... like at all. I felt like I was watching animals play around with each other, and I was the curmudgeon zoo keeper with a habit for picking noses and wedgies. It was really fucking weird. Well, weird isn't a good word - more like a very new life experience that I did not expect to have.

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

ANNNNDDDD you guys aren't going to believe it, but I totally bumped into @pazpaz there as well! In the smallest world ever category, he's besties with Misti's bf Michael. Dude, I got SO many emails and tweets when he stole Paris' birthday cake last month from you all that we should totally meet. How friggen random was that? Yep, city of 8 million ... clearly that was bound to happen.

Really nice dude, btw. Like crazy, retarded smart. Like crazy crazy retarded smart, but very unassuming about it which of course makes it all that much hotter. Very intriguing individual, and very open minded - clearly.

He gave me a ride home as we don't live far from each other, but picking up his gf from a club on the way back was just weird. Dude, how do you explain to your gf that heyyyyyyyyyy, we were just at this orgy - totally didn't bone, but yeah ... wasn't sexual at all ... was just looking around.

HAHAHA!! omg I was dying. That chick did not like me. At all. I was watching her facial reactions to things I was saying, and her face had anger and disgust written all over it. Sweet girl, I'm sure ... like I ain't mad at anyone ... but the poor dear had a bad night, needed to be picked up from a club and then hears all about this orgy from this random chick that's sitting in the front seat next to her boyfriend.

Hall of fame for awkwardness - forrrrrrrr sure!!!

 Amazing. What a night. I was laughing when we were driving over there - I just kept saying I had no idea what to expect but was at least hoping I could get a post from whatever experience I was going to have.

Oh how naive ... oh how naive ...

 

#ivebeenabadbadgirl

Wanna learn more about Dr. Suzy and her house of awesome?

Check out her site over yonder!

Thank you so so so much Misti, Michael, and Dr. Suzy for the invite. AMMMAAZINNNGGGG time!

Yay social media!!!

oh and ps. didn't get to keep the dildo scepter. Like seriously, I could totally use a new one. hahaha! Majorly bummed! Next time - sigh