#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Madonna - Gang Bang

What's kicking loverbugs?

Long time no private chat.

Here ... grab a cup o'joe and stay a while.

Anywho, as usual, we've got loads going on. I just got back from a bartered adventure where I spent the weekend on this private winery owned by this big celebrity photographer. He is literally one of the nicest people ever, but also figured out a way to rent out his house to all of the shoots that he does, and that in turn pays his mortage. It's insane ... he's a very very very smart guy and it was incredibly inspiring since I'd like to have something like that when I raise a family. Look at this property!!!

This is the house from one of the Bachelors, and a Chris Brown video was shot there last weekend. The house is pretty much used 24/7. Very very very smart duderino.

Here I am drinking wine on said property ...

I had initially wanted to have a White Trash weekend at the winery, but because it was so friggen cold - I just settled for some hoodie rocking, converse wearing good times.

AHHHHHHHHH My anxiety right now is through the roof. I needed this getaway so friggen bad.

So, there's been a lot going on right now behind the scenes that I haven't been able to talk about. Not out of wanting to keep anything from you guys, but just with this level of uncertainty on what makes sense and what my next actions should be. I've been meeting with a bunch of TV peeps on projects, ANNND even today will be auditioning to be a panelist on this pretty popular show. It's all so fantastic, and all so wonderful - but this is LaLaLand. Peeps here dig kissing your ass, and I want to make sure that no matter what all of this is something I GENUINELY want to do, and it is something that will GENUINELY help this brand grow onto bigger and better things. I'm happier than a pig and shit right now with this site as is. We're still working on the redesign, but pretty much once that gets up - I will have ZERO complaints about this entire site. I have spent over 15,000 hours in the last 2.5 years working on it - and it's my baby.

It's hard though having all of these opportunities come to you, and you having to sit there and decide what makes sense and what doesn't. I turn back though to working with the Modern Day Shaman, and my own studying of Zen Buddhism, and I am reminded that the answers to every question we ever have in life are already inside of us. I already know all the answers to anything I could ever be asked in life; I'm already living my dream, I'm already living my bliss. Now is just the fun part of structuring a company, hiring a team, and going off into who knows what. My focus, however, needs to continue to stay in the now. My journey is the one that I will experience today in the next 86,400 seconds.

Dudes, I friggen lost my MACBOOK PRO this past weekend, and GENUINELY didn't even bat an eye. If this isn't some next level nirvana shit I don't know what is!!

<tangent> I had all of my gear on my back since I was getting picked up to go to the winery from my last meeting on Friday, and I got caught in this SUPPPEERRR gnarly downpour. I've been in LA for 8 years, and this was just ... horrific. My macbook pro was 3 compartments deep, and the ONLY tech toy to actually get water damage. My ipad was fine, all my cameras, even my electric blanket snuggie - all good. Macbook pro? No bueno. I fortunately always always always have at least one back up mac, so I'm fine for now - but will DEF be looking to upgrade to a new Macbook Pro and Macbook air in the next few months. </tangent>

It's just all so exciting. Everything is here, everything is happening now. I just have to stay present and listen. Fortunately, I got SO MUCH FREAKING SLEEP at the winery that I am that much more prepared for whatever life has for me this week. 

Actual couch I slept on bartering location based social media advice.

I'M FRIGGEN READY FOR YOU LIFE!!!

#BRINGIT

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (speaking from an uncomfortable place)

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Dancing with Myself - Billy Idol

So, this week I have heard from not only the Modern Day Shaman, but through a dream that I had the other night - that I am not currently expressing my thoughts/truth. This, of course, made no sense to me at first because I'm a lifecaster ... all I friggen do is express my thoughts/truth ... but both the Shaman and my unconcious were actually right (shocker). I am not fully expressing my truth, until now. 

::deep breath:: 

... 

... 

... 

K ... I'm ready. 

Wait, 75% ready ... 

okay, fine 100 ... 

I'm scared. I'm actually deathly scared of everything right now. I am now running this new media company, and we have two TV shows in development, I've written 100 pages of my first book, we have a successful stage show in Hollywood ... oh yeah AND this website and all 70 writers ... all sounds awesome and super fancy pants, yet I'm going out of my mind with fear. I know the mantra "life begins outside of my comfort zone" but ALL I am right now is outside of my comfort zone. Personally, professionally, spiritually ... I mean COME ON!! 

My eyes have been plucked WIDE OPEN by the Shaman so much so that I've re-evaluated friendships, dating - everything. I'm in this space right now back to being a loner and none of it feels good. I know this is all part of the Shaman's plan, and I genuinely do trust and believe him ... but I'm petrified of everything. I don't have anyone but my own inner voice guiding me, and while that has served me TREMENDOUSLY in the past ... the girl who got picked on so badly in school that she had to get a fucking restraining order against 4 classmates still feels... weird. 

I sat in the Shamans office this week and cried from my soul with gratitude. I am so fucking grateful EVERY DAY that I can wake up and do this ... and hustle ... and prove that with TANGIBLE PROOF if you just sit there and set your freaking mind to something with the PUREST of hearts, and LOVE and PASSION ... anything is possible. The producer in me right now is salivating over this story - it's bat shit ... but the nerd in me that had anxiety and depression for 24 years is just crying out. Starting a company is the most insane thing a person could ever do - period end of sentence. You sacrifice everything for something that might ... and I mean MIIGGHHHTTT work out ... but ... I can't imagine not doing it. I've never felt more alive than I have in the last 2.5 years ... I'm just at such an uncomfortable part of this journey. I've actually BEEN this way for months (actually since I got hit with the brick), I just haven't found a way to express it. I've been trying to set boundaries with my life, and with this brand - but it's hard. This is the only thing that makes me feel better both professionally and creatively is writing all of this out. 

I don't know what I am doing right now ... and that is okay, because you don't ever have to have the next step figured out, you just have to be aware and present understanding that when you are ready it will be presented to you. 

This too shall pass ... I know it ... I just gotta keep dancing. 

#kthxbye

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Sour Times - Portishead

What a rough couple of weeks. Sunday will mark one month since I got hit in the head with a brick. Hilarious that on that night I will be on the red carpet for the Night of 100 Stars Party and then going to the after party for The Artist (for the Academy Awards). 

All week I am doing things with the oscars, and I even have a fancy pants red carpet badge ... professionally speaking, things. are. the. shit. I'm headed to NYC next week to meet with this start up that I am TOTALLY head over heels in love with (but completely FREAKED OUT by them since their product is so culturally disruptive), and then I'm back for a few days and then head off to Austin for SXSW. 

Personally speaking however, I am realizing a lot of things that I am no longer resonating with and I'm starting to feel like a crab that is outgrowing its shell. 

Working with a Modern Day Shaman (and even a dating coach) has been one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. Your brain is like an onion, and it is your job every day to peel away more and more layers. 

The only problem with this, is that the more you explore spiritually the less people like to be around you. I have no filter ... ever. I say what I say and that isn't always the most tactful thing a person can do. I'm learning patience and tolerance in dealing with others, but when you are growing so fast I also enjoy moving around a lot and spending time with just myself. 

I am at the precipice now of deciding, as my buddy Josh put it the other day, figuring out where @JenFriel begins and where Jen Friel ends; I need to create that separation. I understand that I am the heart of this brand, and I am SO FREAKING EXCITED for where we are going - but I also need balance & boundaries. I NEED to have intimate relationships in my life and I need to create boundaries even with my friendships with people that cross the lines of personal and professional. 

My goal this year is to not only take a few leadership seminars (to learn how to lead more effectively and compassionately), but also to find other like minded women who either run their own business, have their own startup - and are as EQUALLY passionate about what they do as I am, and then we can totes be besties and like braid each other's hair n' shit.

I am praying to god that I don't end up like Liz Lemon when she went looking for her best friend in a Barnes and Nobel bathroom. 

If you don't watch 30 Rock, here's a hint ... it didn't end well. 

All I know in life is that like energy always. always. always. attracts. And if you ever want to know where you are, you have to look at the people around you. I am surrounded by an AMAZING group of talented, and beautiful women - but not a lot of other entrepreneurs. Is there something in me that I am denying in that capacity? Why don't I have friends that are female and take risks like I do? You absolutely HAVE to have a great support system in everything that you do, and these are some of the biggest moments in my life, so I need to find mentors and be open to newness of people that understand and can help me grow - it's the only way this is ever going to work. 

It's scary ... I'm scared ... but I'm also incredibly grateful and incredibly inspired. I've also noticed the closer you get to being in a "truer" state (whatever that really means) - the faster the universe gives you what you are asking for. I've already reached out to some amazing women today that inspire me ... so I'm excited to see where this all can go. 

All I know is that I'm scared but ready. 

Here's to you friends that I haven't friended yet!! Please just have long enough hair to braid. Not that there's anything wrong with short hair - but I really do make an EPIC french braid. 

Oh, but first here are two of my favorite quotes from my ABSOLUTE favorite book, The Alchemist ... 

There is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe.... The soul of the world is nourished by people's happiness.

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

Namaste Paulo ... na ... ma... ste ... 

#kthxbye

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Smile- Vitamin C

Holy shit, my moods have been off the charts the last few days. Apparently this is all part of recovering from a concussion, but I have just NOT been myself. 

I have gone from feeling EXTREMELY fearful even being outside, to fits of straight rage, to low energy, to absolute depression. I am disassociating myself from it to a certain degree and just saying this is all part of healing, this is not you ... this is all part of healing, this is not you - but it's been incredibly hard. 

I can't tell you how horrible it is to comb your hair, or shower - and feel staples. I swear I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Of course too, it could be worse - I could have ABSOLUTELY been killed, or stabbed, or even paralyzed - but I can't negate my emotions entirely, this is what I'm feeling ... and it fucking SUCKS! 

I am hella grateful we still did the liveshow on Friday, but it's not enough. I just can't stop crying, I didn't fucking ask for this shit!! I'm a PEOPLE MAGNET!!!! People are attracted to me. Period end of sentence. 99.999999% of the time it's totes kosher for passover and a blessing, that one very very very small fraction of a percentage though that it's not - shit like this happens. 

I'm being extra careful and loving with myself, but I'm just angry. I've been calling Hollywood vice to figure out at least the guy's name, so I can see what legally I can do - but of course because this is LA and shit like this happens all the time, I'm just a number. 

I am going to bring flowers to the hairdressers that saved me tomorrow. The fact that people actually helped me, AND went after him is statistically an anomaly. There have been a lot of cases done on people who have been victims of crime and statistics have proven that people won't get involved or help someone in cases like mine. The fact that SOOOO many people not only helped me, but actually CHASED after the guy is STRAIGHT good karma. 

I'm just angry, and sad. I'm not sure what else to be. It's annoying, I didn't ask for this - and to take my power back I am just working as hard as I can stirring all of the pots on the fire. 

The timing on all of this couldn't have been any worse as I have a lot on my plate right now, but again - so what else is new. 

This shit just fucking sucks, man. No other word for it. 

I just want to sleep, and coming from someone who actually WISHES there were more hours in the day so I could execute more ... it's all just very hard. 

This too shall pass ... this too shall pass. 

Oh, on the brighter side of things, all of your well wishes kicked my klout score up to an all time high of 70. Well done nerds - and for reals ... from the depths of my everything, thank you all so so so much for your kind words. I'm energetically not up to responding back to everyone yet, but please know my love is there and I've been reading everything. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. xo

#thatisall

PS. Tomorrow I see the Shaman, annnnnndddd I have a hot date. Bright side Friel. Keep seeing the bright side!!

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Make the girl dance - baby baby baby

OOOOOHHHHHH life. You are fab.

So, a lot is going on this month. For one, TNTML's very first live stage show in Hollywood is in 18 days. EIGHTEEN DAYS to put up a liveshow.

Fucking. Batshit.

This is such a dream come true for me that I want to be METICULOUS on the execution of it all, and making sure everything makes sense and runs smoothly. Of course, none of that ever happens in real life - so I am in fact learning to just go with the flow of it all.

I feel like I was born to be a producer. I'm such a - "just get it the fuck done" kinda person, that it's funny how much of that translates to producing. It's a SOLID hustle behind the scenes, but no one ever knows and frankly you're then so busy working on your next project that even you don't care. I'm CRAZY good at compartmentalizing things, and breaking situations down into doable actions. Who knew being so emotionally detached as a child would actually benefit me so much in my adult life?

Cray cray.

The year has started off right though - which is rad. Things are movin and groovin with the scripted show. The pitch is lock and loaded and now we go into strategy mode for presenting. Very exciting all around.

It's funny how when you just walk in your bliss the rest of the world comes to you versus you having to come to it. All I do is me; I am a trend spotter and team builder. By focusing on my strengths and building the team out to help me with my weaknesses, it's truly becoming a remarkable force to be reckoned with. Crazy humbling, obviously - but totally rad at the same time to align with so many AMAZING people.

I'm just buckled up at this point and going through the motions.

SUPER stoked to get my car back. (We're close to closing a handful of deals which will definitely enable that.) I still can't believe I paid over 30K for a car that has been sitting in a garage for over a year, but whatevs - taking public transportation for a year wasn't that bad, and was created yet another story for me to tell and yet another thesis that I think will be pretty cool.

Two thumbs up all around.

I gotta admit though, as great as things are professionally right now my personal life is going through a DRASTIC change; I am attracting different people into my life. I'm not mad at it, clearly there is a BIG shift in me energetic wise, but growth is a scary thing. Between the modern day shaman, and now my dating coach (@datingcoachb) - it's a lot. It's a lot to have ONE of those people in your life, let alone two AND be launching a company, AND have a stage show go up, AND have a scripted TV show slated to sell, AND be writing your first book. I am just reminded that the plate can never be too full because there is in fact no plate. Stay calm, stay zen ... and like Marley says, everything's gonna be alright.

One bite of the elephant at a time.

Oh, on Wednesday I head over to Vegas for CES. I've been pumping myself up by watching Swingers on Netflix ...

So! So! SOOOO GOOD!!!

Okay ... I gotta get back to work. I can't tell you all exactly what I'm working on yet, but it's basically a "this is your life for your vagina." It's remarkable, and uncomfortable all rolled into one.

I heart cultural disruption. This website that these guys are going to launch is going to be HUGGGEEEE!!! Such a genius idea!!! =) =) =)

#kthxbye