#NerdsUnite: Confessions of a ginger (i can haz abusive relationship?) PT 2

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Layne. I forget how we first started talking ... I think it was on twitter, and then we totes became besties on Facebook, and then we started reading each other's blogs and like commenting and like and like and like ... this chick is RAD annndd she's a ginger. No, seriously. Welcome to the world of Layne and the thoughts that are inside of her head. HIT IT GIRL! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @redheadintexas

When I saw Chris Brown on the Grammy's Sunday night, I became very angry. Here was a man who is known publicly to have abused someone he claimed to love, being celebrated by a community of individuals who have a huge platform for bringing awareness and visibility to domestic violence and abuse. I am disgusted by this person-- not just because of the abuse, but because not once has he shown any true humility or repentance for his actions-- no contrition whatsoever. Not only do I wholly doubt the sincerity of his apology (mostly, due to his subsequent actions at the studios of Good Morning America when he cause property damage and lashed out at several people during his so-called "meltdown"), I believe he actually thinks he has been treated unfairly by those few in the media and the public who continue to call attention to the fact that he has yet to fully shoulder the consequences of his actions, nor has he made an honest effort at rehabilitating his obvious anger issues. 

And people wonder why so many abuse victims remain silent.

Last week, I shared with you the beginning of an abusive relationship I was in during my early twenties. Part I of this story can be found here. As I mentioned before, my paper-thin self esteem and the rock-bottom price at which I valued myself led me into the downward spiral of an abusive relationship. Like many abusive relationships, the abuse wasn't a constant. In fact, when things were good, I was almost able to completely forget that things had ever taken a dark turn. It wasn't as though he was controlling; he never attempted to dictate my life. None of the abuse that happened ever seemed calculated. It all happened in the heat of the moment. He didn't chip away at my ego with demeaning or belittling commentary. He was a classic case of someone with deeply repressed anger, who lashed out whenever he felt vulnerable. Even though what I experienced seems mild in comparison to some, I now know that no level of abuse is acceptable. Period.

After the first incident, I took a huge step back from my relationship with Luke. I ignored his attempts at contact and tried to forget he existed. But, eventually, I allowed him to worm his way back in.

It started with phone calls, and eventually, I agreed to meet him out at a club one night, while he was playing at a weekly event. Over the course of the evening, I allowed his charm and his flirting to bring down my guard, and we ended up having a really great time. After a few weeks, that awful night was tucked away, in the very back of my mind. We didn't talk about it, he didn't bring it up and neither did I. We spent time together doing normal things couples do. We went to the movies, the museum, art galleries, bars, clubs, etc. We spent time hanging out at his place, listening to music and watching Seinfeld on DVD. Things were good. Very good.

By the time Valentine's Day came along, we had been dating, seriously, for at least three months. At that time, I was working at a popular steakhouse, so as anyone who has ever eaten Valentine's dinner at a steakhouse can imagine, I was in for a long night as a hostess. Due to that fact, Luke and I had planned to hang out during the day and have a "romantic" lunch, but I distinctly remember feeling like he wasn't putting much effort into the "romance" part. I don't exactly remember how we got into it, but we ended up having a bit of a spat towards the end of our meal. I think he might have shared some kind of catty comment his mom had made about me, which got my heckles up even more, after I mentioned that I wished we'd done something a little more special-- not only because it was Valentine's Day, but because he was leaving the country that night to go on a family vacation-- meaning we wouldn't be seeing each other for at least a week (it may have been closer to two).

He was driving me home so I could get ready for work when things started to really get heated. By the time we pulled into my driveway, we were arguing in earnest. I said something that pushed him to the edge and he reached across the car and slapped me. I was shocked-- again-- it seemed to come from nowhere. One minute we're arguing like a normal couple, the next minute, he's in a rage. I jumped out of the car as fast as I could and I slammed the car door, screaming at him to never call me or come near me again. I'm sure I launched a few obscenities at him as well, and as I marched up to the entry of my house and opened the storm door, all I remember is the sensation of being yanked backwards, my feet leaving the ground. I landed in the flower bed, my hand breaking my fall on the stone bricks that lined them. My hand was bleeding and I was sobbing. 

Again, the mood suddenly changed. He started babbling how he was just trying to stop me, he didn't want me to leave angry… he was only trying to make me stop and listen. Again, this was a huge red flag. Again, I should have run from him and never looked back. I got up, without his help, and told him to go fuck himself. I slammed the door in his face and went inside to get ready for work. I was already running late because of our fight, so I threw my uniform on and sped to work. I had to bandage my hand up and I was cradling an icepack in my hand on the way into work. When I got there, the bartender on shift at the time was also a mutual friend of ours. He was the guy who had actually helped me get the job at that restaurant. When I saw him, he could tell something was up with me. He asked me what happened to my hand and I just lost it. Tears welled up in my eyes and I told him I couldn't talk about it. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to tell him what had happened, but felt a sudden sense of overwhelming guilt-- what a ridiculous thought! Here I was, battered and bruised, having been thrown across my lawn by someone who was supposed to care about me, and I was the one feeling bad about possibly spilling the beans and letting his friend in on what a jerk he was! 

Insanity. I don't understand it. Looking back, I have no idea who that girl is… it's as if she is a stranger to the person I am now. I actually played it down and acted like I tripped and fell while storming off after an argument. I lied. To protect him. 

How sick is that???

That night, after hours of seating and cleaning up after countless couples out enjoying each other for Valentine's Day, I clocked out and walked out to my truck. I pulled my cell phone out of the glove compartment and saw that I had several missed calls from him and a voicemail. Note: remembering this in particular really makes me uncomfortable with how much I allowed myself to be manipulated by this creature. In his message, his voice took on this quality of someone speaking as though they're afraid what they're about to say will hurt someone. He said he was calling from the airport, while waiting at the gate. He went on to say he would miss me and would call me from his destination, that he hoped I was okay and that my night went well. Then, after a long pause, he said he hoped he would see me when he got home, and ended the message by saying "I love you."

Yep. My boyfriend, who had thrown me around my yard just a few hours earlier, was telling me he loved me for the first time, via voice mail. If that's not the behavior of someone who has no sense of how love should be communicated, then I don't know what is. Looking back, I can see it so clearly. So sharp and icy slick-- the slippery slope of delusion. How easy it was for me to believe that somehow, all the wrong actions could be made right with words. I still struggle with that. I find that I put a lot of unearned value in words, when actions worth far more. 

And with each incident, my inability to speak up-- to friends, family, anyone-- continued. As the number of times he would lash out at me increased, so would the shame I felt in remaining silent. Things would only get worse.

#nerdsunite

Want more from Layne? Click here to follow her on the twitter!

[Author's note: If you or someone you know is dealing with an abusive relationship, please reach out for help. It doesn't have to be a life or death situation, as any level of abuse, emotional or physical, is too much. No one deserves it, and no one should stand for it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a confidential, non-profit organization that can help anyone willing to ask for it. Get help.http://www.thehotline.org/] 

#NerdsUnite: What Dating Stage Are You At?

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Barry. He's my dating/ life coach, and he's a pretty rad mofo! Definitely has helped me break through a lot of things on an emotional and psychological level .... me gusta mucho. He's here to now share those nerdy nuggets of wisdom with you all. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BARRY!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @DatingCoachB

I love dating-coaching and helping clients. One of the reasons I do this fairly well is that I've lived all three stages of the dating cycle.

All through high school and the first few years of college I was frustrated and lonely, which added up to horny, leading me to my second stage.

For most of my twenties I was obsessed with meeting, dating and bedding women. I still did it with respect and a minimum of manipulation, mind you (is it manipulative to whisper a sexy Spanish love poem in a woman's ear?) but the fact is I was a player. Casual sex was the thing. Until I ended up trying to date 8 women with only 7 nights in the week and I realized I'd gone WAY TOO FAR. Which brings us to stage three.

After I turned thirty I settled down. It became less about chasing casual sex, and more about a real, quality relationship with like, you know, emotions and stuff. You could say I was finally maturing!

So when I work with a male client, I really empathize with whichever stage they are at, from frustrated through sowing his wild oats, to settling down with a girl he deserves.

It seems like a big problem in the dating world for women and men is trying to date someone who is at a different stage than you are.

My female clients also hit a stage where quality of relationship becomes more important than attraction and chemistry. They give up the fascinating bad boys, and the radical Che Guevara t-shirt wearers and look for a grown-man with whom they can create a meaningful, committed relationship. It still has to have passion, of course, but the chemsitry becomes less about teenage self expression (when you sleep with guys out of defiance, danger, or fascination) and more about emotional-based chemistry.

We all need to honor our three stages, and accept others for where they are at. It all starts with knowing which stage your at, and understanding why. Then deciding whether to date someone else at the same stage, or move on to the next stage if this one is no longer serving you.

So, what stage are you at, and why is it where you need to be?

The answers you discover could be very revealing.

Happy Dating!

#nerdsunite

Twitter: @DatingCoachB
Website: www.GetTheGirlYouDeserve.com
(Ladies' Website, www.GetTheGuyYouDeserve.com Coming Soon!)

Words of Wisdom with @Jesus_M_Christ

click here to follow Jesus and his absence of communicable diseases on twitter! 

#NerdsUnite: Around the world with @HeatherReusz

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Heather. She's a nerd who is currently living in Japan by way of Chicago. Yep, talk about a culture shock. She's here today to talk about her life, love (which she is currently balancing long distance) and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT HEATHER!!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @HeatherReusz

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Being away from America and my boyfriend, I must admit that I totally forgot today was Valentine’s Day. I’m also 15 hours ahead of American time, central time zone at least, so I’m often on a different day than you all are. That means I didn’t get the onslaught of Facebook and Twitter well wishes until about midnight on Valentine’s night for me. I was dutifully reminded though by one of my students this morning that it was Valentine’s Day. I teach every age range from 6 months old to high school. This little boy is 5 years old. He strutted into the school this morning with his mom and as soon as he opened the door, he just shouted “Happy Valentine’s Day!” to me. Beaming with pride, he ran to class and I’m pretty sure he told me “Happy Valentine’s Day” about seven times in the 45 minutes that I had class with him. It was absolutely precious and made my day. There is nothing quite like the love a child to really make you feel what real love is.

To clarify, Valentine’s Day is celebrated here in Japan. The department stores and grocery stores were selling all kinds of wonderful looking gourmet chocolates in all sorts of flavors including some really unique Japanese ones like green tea and red bean paste which are both delicious. However, most people in Japan hand make their chocolate. By hand make I mean they pretty much just melt some chocolate, put it in molds, and decorate it but that’s still more impressive that what most people I know do in America. Most stores were only selling these molds, chocolates, and assorted gift bags. No cards are sold since it is expected that you deliver the gifts straight to your Valentine. In Japan, the roles are a bit reversed on Valentine’s Day as well. The guys are the ones who receive all the presents for Valentine’s here. Ladies spend hours making these chocolates and cakes to give to their boyfriends or crushes. The funny thing is that I would have never guessed that if no one told me. Everything is so pink and frilly things we normally would not expect guys to like. But they are flattered to receive something like this. In fact, the frillier and cuter it is the bigger the honor of receiving it since it shows that the girl clearly put a ton of effort into making the sweets. The ladies get their own special day as well though. A month after Valentine’s Day, March 14^th, Japanese folks celebrate White Day. On White Day, guys shower their ladies with expensive gifts or buy a small gift for their crush to show them their appreciation for the chocolate and sweets given to them on Valentine’s Day. I think it’s kind of a cute system and tradition.

I pretty much didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day this year. I did get a couple of homemade chocolates from my older junior high and high school students which were delicious! I also was greeted by a package from my boyfriend this morning which was a special little touch to the day. He sent me some epically nerdy and sweet gifts. Nerd love is the best kind of love after all. It was hard to be away from him today. I hate to sound like I am whining but its days like this where maintaining a long distance relationship just sucks. This is the first time in three years that I have not had him by my side. While I know it’s just a commercialized holiday, Valentine’s Day is still a blast to celebrate. You get to pause and reflect on your relationship. We enjoy each other’s company and revel in what brought us together and what makes us grow in love. I know that sounds corny and I’m not normally a really romantic person but Valentine’s Day tends to bring that out in me. We did get a chance to Skype today to open gifts which was great but it’s totally not the same. It almost makes me want to see him that much more.  I wish that I could even just be over at his place cuddling on the coach and exchanging gifts but that won’t happen for another 86 days. Sometimes I wonder why I even did this to myself…On a more positive note; he also used this day as an opportunity to let me know that he has officially booked a flight in May to come see me! Best. Present. Ever! Yay!

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Heather on Twitter!

#Question: Are you in love? (a love and happiness guru wants to know!)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Dr. Jennifer Jones. She's a clinical psychologist and a love and happiness guru. No, really! How amazing is that!! This is her take on life, love, and all things nerd. HIT IT DR. JENNIFER!!! </editorsnote> 

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @DrJenniferJones

Let me share a secret: on the couch, most people admit that they are not sure if they are in love. Even those who are sure they love their partner are afraid they are not "in love" with them. This uncertainty brings anxiety, guilt, or worse, rash decision making. This is somewhat the fault of Hollywood brainwashing, but people still wonder what happened to the butterflies, the crazy sex drive and the obsessing over? Then they ask, with deep fear: have I fallen out of love? 

The answer is yes and no. 

You see, love is not really one emotion--technically it is three. Evidence from neuroscience outlines that there are three systems of love: Lust, Romance, and Attachment (typically in that order). Each system is associated with very different brain chemicals and parts of the brain. 

Lust is exactly as you think it is and requires little explanation. Have you forgotten? Go to a nightclub. It's alive, powerful and horny!

Romantic love is what most of us think of when we think of love. Think "The Titanic," the number two highest grossing film of all time or Sparks' novel, "The Notebook." It's that constant obsession over your loved one, believing that they are superior to all others, and feels like you are walking on clouds (it's lovely).  

Last, is the brain system of attachment, which is nearly identical to the feelings that babies and connected mothers experience toward one another. It is the notion that you will be with this person forever. Not necessarily because they can do no wrong, but because they are a part of you and because you feel a deep sense of safety with them.

The majority of self-help books and magazine articles recommend focusing on romance--but that advice is only 33% accurate. The secret is integrating all three systems of love so that your brain is receiving not only dopamine, but also testosterone and oxytocin. Specifically, by focusing on sex drive and attachment along with romantic love, you'll feel as if you were falling in love again!

Throughout the course of a loving relationship, most people fall in and out of these love systems the same way that the ocean ebbs and flows its tide. It's psychologically healthy and absolutely normal for couples who are "in love" to move in and out of these three systems. 

Instead of thinking of love as one feeling, it would be more accurate to view love as three "feelings." Lust, Romantic Love, and Attachment are all essential to the experience of love. However, rarely does any relationship lasting over a few years score high on all three at the same time. Not to say that you won't feel lust again or that you will feel even more attached over the course of the relationship.

Moral of the story: don't be fooled to think that you have to feel like a lovesick teenager to be in love. Consider yourself in love when you experience any combination of the three love systems. If you feel attachment and romance or attachment and lust, know you are especially fortunate. If you feel all three at the same time--well, you are walking on sunshine! 

So, let's ask that question again: are you in love? If you feel a combination of lust, connection or romance, your answer is yes. Nice work. Enjoy each and every feeling. 

#thatisall

Dr. Jennifer Jones is a Clinical Psychologist, author, and speaker specializing in happiness, love, and parenting. She has been in love with her husband for 18 years and has two amazing children. Be sure to follow her to get the latest insight into love, happiness and parenting: @DrJenniferJones. Get more insight into the science of love at www.DrJennifer.com.